Post-adoption baby blues - a real thing!

Hello everyone,

I hope that this post finds you safe and healthy! Remember to do your part to protect you and others from Covid-19.

Postpartum depression has become less of a taboo. Women are finally speaking up about that difficult transition that takes place after they give birth to their children. It can last from weeks to months and can lead to anxiety and bouts of depression. Couple this with all the hormonal changes that occur during pregnancy, childbirth and after birth and you have a huge mess... But do women who adopt have something similar happen to them? That is today's topic!

I never thought that I would experience anything close to postpartum depression.  Obviously, it is not called postpartum depression but "post-baby blues" or "post-adoption baby blues". I first learned about it as I was going through all the reading our social worker gave us. Then, I had it - three times, after each adoption.

On average, it begins once the baby is home and the excitement wears off.  It took me three weeks to finally acknowledge that I was going through it. Now, this is my story and yours may be different - or you maybe never experienced it - so, it is my own experience and know that it may differ from yours.

Newborns, not surprising to you if you have been reading me for a while, are just not my favorite. Yes, they are small, cute, smell fresh and are so snuggly. However, they are extremely demanding and you need to on constant watch - especially when it comes to feedings. It takes them, on average, about two months before they can give you a four to five hour of sleep. With our second child, we were on an hour to hour and a half feeding schedule with him during the night...it was exhausting. All this to say that newborns demand a lot of time, attention, patience and a lack of sleep.

For me, a night without sleep is like having coffee without milk or creamer - NOT GOOD! So, it was difficult to get used to no longer having a good night sleep. There were so many other things that changed from one day to the next and it was a lot to take in. We just went from one day to the next from a family of three, to a family of four and then a family of five, all this within twenty-six months... And so, there was a lot of fatigue and changes that were occurring. 

As such, I thought I was simply going through that new baby fatigue. But, something was bothering more than just not sleeping. For me, I started to think about the birthmom.  Each morning, I thought: "Is she okay? Is she regretting the adoption plan? Is she regretting her choice of picking me?" These questions haunted me more when we reached the three week mark - this is when, on average, the birhtmom questions herself about the adoption plan. I remember constantly watching my phone looking for the number of the lawyers - I was expecting to get a phone call that the birthmom was in panic and wanted to baby back. I would have nightmares about the birthmom showing up and demanding to take the baby back. And then, every first moment - first smile, first giggle, first holiday... I felt it - pangs of guilt for being able to see all those moments while she could not... ugh... 

Within a few months, it got better. I remembered and had to remind myself that these birth moms made a plan. They chose me to parent these children. I was chosen, not picked - I was chosen. With our daughter, it lasted almost a year. With my sons, a few months - I am still experiencing it with our third child...it has been more than six months. Eventually, it will past. It will just take time. No use in rushing it... 

For me, I have been able to cope with it by that simple reminder - I was chosen! I also have the adoption albums that I provide the birthparents to allow me to give them all that they need to know. It has been a great way to show them that their choice was the right choice. 

People say adoption is easy - yeah, not at all! We have the same struggles just different circumstances. So, the next time you meet a parent that recently adopted, give them some extra love (Amazon love - because hey, there is pandemic going on...) and ask them: "Hey, are you okay?"

What has been your experience? How did you cope with it? Have you not fully coped? Do you have help or support? Please share and let's build our community.

Until my next post, have a great weekend, keep safe and healthy and remember to do your part in stopping the spread of Covid-19.

SM