Why I Think People Don't Want to Adopt - just MY opinion!

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you all safe, healthy and sane - yes, this pandemic and everything else going on...it is over?? Hang in there because this too shall pass!

My husband and I were recently talking about how some people are not willing to adopt - if they have infertility. We debated on why we thought they would not be open to it. Although we had some common thoughts, we also have some that differed. So, I wanted to write about five reasons why I think people are not willing to adopt.

Before I begin, I just want to say, as a disclaimer, that these are the reasons I think people would not adopt, based on my own experience. There are many other reasons and I am purely sharing my thoughts.

1) The Financial Cost

The average adoption can range between $35,000 to $50,000. That is a lot of money. It has to be carefully budgeted for. In our case, we had to plan ahead because once the consent was signed by the birthmom, the invoice was in our inbox. 

For some, this can take up to two years before they have the funds. It is a lot of sacrifice, planning and budgeting. Obviously, the costs can be more elevated should one go with an international adoption. Travel and lodging fees are not paid for by the adoption agency. Therefore, for many, adopting is just not a possible option because of their current finances.

2) The Birthmom Changing her Mind

I can completely understand this one. We had a failed adoption and it was devastating. You have already gone through so much with infertility and now, you have this wonderful opportunity and it can get taken away from you - and you can't do anything about it. 

Unfortunately, that is the risk you take when you adopt. It can happen and you need to be ready for it. We never thought it would happen to us, but it did. It happens to many. But is it enough to let that prevent you from becoming a parent? I don't think so. 

In life, we need to have trust that no matter what happens, there is still something good that can come of it.  When we lose hope, we might as well never take on anything new.

3) The Paperwork and Home Study 

Okay - yes, there is A LOT of paperwork that goes into an adoption. There are all these steps that need to be taken. This can be a huge source of frustration and reason for not going ahead. But this paperwork is there to ensure that all things are done properly and legally. 

As for the home study, it is not as bad as people make it out to be. Is it intrusive? Yes, but it is also a great way to see if you and your spouse are willing to go ahead and be all in. This is not like you are adopting a puppy - by the way, don't ever compare you adopting a puppy to someone adopting a baby - dogs are NOT human!! Adopting is a serious matter and these procedures are to make sure that these children are placed into the right families. I am sure you have heard of horror stories of foster and adopted kids - that is why this paperwork and home study are important and necessary.

4) My Children Will Not Look Like Me

Okay, this is probably the MOST common reason why people are not willing to adopt. Yes, my kids do not look like me - even my son who is Caucasian like me. They don't look like us because they look like their birthparents. Does it bother me? Absolutely not! When you adopt, you can try to get that child that will blend in more with your family - but the reality is that they will not look like you. If you cannot get over that, then maybe adoption is not for you.

But, let's consider this: my sister and her husband have two children. Neither of them look like my sister because they both look like my brother-in-law. Does this mean that my sister loves her children less? Of course not! She loves them because they are her children...just like I love mine because they are my children! If this is preventing you from adopting - don't let it. The moment you hold that baby in your arms - you fall in love!

5) Attachment

This is a big one. Personally, it never crossed my mind. It was, however, extremely important to people around me. The moment I spoke about us adopting, this question always came up: Aren't you afraid of attachment? ... Honestly, NO. Just like they were a stranger to me, I was also a stranger to them. We are getting to know each other every day and our love is growing more and more. 

Can attachment be an issue? yes, it can. It is real, it is hard and if you don't have the proper tools or support, it can and will be hard. In most cases, it takes place when you are adopting an older child who has had some sort of childhood trauma. It's not to say that it won't get better, but it can most definitely be difficult. Should this deter you from adopting? Absolutely not! Just like anything else, you can get through it with the proper resources and tools.

Are there more reasons? Yes. But to me, these are the top five on my list. Regardless of the reason, adoption is a big step. It is not something one does on whim. It takes much planning, discerning and prayer. It can be very daunting, especially if you are the only ones in your family to adopt. There will be some good times, but there will also be some bad times. But in the end, it all hinges on what you want: do you want a baby or do you want to be a parent? 

For us, adoption was our only way of having a family. We did not enjoy all of the paperwork, questions, intrusiveness and uncertainty. But in the end, we ended-up with three very beautiful babies. Our house is full of laughter, screaming, memories and constant reminders of living in the moment.

Are you currently thinking about adoption? What is your main concern? Do you have any support? What is scaring you the most? What are you most excited about? Please share and let's build our community.

Until my next post, please keep safe and healthy!

SM