Being the Only Infertile Woman in the Family - Update after Adopting

Hello everyone, 

I hope this post finds you safe and healthy! Remember to do your part in stopping the spread of Covid-19.

There are some things that I would not wish on anyone - even my worst enemy! Today, I am tackling one of those things: being the only infertile woman in the family! Yup, we are going there!!

I did not know this would be my fate. Somehow, a video surfaced and it gutted me when I saw it. It was a New Year's Eve at my in-laws. I believe it was our second year of marriage... and someone was going around asking us what we wished for the new year. I smiled and said - babies... little did I know that my infertility journey was to take an ugly turn after that...

When you can't conceive, it feels like everyone around can easily get pregnant. Anywhere you go, there is a pregnant woman cuddling her bump - ugh, so annoying, right? Here you are, trying to run your errands and all you see is these pregnant women... you get home and have a good cry and then, it's over because you won't ever see them again....until...

Until you have a family gathering and then, BOOM - A PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT!!! And, once again, it's not you making the announcement. You, obviously, will not show your true emotions - wanting to scream and cry rolled into a ball!! Instead, you just act so happy and you congratulate them because a baby is always a blessing!!  Then, another cycle of baby bump pictures, all that baby talk, the baby showers (you know you will not attend!) ...and then, there will be the birth with all those first pictures and all that joy...

I remember each of those announcements. I broke down at each and every one of them. One year, my worst nightmare came true: two pregnancies in the same year... I was crushed and broken...

When we started growing our family through adoption, there were a couple of announcements. Unlike the previous ones, the sadness was not as dominant. It still does not feel good - but instead of feeling as though I have been punched in the gut repeatedly, it feels like the tingle you feel from a flu shot... Also, that sadness does not linger, it dissipates much faster. And for once, you actually feel true joy immediately as you hear the news - that was proof to me that I had healed.

But, don't be fooled - pregnancy announcements still affect me. They do because they are a constant reminder of what I will never have. Ultrasounds, hearing the heartbeat, making the announcement, gender reveal, baby shower, the birth (yes, I wish I had that privilege) and then, the first look right after they come out... All things I live vicariously through others.

In my experience, and this may be different for you, adopting has had a dampening effect on me when I hear of someone being pregnant. My kids have not cured my infertility, but I am a mom and I very fortunate to have them in my life. And, in some way, I feel like that they have made me more aware of my blessings. 

I wonder how things would have been if we had not been able to adopt... I can be pretty sure that our marriage would have been lonely and difficult. But, God placed us in a city and country where adoption has been possible. If we had stayed in Canada, we may still not have a child as adoption is, at least, an eight year wait... And I am even more grateful that we ended up staying here and not going back.

Being the infertile one has also made me more empathetic towards those who are starting their infertility journey or have been in it for years. I lived those years alone and don't want anyone to live it alone... It was so hard to not have someone to listen to my or dry my tears. Let's be real: it SUCKED!! I wish I was there for every infertile woman, but I can't - so, I am praying for you and should we meet, I will listen to you and your hurt.

Are you the infertile woman in your family, at work or circle of friends? How are you coping? Do you have a good support group or are you going through it alone? 

Until my next post, please keep safe and healthy! Wear your mask, wash your hands, don't touch your face and social distance - let's all do our part to stop the spread of Covid-19.

SM