Will I tell my children everything about their birthparents?

Hello everyone,

I apologize for not having posted on my regular day - I had an expected event occur and had to deal with it. I hope this post finds you all safe and healthy! Remember to wear your mask, wash your hands, social distance and get your flu shot.

When you adopt, you get a lot of questions about not only the process but the child you will be adopting. As flattering as it is to have such interest in your child's story, we are not able to share any of it. It has been, I am sure, a source of frustration and curiosity for them, but we need to protect our children's privacy. It is hard to not say things, but when our children will be older, it will be their decision to share their story.

Now, the other question I get is if we will tell them everything about their story. And the answer is quite simple: YES! As difficult as it will be, we have made a commitment to share the good, the bad and the very ugly. We cannot and will not omit parts of their stories because they will be hard to hear. They have a right to know the whole truth.

We are ready (in some way) and prepared (trust me, I had already read many articles and books) ourselves for those conversations. We anticipate moments of sadness, anger and confusion from them all. We also have decided to share everything before they hit those teenage years. Waiting until they are older can only cause more pain and aggravation from both parties and could lead to disastrous consequences.

With each adoption, I am currently working on a letter, their baby book (from birth to age five) and their box containing any items we were able to collect from before and after adoption. I will also include a binder with all the documents containing all the information on their birth, birthparents and any other documents given to us. I don't want to think we have hidden anything from them.

Some parts of their stories are unknown to us and when asked, we will be honest and reply: "We just don't know." It may not be what they wish to hear, but that is the truth. We made it a point to not hide anything from them, because they may come to hear it from someone else and that would lead to distrust from us. 

Am I looking forward to sharing it all? No, but if it was me, I would want to know the truth. There are many gaps that we won't be able to fill. This may prompt them to want to know more. They may even wish to meet their birthparents. Whatever they wish to do, we will support them in any way that we can. I am not opposed to any of it. I just want them to know that we are there for them and will help them to find out what we don't know.

Honesty is key in adoption. Our children look nothing like us, even our middle son who is Caucasian. our daughter, who is mixed race, she may only be two, but it has been a long time that she already sees the difference in our skin color. There is no hiding they were adopted and I would never lie to them about any of the process.

The Lifebooks we need to provide to the birthparents are great tools because they include so many pictures and letters. These will be read by them later in life. It is their right to know. It is our responsibility to make sure that these letters and pictures are a true depiction of who they were them and who they will become as they grow.

Are you adopted and were not told the truth? Are you adopted and wish you didn't know the truth? Are you an adoptive parent who is at the stage of getting into those details you have been dreading? Please share your story and let's build our community.

Until my next post, keep safe and healthy!

SM