My motherhood journey - not what I expected!

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are healthy and safe. I know the warm weather can be deceiving because the pandemic is till not over. Remember to do your part: wash your hands, don't touch your face and stop the spread of Covid-19. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine texted me that my kind words helped her to face infertility - because I knew her pain. I was touched that what I thought were just plain words made her feel better - somewhat. And it got me thinking about my dark moments with our infertility. When we were going through the darkest and most painful moments of our infertility, I was alone through it all. My husband was unable to deal with it so he was not there for me. Yes, he would listen to me and hold me, but we just never really spoke about it together - still to this day, we have not. Yes, it was very hard to be alone. When I was miscarrying our child, I was alone. He was so busy with work and just did not want or even wanted to attemp...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are safe and healthy. Yes, the weather is finally warmer. However, we still need to be vigilant because Covid-19 is still out there. The pandemic is not over and you still need to be safe. This morning, I had breakfast and coffee on my own - with no interruptions! It was such a treat and I loved every moment of it. Don't get me wrong, I love having dinner with my family. However, as the Mom of three small children, there is something so delightful about having breakfast and warm coffee (my previous post) all by yourself.  I usually would have taken the time to pray and journal as well, but this morning, I chose to write down my task list for the day and leave prayer for when I had more time - which was right before I started this post. I always told Moms, before I had children, that they needed to take time for themselves - no matter how short or long. Then, I had children and I realized how hard it was to take that tim...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are safe and healthy. I know many states have reopened, but you still need to be careful. Easing restrictions does not mean that the pandemic is over, it only means that there is place for you in the ICU. Since this quarantine has started, there have been many things that I have missed. Here are my top five: 1) Being able to run errands 2) Having lunch with friends 3) Going out on a date with my husband 4) Attending Mass 5) DRINKING WARM COFFEE Why did I write that last one in all caps??? As a Mom - I know many of you Moms will totally get this one - you are never able to eat or drink anything warm and that includes your morning coffee. Before we adopted our newborn, I was able to wake up very early (5 to 5:30am) and enjoy my coffee with my breakfast and do some chores around the house before the kids woke up. Now, because we have irregular nights due to his nightly feeds, getting and early start on my day has gone dow...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are keeping healthy and safe. I know, I know...I am sounding like a broken record. But remember, just because restrictions are easing up, it does not mean that the pandemic is over, it only means that there is space for you in the ICU. It happened while I was doing a night feed with our newborn. I was looking down at him while he was chugging his milk and I thought: "Yeah, I am okay with three kids." I finished his feed and went to bed. The next morning, that same thought popped again in my mind and it has been there, ever since. With each adoption, I was eager about the next. With this third one, I was already thinking about the fourth one. Then, the reality of having a newborn kicked in. And, obviously, with each adoption, I am not getting younger, but older and my patience, although very big...it is starting to get thinner with age... I am feeling guilty that I am not wanting to adopt a fourth one. That is a ...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are healthy and safe. Remember that just because restrictions have eased up, it does not mean the pandemic is over. It actually means that there is place for you in the ICU. I love my children. I love, love, love my children. I would die for them and would do anything to protect them. However, there are days when I love them but don't like them. Those days when it feels like they just want to stick to you and you just cannot have one minute to yourself. And when they are little, like ours are, it can get very challenging and overwhelming. It was easier, before the pandemic, because I had days when I would be out of the house for the entire day - running errands and doing work. But now, I am always home and I cannot escape them. We do have a nanny and that helps, but with a newborn, it's still pretty challenging. Being home, as well, it is hard when I hear one of them cry when I heard that they had a bad fall - my mo...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are safe and healthy. Remember that just because restrictions are started to ease up, it does not mean that this pandemic is over. It really means that there is space for you in the ICU. Let's be honest - this whole pandemic thing is wearing us all down. I have not left my community since early March. I have not seen anyone but my kids, spouse and our nanny...and the occasional neighbor when we go out on a walk. I have seen any of my friends, our families could not visit us and I have gone to any store since this whole thing started. Want to read something actually quite sad? I have a dentist appointment - I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!! Sad, isn't? During the first weeks of quarantine, some took this time to sleep in, read, binge watch shows and movies and basically, tackle those house projects that they had put on the back burner. Then, the quarantine just kept going and going and then, it started... Sleep was no lon...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are safe and healthy. We are not yet out of the woods, so remember to wash your hands, not touch your face and stop the spread of Covid-19. Mother's Day is no longer painful for me because of our kids. But when we did not have the kids, I dreaded Mother's Day. Actually, I dreaded going to Mass because the priest would always have a blessing for Moms - but never asked those who had lost children through miscarriage to stand up. Each year, I would sit next to him and tears would stream down my cheeks. My husband would hold my hand and tell me that he loved me. Inside, I was dying. I felt as though I was unworthy, to God's eyes, to be a Mom. It was such torture and it was never easy. Then, one day, while I was attending at Mass during a work conference, the priest asked all women who had lost a child through miscarriage to come up and receive a blessing. I was shocked but went up. As I, along with other brave Mom...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are healthy and keeping safe. Remember to wash your hands and not touch your face when you leave the house. Just because restrictions are easing up, it does not mean the pandemic is over! It only means that there is place for you in the ICU. Throughout this whole quarantine, the same question is on everyone's lips: "When will things be back to normal again?" The answer is twofold: 1) we don't know when and 2) our old "normal" may not come back for a while. It seems daunting to look at those pictures of people in restaurants sitting far apart from one another. Our gym has a tentative plan on how to maintain social distancing between clients. Everywhere you go, people are wearing masks and gloves. It's like Stephen King is directing our new way of living - I think this sort of scenario is something he would write. What will our new "normal" look like? Will this social distancing and...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are healthy and keeping safe. Remember that just because restrictions have been eased up, it does not mean this pandemic is over - it only means there is room for you in the ICU. During a nightly feed of our newborn, this thought suddenly popped into my head: "I think I am okay with three kids - not sure I want to adopt again." And as this thought was passing along, I actually felt at peace with it. The next day, I mentioned it to my husband. He believes I am thinking this way because the newborn stage is the most exhausting of all stages. You are always on high alert and your nights are never the same - for example, last night, it took him a full hour to get through three ounces of milk...and then, he woke up two hours later to feed again. I took his comment into consideration, yet, since that thought, it has not left my head that I would be okay not going through another adoption process. Why? What is going th...

Hello everyone, I hope you are all safe and healthy. If you or someone you know as been infected, I pray that you or they are feeling better and are on the path to healing. For all those of you how have lost someone to Covid-19, I keep you in prayer - I can only imagine your pain and suffering. We adopted our third child at the beginning of all this Covid pandemic. We felt pretty blessed because we wondered how we would feel if we were still on the waiting list. Would we have said yes or would we have postponed adopting because of the fear of getting infected and then passing it on to our kids. I will be honest and say that we would probably have postponed it. My husband being a healthcare worker, he views this situation very differently. He looks at the numbers each day and keeps track of that curve - which in our state has flattened but there have been no sign of decrease in new cases.  He suspects that a new lockdown will be put in place - who knows? Yet, in spite of thi...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are healthy and safe. Remember that although the weather is nice and that restrictions are starting to ease up, you still need to do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19. I got a text recently from a friend who also has infertility. She was texting me about a friend of hers who was pregnant. My friend was happy to see her friend pregnant, but was sad that it was so easy for her while, she, my friend, struggled - they ended up undergoing embryo adoption. It reminded my friend of a comment I made to her a few years back. You see, when you are infertile, it never leaves you. It's always there and it does not go away because you have children, via adoption. But people forget that and they assume that you are all fine and dandy once you start to have children. Sorry to burst that bubble of yours - our infertility never leaves. I am still infertile. I cannot conceive naturally and I have to wait to be chosen by a courag...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are safe and healthy. I know that in some places, the weather has been getting warmer - yet, this does not erase that this virus is still around. Remember to be mindful of what you are touching, wash your hands and don't touch your face. Don't let the sun distract you from the harsh reality that this pandemic is still very much around. I know that some of you have had more time on your hands than you ever thought you would have. We have been able to keep busy because we still have work and we also have three small children. Yet, in my quiet time - as rare as it happens - it has given me the time to actually think about what I want to keep achieving. This blog, although no one is following me, has kept me in touch with my writing mind. Each post forces me to keep writing and, hopefully, get better at it. It has inspired me to think about those thoughts that we push away because we don't want to bother with them n...

Hello everyone, I hope that when you read this post, you are all healthy and safe. Remember to wash you hands, not touch your face and stay home to prevent the spread of Covid-19. Today, I wanted to be real. I feel that with these types of platforms, it can get very easy to paint everything so rosy and perfect. But, let's be honest - everyone has bad days. It cannot always be great and happy and dandy. That is not realistic and it creates such a false idea - especially when it comes to motherhood. I love my children, I need to start with that. Yet, there are days when I don't like them very much. I have heard this from countless mothers and that is reality. We have three small children - two, one and two months. We are not only busy, but days just roll by so quickly that we have barely any time to even breathe, at times. Weekends are just days that go by as fast and as busy. Yes, it will get easier as they grow older and become more independent, but for now - we are in ...