Does It Bother You That Your Kids Don't Look Like You? - common question

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all doing well and keeping safe and healthy. Remember to keep doing your part in helping to stop the spread of Covid-19.

Most often, we do get some looks when we walk around with our kids. Even if you are color blind, you can tell that our children were adopted. Most often, people will smile, but others will gawk and make inappropriate comments like the title of this post. Therefore, this is the subject matter of this post.

First off, I need to mention that it does not bother me AT ALL that my children do not look like me. In fact, I always pictured my family photos being with children that were of different races. Therefore, it never was something that bothered me.

Secondly, if you are bothered by your kids not looking like you - then, maybe adoption is not the route you should be taking. Even if you make the decision to adopt a child that is the same race as you - that child will not look like you. So, if looks matter to you, you need to either make peace with it or not chose adoption.

Thirdly, I know my kids are of a different race and I do not hide it or pretend it is not there. That would be foolish and ill-advised. In fact, as I mentioned in a previous post, our daughter has already noticed that she and her younger brother are not the same race as us or her other brother. The conversation about skin color has already started and it would be - how shall I put this nicely - STUPID to pretend that there is no difference in our races.

Fourthly, regardless of how or who they look like, they are my children and they know that we are their parents. Families are created in two ways: biologically or through adoption. Whatever the way it was created, it does not remove it's nature of being a family. 

Fifthly, and not least, I think it is others who are mostly bothered by the fact that our kids don't look like us. I can understand that. I do know a few people who are unable to come to terms with their infertility. All they long for is to have a child that is their own, from their own genes and looks. I can respect that. Therefore, please respect that, for us, it was about being parents and not just having kids. 

Although the question is valid and can come from a good place, it can, at times, come from a place of judgment and bad faith. As one progresses in the adoption journey, you become more aware of what the person's intentions are and you learn to answer accordingly. Very often, it has to do with lack of education in the matter, but don't be fooled as some can be pretty vicious - I always believe that it is because they have unresolved issues.

Until my next post, please keep safe and healthy. Wear your face mask, wash your hands, don't touch your face and practice social distancing. Do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19.

SM

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