Birthparents who don't look at the updates - How to deal with it

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you healthy and blessed. I have been busy with school and was not able to post yesterday.

We have three children via adoption. We chose to have confidential adoptions, meaning that physical contact is not possible. We are, however, obligated to provide pictures and updates according to a set schedule. These updates, provided via a web portal, allow the birthparent to look at pictures and read letters, when they are able and ready to. The birthparents can also message through the said web portal.

Without going into details, there are some updates that are not looked at. It, initially, got me worried and my first thought was: "I must have posted a picture or said something in the letter that made them mad." It was after speaking with our social worker that it became clear, that this was not a "ME" issue, but a birthmom wanting to take their time in dealing with the adoption.

The other concern that is more valid, is how to deal with it when your child is old enough to participate in the updates. How will my child perceive the silence from the other side? How can I find the words to explain it in a way that does not make the birthparent out like the bad one or uncaring one?

What is the answer? Well, sometimes, the best answer is to be honest and say: I don't know but it does not mean, in any way, that you are not loved by them. And that may be enough. It will also be important to engage them in letting us how they feel and making sure we do not dismiss what they are feeling. Your support is crucial at this time. They need to feel that they are not the problem as well.

Not having been adopted, I cannot pretend that I know how they will feel. Yet, I am taking the necessary steps to educate myself on the topic. A great resource is Adoptive Families. It is an online magazine, which requires that you subscribe, which provides a number of resources about adoption and foster care. Here is their link: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/

Another thing I like to do when I have concerns or questions is to go to the source...our social worker. I know that no matter what, she has far more experience than I have and can provide sound and logical advice, information and resources. She has always helped us and we know she will come in handy as the children grow older.

Books and blogs are also a good way of learning how to tackle the many facets of adoption. There are some Christian ones and non-Christian ones and there are more and more books that are available for children.

The important thing to remember is that you are not doing anything wrong if they prefer not to look at the updates. You have no idea what they may be going through and making false assumptions will lead you to start imagining scenarios that are not true. The birthparents loved and still love these children, but for some reason, they prefer not to look at he updates and will do so, when they are ready and you, as the adoptive parent, have to respect their choice.

After a few years of updates, I have come to terms that some are not looked at. And that is okay - when they are ready, the updates will be there. 

Are you in the same situation? Are you an adoptive parent who has an open adoption, yet not all birthparents are wanting to schedule visits? How are the children affected? How does it affect you? Please share and let's build our community.

Until my next post, please keep safe and enjoy the warmer weather.

SM