My thoughts on the "Top Ten Bad Reasons for Choosing to Adopt" - article linked in blog!

Hello,

I hope this post finds you safe and healthy. Even if a vaccine is currently available, remember to do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19!

While researching, I came upon a post on the “American Adoptions” blog. The post tackled the wrong reasons to adopt. It is the inspiration for today’s post. No worries, I have linked the post below. I recommend you read it.

1. You want to “save” a baby.

At the risk of sounding harsh - you are no hero and this child does not need saving. What a child needs is to be welcomed into a loving home and family to be nurtured and taken care of.

I will concede that it can be seen as a selfless act to adopt, but if that is your main motivation – you are not doing this for the right reasons.

2. You feel it’s the only choice you have to grow your family.

Okay – how to tackle this one… In our case, we knew becoming parents in the natural way was not an option. That being said, it did not deter us from pursuing our desire to become parents and have a family. Adoption was not our last option, it was how we could be blessed over, and over and over again!

If you look at adoption as a “Band-Aid” solution, there is an underlying unresolved issue that you need to fix before proceeding.

3. Pressure from family and friends to adopt.

Yikes! If you let your family and friends dictate your marriage, that is a bigger problem and adoption is definitely NOT the solution. Just like anything that pertains to your marriage, the only people involved in the adoption process are you and your spouse – no one else!

4. You want to save your marriage.

Infertility … it sucks! It drains you mentally, spiritually and physically. It is also a very heavy cross to carry – even more when you are carrying it on your own. Many marriages suffer and even fall apart because of infertility. It was hard for us and I am so grateful that we stuck it out and faced it together – praise God! We had to work hard to keep our marriage alive and well.

If you are considering adoption and your marriage is suffering, you must first take care of your marriage. Do not fool yourself into thinking that a child will make it better. It is unfair and irresponsible to put that on your child. That is not their problem to fix, it is your own.

5. You want to take advantage of the federal adoption tax break.

Okay, you are a horrible person if you adopt with the intention of getting a tax break. Nothing else to add.

6. You don’t want to face an upcoming “empty nest.”

I have a few friends that are in the “empty nest” stage. They all struggled with it as they went from a house filled with noise to a quiet house. But, that is parenthood – we raise them and then, they leave – sad reality of parenting. Bringing in more children because you can’t face a different phase of your life is not a valid reason to choose adoption. That child should be welcomed because you want to be a parent and provide them with your best – it is not their job to help you fulfill or relieve you from becoming an “empty-nester”.

7. You think it’s your “calling.”

I always knew I wanted to adopt. From the moment I was sixteen, I knew I wanted my family pictures to be with children that looked nothing like me. Was I called to adopt? No, I wanted to be a mom. If you feel called to adopt with unrealistic expectations, you will be sorely disappointed. This is not a vocation – adoption is wanting to become a parent and welcome a child into your home to love and nurture.

8. You’re lonely.

Adopting a child is a life-long commitment and should not be taken lightly. Once that baby comes into your life, you will be busy – very busy. When we went into lockdown, let me tell you … our quarantine was anything but boring. All that being said, a child should not be welcomed into your home to keep you company. It’s the other way around; you are the one there to care for them. If you are lonely, consider a new hobby or joining a gym or book club. Again, it is not the child’s responsibility to satisfy your needs, it’s YOU that needs to satisfy their needs. Do not put that burden on a child.

9. Your child needs a playmate.

Similarly, if you have one child, adoption should not be the go-to answer for loneliness for them, either. Children make friends in many ways, for example, through school and other activities. Adding another member to your family should not be the solution for a child who appears lonely.

It’s wonderful to want your child to have a sibling. In doing so, you teach them about sharing (which is super hard) and how to interact with others (even harder). But it is not right to welcome another child just so your current child has someone to play with.

10. Everyone else is doing it.

Adoption is more popular than ever — and that is awesome! It seems like everywhere you look, even in the news, you hear people’s adoption stories. But, adoption is not a “trend” or a fashion statement. Adoption is a loving way to welcome a child into your home, family and life. It has absolutely nothing to do with image or being cool!

Don’t be a follower – adopt because you want to be a parent and want to welcome a new family member into your home and family. Don’t make this about you, your status and your social media presence – do it for the child you wish to adopt.

 

Are these the only wrong reasons to adopt? No. But, they are the most common ones.

 

All in all, adoption is not like buying a pair of shoes, a purse or a car. There are many moving parts and your emotions will be all over the place. One needs to be prepared for the ups and downs and all the disappointments that come with adoption.

 

So, be honest with yourself and your spouse and just talk…

 

Until my next post, please keep safe and healthy!

 

SM

Article mentioned:

https://www.americanadoptions.com/blog/10-bad-reasons-for-choosing-to-adopt/