Infertility and Adoption - Why Am I Still Feeling Left Out?

Hello everyone,

 

I hope this post finds you feeling healthy and blessed.

 

It is a misconception to believe that infertile women who adopt stop feeling sad about being infertile. Many have been surprised at the fact that, although I am the mother of three children, I still experience sadness in not having been pregnant. This is today’s topic!

 

In a coffee shop, I was meeting up with a friend. She had recently been married and already was facing infertility issues. It surprised her when I told her I still felt sad when others would announce their pregnancies. She thought I had “gotten over it”. It then got me thinking…why and how could one assume such a thing? At the time, I don’t think I knew what to answer. It took reading a few online articles to be able to sort out what I was feeling.

 

The one that caught my attention and could relate to was the article “Buying the Lie” written by Amanda Ackerman. You can find this article on the website of Adoptive Families at the following link: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/parenting/buying-the-lie-painful-feelings-about-infertility-linger-after-adopting/

 

The title was a bit shocking to me, at first. What “lie” was she talking about? But once I read it in its entirety, the title made perfect sense. In the end, we, I included, have “bought the lie” that the pain and longing of pregnancy would be gone once we adopted our children. I bought into the “lie” that I was no longer infertile because now, I had children – I had a family.

 

But the contrary happened. Just because we became mothers, it did not erase our longing for that one experience we are supposed to have because God designed us this way, and yet, our bodies have failed us… Adoption did not cure my infertility or “solve it” as she mentioned in her article.

 

We were infertile for seven years before we welcomed our daughter. I will always remember that car ride from the hospital. She was so tiny in her car seat. I loved her and was terrified at the same time. Since then, we have been blessed with two more children, our two sons. We are truly blessed and grateful to have adopted three children in twenty-six months.

 

Obviously, as we adopted, our siblings and other friends have grown their family as well – via pregnancies. And it did take me back when I started to feel that same sadness as when we did not have the kids. Why was this happening? I was happy for them and never would have wanted them to experience infertility. Yet, my heart ached. And yes, I will admit that I was jealous and envious. They were able to experience and share things that I never would be.

 

But, once the shock was over, usually within a couple of days – versus weeks when we did not have the children – I would go about my own life. Still, when an ultrasound picture or gender reveal would be posted, those feelings would come back. It feels awful to admit they do but that is my reality.

 

It took time to come to accept that I will never experience being pregnant. I will never proudly show an ultrasound picture of my baby. I will never hear the heartbeat. I will never have a pregnancy announcement. I did not have a baby shower, nor will I ever…

 

As blessed as I am that three brave and loving strangers chose me to love and nurture the children they carried, I did not experience any of the special moments. I never carried any of them. I did not feel them kick inside me. I was present at their birth. I have no ultrasound pictures on my fridge. I knew of them within weeks to days of when they were born. I was waiting by a phone – waiting to be told that I had been matched with a birthmom. I then had to wait, by the phone again, to hear from the lawyers if she had signed the adoption consent.

 

Yet, I had to follow God’s way and His way for me was motherhood via adoption. That is what He knew would be best for my marriage and me. Did I fully grasp and accept His way? NO! But, once I accepted that this was my plan from Him, I had but one choice: embrace it.

 

“Adoption does not solve infertility.” Amanda Ackerman came to this conclusion after having felt a roller coaster of emotions as she saw family and friends become pregnant – even after she had adopted. This conclusion of hers gets reinforced, in me, each time someone in the family or one of my friends gets pregnant. The pain resurfaces and I feel jealous and envious… and it’s normal. Yes, I allow myself to feel them. I don’t repress them because it has become pointless. I pray and read Scripture and remember that God’s plan and timing is always perfect – even if I don’t see it that way.

 

In the end, we all suffer and my suffering is carrying the heavy cross of infertility. I carry it with strength, but on the harder days, my husband helps. I am thankful for having been chosen and I love my children more than anything in this world. I share my story and have heard many wonderful, at times heartbreaking, stories from others that have lost children and now have adopted or waiting to. From suffering comes beauty – one may not see it at first, but when we open our eyes, that beauty radiates and we feel free from all the darkness that enveloped us.

 

How did you become a mother? Were you able to conceive, adopt or a combination? Are you still figuring your fertility? Share your story and let’s build our community. Know you remain in my daily prayers. Keep strong and know that suffering is never for nothing – the light will come!

 

Until my next post, be still in waiting.

 

SM