Infertility - Why You Should Go Through It Alone
Hello everyone,
I hope that when you read this post, you are healthy and safe. I know the warm weather can be deceiving because the pandemic is till not over. Remember to do your part: wash your hands, don't touch your face and stop the spread of Covid-19.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine texted me that my kind words helped her to face infertility - because I knew her pain. I was touched that what I thought were just plain words made her feel better - somewhat. And it got me thinking about my dark moments with our infertility.
When we were going through the darkest and most painful moments of our infertility, I was alone through it all. My husband was unable to deal with it so he was not there for me. Yes, he would listen to me and hold me, but we just never really spoke about it together - still to this day, we have not.
Yes, it was very hard to be alone. When I was miscarrying our child, I was alone. He was so busy with work and just did not want or even wanted to attempt to be there for me. I scheduled my appointment and went by myself. I was scared and was left to my own devices. It was horrible and only months later did all my rage, anger and disappointment come out - and let me tell you, it was not pretty. I had to confront him and tell him that he had abandoned me in our pain. He was my husband and he let me down - that hurt so much. Still does.
I did have a friend who also had infertility, but she was not even dealing with it, so I could not count on her. I had to depend on myself and God. It was a very dark time in my life and for that, I try to be there for those who are alone in their infertility. I didn't like going through it alone and if I can prevent it from happening to someone else, I will do my best.
We all need someone that understands us - even better when they know what it feels like to be in your own shoes. C.S Lewis says it best: "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another:"What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"" Only someone who has gone through your pain can fully understand it.
A very common mistake made by most, including myself, is when we say: I understand your pain. The mistake in that statement is that unless you have ACTUALLY experienced that pain or situation, you just cannot tell someone you understand. People would try to tell me that they understood my pain - but that only anger me because they really did not. All of them had living children and had not lost their one and only biological, like we had.
Next time someone tells you of their pain, don't tell them you understand UNLESS you have experienced. Instead, they probably just want you to listen and say: I don't understand your pain, but know that I am here for you, even if it's just to listen. You will be amazed at how wonderful it will be for them to hear you say that.
Infertility is such a quiet, secret and broken pain. Those going through it don't need pity, they need compassion, understanding and a good ear... and a great pair of arms to hold them (but just not now with all the social distancing that we need to do).
I know going through infertility can be done on your own - because I did. It was not ideal and it was very difficult. However, it did show me how much stronger I was. I always felt so weak and unable to cope during that time - but I got through it. HOWEVER, I do not recommend that you do. Find that support you need - there are so many online resources now. I wish I had been more willing to find online support - but I have always been more of a people person than one to frolic on social media...
If you or someone you know is going through infertility, know that you are in my prayers. I may not know you, but I am smart enough to know that many out there are undergoing this heavy cross. Please find support wherever you can. Share your story, if you wish to, and let's build our community.
As my last word - yes, you know what it already is - remember to stop the spread of Covid-19. Don't be deceived by the warm weather. Just because restrictions have been eased, it only means that there is place for you in the ICU. Wash your hands, don't touch your face and wear a mask if you need to leave the house.
SM
I hope that when you read this post, you are healthy and safe. I know the warm weather can be deceiving because the pandemic is till not over. Remember to do your part: wash your hands, don't touch your face and stop the spread of Covid-19.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine texted me that my kind words helped her to face infertility - because I knew her pain. I was touched that what I thought were just plain words made her feel better - somewhat. And it got me thinking about my dark moments with our infertility.
When we were going through the darkest and most painful moments of our infertility, I was alone through it all. My husband was unable to deal with it so he was not there for me. Yes, he would listen to me and hold me, but we just never really spoke about it together - still to this day, we have not.
Yes, it was very hard to be alone. When I was miscarrying our child, I was alone. He was so busy with work and just did not want or even wanted to attempt to be there for me. I scheduled my appointment and went by myself. I was scared and was left to my own devices. It was horrible and only months later did all my rage, anger and disappointment come out - and let me tell you, it was not pretty. I had to confront him and tell him that he had abandoned me in our pain. He was my husband and he let me down - that hurt so much. Still does.
I did have a friend who also had infertility, but she was not even dealing with it, so I could not count on her. I had to depend on myself and God. It was a very dark time in my life and for that, I try to be there for those who are alone in their infertility. I didn't like going through it alone and if I can prevent it from happening to someone else, I will do my best.
We all need someone that understands us - even better when they know what it feels like to be in your own shoes. C.S Lewis says it best: "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another:"What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"" Only someone who has gone through your pain can fully understand it.
A very common mistake made by most, including myself, is when we say: I understand your pain. The mistake in that statement is that unless you have ACTUALLY experienced that pain or situation, you just cannot tell someone you understand. People would try to tell me that they understood my pain - but that only anger me because they really did not. All of them had living children and had not lost their one and only biological, like we had.
Next time someone tells you of their pain, don't tell them you understand UNLESS you have experienced. Instead, they probably just want you to listen and say: I don't understand your pain, but know that I am here for you, even if it's just to listen. You will be amazed at how wonderful it will be for them to hear you say that.
Infertility is such a quiet, secret and broken pain. Those going through it don't need pity, they need compassion, understanding and a good ear... and a great pair of arms to hold them (but just not now with all the social distancing that we need to do).
I know going through infertility can be done on your own - because I did. It was not ideal and it was very difficult. However, it did show me how much stronger I was. I always felt so weak and unable to cope during that time - but I got through it. HOWEVER, I do not recommend that you do. Find that support you need - there are so many online resources now. I wish I had been more willing to find online support - but I have always been more of a people person than one to frolic on social media...
If you or someone you know is going through infertility, know that you are in my prayers. I may not know you, but I am smart enough to know that many out there are undergoing this heavy cross. Please find support wherever you can. Share your story, if you wish to, and let's build our community.
As my last word - yes, you know what it already is - remember to stop the spread of Covid-19. Don't be deceived by the warm weather. Just because restrictions have been eased, it only means that there is place for you in the ICU. Wash your hands, don't touch your face and wear a mask if you need to leave the house.
SM
Comments