Five Hard Moments During the Adoption Process

Hello everyone,

I hope that when you read this post, you are all safe and keeping healthy! Remember to do your part and stop the spread of Covid-19. 

Adoption has its ups and downs. Although the ups do make up for the downs - most of the time -, the downs need to be addressed.

There are five hard moments during the adoption process, as evidenced by my title. They are:

1) Coming to terms with your infertility

This is the biggest hurdle to get over. It's one that requires you not to give up on becoming a parent but accepting that a biological child is no longer a viable option for your family. I always knew I wanted to adopt, but coming to terms with the fact that I could never conceive was a tough pill to swallow.

Acceptance must come from both or else, the adoption process will be more tedious and painful. It is important to grieve the infertility and treat the adoption has a miracle cure to your infertility. Although, yes - there are women who become pregnant while adopting - but don't be fooled into adopting in the hope  you become one of those women.

Grieve and move on. Take your time with this step - get as much support and help as you need.

2) Discussion about adoption with your spouse\partner

From what I have seen and heard, the issue about adopting can come from both the woman or the man. It's always the same issue - our baby will not look like us. True - our children don't look like us at all - even our Caucasian child - yet, it does not matter at all because, at the end of the day, they are our children!

This is and will be a very challenging discussion. It may bring up unresolved issues from the previous step mentioned and that is okay. This is the time to let all the worry, anger, frustration, concern, sadness and exhaustion of the whole thing come out. Again, this should not be rushed. It may take a week, two weeks or months, even years - the important is to have the discussion and resolve things!

3) Home study

The dreaded home study is, actually, nothing to be feared. If you want to know more about the process, here is the link to a previous blog:https://rapososm.blogspot.com/2020/10/our-home-study-whole-process.html.

I will admit that the first one was a bit daunting, simply because we were not sure what to expect. I did google a lot on it and watched as many YouTube videos as I could. Eventually, I stopped because they all had the same message: be yourself and relax. That is my advice to you. It won't be fun and it may be painful, at times, but once it is done, it is on to the next step - waiting to be matched!

4) Waiting to be matched

I know a few couples who are currently playing the "waiting game". It's not a fun place to be and it's definitely not a fun game to play. You find yourself looking at your phone constantly. You jump each time you hear that ring and you get disappointed when it's not that call. It's also a time where you see everybody else getting matched while you are still waiting. For many, it brings up bad memories of seeing everyone else getting pregnant, except you.

The only way to get through this one - and it may not be what you want to hear - is to wait. There is no way to rush this one because it's completely out of your control. How you choose to wait is up to you, but the best is to continue with your daily life. Another important thing to remember is to stop looking at social media. There is no need for you to know who got matched - that will only discourage you and feed into those negative thoughts you have started to cultivate in your mind.

If you want to read more about the "waiting game", please check out my previous post on this subject:https://rapososm.blogspot.com/2020/12/waiting-to-be-matched-with-birthmom-how.html

5) Family acceptance

Oh - this is a tough one! Our first adoption class was given by this wonderful lady. She was engaging and was able to provide us all with the encouragement we needed. She graciously shared her story about adoption and issues with her family. She had to cut ties with her grandmother because she was not accepting of her African-American daughter. That story gutted me. I could not imagine that happening with our family. Yet, it did.

Fortunately, we did not have to cut ties, but we had to have serious discussions  - probably will have to as the kids grow up - and we just needed to ensure that our kids felt safe within their family. For some, they already know that adoption a child of another race is not an option. That is not a bad decision to make - in fact, it proves that you are taking this seriously. 

For us, it was never about the race but about becoming parents. We also had made sure that we knew how to approach any negative and racist comments. We made a promise that we would always advocate for our children and their birth parents. Education is key in helping disarm the negativity. Don't get angry, but educate. If need be, be prepared to cut ties to provide your children with safety within their family. It will be sad, but you need to do it for your family.

One last thing, you need to make sure you are both on the same page. Do not make the mistake of thinking that things will get resolved once they see the baby - NOT A GOOD IDEA!! Be prepared and get the tools you need to have those conversations - if need be.

Adoption is a journey. It's not an easy pathway to becoming a parent - like most think. I hope this post helps you in some way. Please share with people you know who are thinking or are currently undergoing an adoption process.

Until my next post, please keep safe and healthy. To all healthcare workers - we pray for you and thank you for your courage. Please do your part in stopping the spread of Covid-19: wear your face mask, wash your hands and don't touch your face and social distance!

SM