Weird comments and questions - How to deal with them?
Happy New Year and decade!!!!
Yes, it has been a while and I do apologize for not having written earlier - life got in the way and I let it.
But, I am back and wanted to share about weird comments and questions when you adopt because I got the weirdest this past Christmas.
It happened at Church where a lady told me that our son looks like my husband - impossible, I said since he is adopted, both of our kids are. Her answer stunned me: Really, are you sure?
Am I sure that my kids are adopted? Okay, let's think about this... How could I not be sure?
And this is one of many that have been said and one of many to come...
How does one deal with it?
You can always choose the angry and snarky route, but you need to remember that most often, your children are present when these things are said. Therefore, you may want to be mindful and teach them how to be polite and civil. You also want to teach them how to turn this situation into a teaching moment.
It is hard to remain calm and cool, but it's better than ramming into them because then you are teaching your kids that it is okay to be mean back - because yes, some comments are mean!!!
And so, the best way that I have found to reply is to actually look up on the internet adoption forums or magazines. They have been extremely helpful in teaching me how to react and reply. It also makes you feel less alone when those comments, remarks and or stares are made.
For example, depending on where I am, people will prefer one of our kids over the other - one is mixed race and the other is caucasian. When that happens, I always answer - yes, we do have wonderful children, we are truly blessed with both. Most often, it deflects attention and it makes them realize that we have two and both are as important and a blessing.
Another example is when people make assumptions about their birthparents. I was once at a gathering for my husband's work and one person told me that we, my husband and I, were good people to have removed those children from their parents because he claimed that "he knew how they were." YIKES - How did I deal with that one??
First of all, I asked him: oh, how come you know them? I never saw your name on any of the documents? He turned bright red and said: well, I did not know them, but I know of people like them.
YIKES
I then said: I understand that in your line of work, you must see a lot of parents that should not be. But, I am the one who knows the birthparents of our children and without going into details, I can tell you that they are good people - but got caught up with adult situations that left them choosing the most loving and sacrificial option for their child.
He then understood that you can't make assumptions about parents who choose to make adoption plans for their children. He will, hopefully, be more mindful. And it's not because he is not intelligent - it's because he probably knows of parents who have made adoption plans and were not the best parents - yet, despite their past, they still chose life and they made the most loving act. Keep that in mind.
So, in this situation, instead of getting upset, I turned it into a teaching moment.
Again, I acted in this way because I had read about it and I knew how to answer.
And when I will be said something that I never thought could be said...I will breathe and remember to turn it into a teaching moment.
Until then, I hope you are having a great start to your New Year... we are undergoing adoption #3 and I hope to share some good news in the next few weeks or months.
If you have a story to share, please do! I would love to hear about it.
SM
Yes, it has been a while and I do apologize for not having written earlier - life got in the way and I let it.
But, I am back and wanted to share about weird comments and questions when you adopt because I got the weirdest this past Christmas.
It happened at Church where a lady told me that our son looks like my husband - impossible, I said since he is adopted, both of our kids are. Her answer stunned me: Really, are you sure?
Am I sure that my kids are adopted? Okay, let's think about this... How could I not be sure?
And this is one of many that have been said and one of many to come...
How does one deal with it?
You can always choose the angry and snarky route, but you need to remember that most often, your children are present when these things are said. Therefore, you may want to be mindful and teach them how to be polite and civil. You also want to teach them how to turn this situation into a teaching moment.
It is hard to remain calm and cool, but it's better than ramming into them because then you are teaching your kids that it is okay to be mean back - because yes, some comments are mean!!!
And so, the best way that I have found to reply is to actually look up on the internet adoption forums or magazines. They have been extremely helpful in teaching me how to react and reply. It also makes you feel less alone when those comments, remarks and or stares are made.
For example, depending on where I am, people will prefer one of our kids over the other - one is mixed race and the other is caucasian. When that happens, I always answer - yes, we do have wonderful children, we are truly blessed with both. Most often, it deflects attention and it makes them realize that we have two and both are as important and a blessing.
Another example is when people make assumptions about their birthparents. I was once at a gathering for my husband's work and one person told me that we, my husband and I, were good people to have removed those children from their parents because he claimed that "he knew how they were." YIKES - How did I deal with that one??
First of all, I asked him: oh, how come you know them? I never saw your name on any of the documents? He turned bright red and said: well, I did not know them, but I know of people like them.
YIKES
I then said: I understand that in your line of work, you must see a lot of parents that should not be. But, I am the one who knows the birthparents of our children and without going into details, I can tell you that they are good people - but got caught up with adult situations that left them choosing the most loving and sacrificial option for their child.
He then understood that you can't make assumptions about parents who choose to make adoption plans for their children. He will, hopefully, be more mindful. And it's not because he is not intelligent - it's because he probably knows of parents who have made adoption plans and were not the best parents - yet, despite their past, they still chose life and they made the most loving act. Keep that in mind.
So, in this situation, instead of getting upset, I turned it into a teaching moment.
Again, I acted in this way because I had read about it and I knew how to answer.
And when I will be said something that I never thought could be said...I will breathe and remember to turn it into a teaching moment.
Until then, I hope you are having a great start to your New Year... we are undergoing adoption #3 and I hope to share some good news in the next few weeks or months.
If you have a story to share, please do! I would love to hear about it.
SM
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