Things you don't know you need to accept when you adopt!

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you all safe and healthy. What a crazy year this is - I think we are ALL ready for it to be over!

I was talking about adoption to a friend and I told her something that shocked her. When it came out of my mouth, she looked at me and said: "Oh, I never thought about that!" She looked quite puzzled and it dawned on me that unless you adopt, you don't know what you will need to accept or get past. So, that is the topic for today!

I would say there are three things you need to accept before you adopt. There are more, but these three are crucial. If you or your spouse have not made your peace with them, you may not be ready to adopt.

1) Infertility

Yes! You would be amazed at how many people adopt thinking they will get pregnant. They think this because they have heard, like I did - so many times - "Wait till you adopt, you will totally get pregnant!!" Then, you hear all these stories of people adopting and getting pregnant and it's all nice and rosy! 

Okay - yes, it does happen. I know someone to whom it did happen. It's great! It's fantastic! What a blessing! However, if you know that you are infertile and that there is no chance of ever conceiving - like us - you need to come to terms with it and then, you can adopt.

Adoption is not a way for you to get pregnant. Adoption is a way to help you grow your family. Adoption is about wanting to be a parent. Adoption is and should never be selfish - it's about becoming a parent!

Therefore, if you and your spouse have not dealt with it entirely, then, you should not be going ahead with an adoption. You could run the risk of starting an adoption process, being matched and then breaking your match because you got pregnant. Although the getting pregnant part is great, it is not so great for the birhtmom who trusted you to take care of her child. This has been seen many times and it is just not something that should be done. 

Deal with the infertility. Accept the loss and then, look forward to adopting and becoming the parent you always dreamed of being! 

2) Another woman will make you a mom and your husband a father

Tough pill to swallow - I know! That is why when people tell me how lucky I was to adopt, I just want to punch them (no worries, I don't punch people - but sometimes, it is tempting).

You see, I have three wonderful children. But, I did not give birth to them - I had to rely on another woman to make me a mom and my husband a father. Trust me, I am completely honored that they picked me, but it was still something I needed to be ready for.

When you think about adoption, you don't fully grasp all that comes with it - I didn't! It only hit me when we met our daughter for the first time. I remember looking at her bithmom and thinking: "Wow - she went through all this so that I could be a mom! She made my husband a father!" As amazing as it was, it did stir some sadness in me and a bit of jealousy. 

I was sad because I was not able to live all the joys of pregnancy. I was jealous because another woman gave my husband something he had wanted for the longest time: to be a father. I had imagined all these different and fun ways to tell him that I was pregnant - I never had that chance. It was hard to come to terms with it and I wish they had addressed this in the adoption classes. I grieved it and then moved on - I was ready and more prepared when we adopted subsequently.

3) Your baby will not look like you or your family

This one may seem obvious but it actually isn't! Some, for a variety of reasons, prefer to adopt a child that is their own race. They think the baby will be more accepted and "blend in" better. Then, the baby comes and although it is of the same race, it still does not look like them. Why? Good question! The answer is simple - they look like the birthparents. 

You need to be okay with having children that look nothing like you. Remember, adoption is about becoming a parent! It's not about YOU - it's about becoming a parent to a child - that's it! This is not about you and your pain and selfishness! I know, harsh words but they need to be told. I don't want you to set yourself up for failure - you need to be prepared! 

A false assumption is that you will feel closer to your child because they look more like you - that is completely false! We have two children of mixed race and one that is Caucasian. We feel close to all three, in the same way. We do give more love to the one that is of our race - no way! We love all of our children equally.

So, be careful about the race of your baby. Remember that you want to be a parent (I know, how many more times can I repeat this - many more!).  Don't fool yourself into thinking you need to adopt a baby that will look more like you - because they won't. 

There are many other things to consider before adopting, but these three are pretty important. They lay the foundation for the many other tough issues you will need to confront and deal with on your own and with your spouse.

If you have any questions or concerns about adopting, please don't hesitate to reach out to your local adoption agency. They have so many resources, online or in person, and it will give you much peace of mind. 

Until my next post, let's all keep safe and healthy! It is certainly crazy but together, we can get through this as a nation!

SM