What if we don't get matched? Real fear!

Hello everyone,

Happy New Year! Yes, 2020 is finally over and done with. I doubt anyone will miss it.  I wish you all a wonderful and blessed new year full of health and laughter! Also, remember to still keep doing your part to stop the spread of Covid-19.

When you adopt, one of the things you worry about is not getting matched with a birthmom. We all go through it and it is a difficult part of the process. I would not say that it is the most stressful part but it is not fun, at all!

Waiting to be matched is a legitimate fear. It is this gray area that leaves us feeling inadequate and it messes with our confidence. The good thing is that we all get matched, and that we are not alone in feeling this way.

Yes, you need to be patient. Unfortunately, that is the only thing I can tell you. It will happen, when the right birthmom finds you. There is nothing you can do to make yourself more appealing. In reality, birthmoms don’t look for the same thing. With our three adoptions, the birthmoms chose us for completely different reasons. It has nothing to do with your pictures, your stories, how you look, where you live or even what you do. You get matched when you get matched.

Emotions will run high for you, your spouse, your family and friends. You will get the “Did you get the call yet?” about a dozen times. It will drive you crazy. You will also become attached to your phone as though your life depended on it.

Should we even fear not being matched? I don’t think so because there is a baby out there for you. You just need to be patient – I know, it’s hard to accept! It’s even harder, when you have been waiting for years to be a parent and are just itching to be a mom and dad.

When the emotions hit, don’t suppress them, live them and give them the merit they deserve. On the other side, don’t let them ruin your dream of becoming a parent. It’s okay to live out our emotions, but it’s not okay to step into despair and lose hope.

With each of our adoptions, I acted differently in the “waiting to be matched” phase. With the first one, I kept my phone on me at all times. It followed me everywhere. I also made the mistake of following our adoption agency’s social media. I kept seeing these posts of a new family being created or of them meeting with birthmoms and would just stare at the phone. I thought that if I looked at my phone, it would magically start ringing.

Then, I kept looking at our virtual adoption album. I would not look at it and think that it was wonderful. Nope. Instead, I started to pick it apart and look for anything that could potentially be a “red flag” to a birthmom. I became fixated on any flaw that I could find.

Eventually, I started to let go. I think I just got busier. I started to do my normal daily activities. When the call came… I only saw it a couple of hours later.

With our second experience, I was not looking at my phone but would still look at social media. We got called and it was wonderful…but that was a failed match. 

After that failed adoption, I let go of getting called. I lived our grief and it was on a random Monday night – around nine in the evening – that a strange number called. I thought it was spam and did not respond. A few minutes later, a text came in – it was our lawyers and they wanted to speak with us… and BOOM, we had our son.

When the third adoption came around, I was far more relaxed. I had been warned that it could take longer because we already had children – this, at times, can make you less attractive to a birthmom – and I left it into God’s hands. The call came and I actually thought they needed more information – nope, BOOM…we had our second son.

Waiting is never fun. But, it’s part of the adoption process and you need to be ready for it. You will get matched when it’s the right time. In the meantime, take this waiting period to pray, do all the things you can before the baby comes and live your life. That call will come sooner than you think and if it takes time…then, it does. And trust me, when that call comes in, no matter how long you waited, you will find yourself saying: Oh no, nothing is ready!!!! Breathe!!! Don’t worry because your baby will not need much the first few days…except all the snuggles you can give!!

If you or someone you know is currently in the “waiting phase”, remember to be kind to them. It’s not an easy part of the journey. Know I am praying for you and I hope you share your experience with me – let’s build our community.

Until my next post, keep safe and healthy! 

SM