What I don't need you to tell me as an adoptive parent!

Hello everyone,

YES!!! It has been a long time - but we had a stay-cation (thank you Covid-19) and I decided to focus on family time. 

I hope that when you read this post, you are keeping safe and healthy. Remember to do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19.

When you adopt, you hear many things - some nice and kind and some...well, you just have the urge them in the face. And it's not that it all comes from a bad place - some come from ignorance about adoption. Also, before we adopted, we were most probably thinking the same thing - that is why education is power. Having gone through this has also made me aware of what I say when I am not educated on the matter at hand.

Here are my five top things that I don't need you to tell me as an adoptive parent:

1) Oh, you are such a great person for having saved these children from their horrible parents!

Goodness, I don't even know where to begin with this one. There are so many wrong things with this sentence that I need to pull it apart to explain what is wrong with it.

First, I am not a great person for having adopted. I was a wife who, with her husband, wanted to be parents. We were not able to do so naturally, therefore, adoption was our way of growing our family. We just wanted to become parents.

Second, we did not save anyone! Sorry to disappoint you, but my husband and I, or any other adoptive parent out there, are not saviors. We only became parents of children whose birthparents made an adoption plan. We were chosen to parent, love and nurture these beautiful children.

Third...what makes you think they had horrible parents? Let's begin with some terminology, though, because it is necessary. My children have parents - us! But they also have birthparents. It was these birthparents that made the adoption plan. They then chose us to become the parents to the child they brought into this world.

Now, let's address the "horrible parents"... why is it that a child that was adopted had horrible parents?? This a misconception when it comes to adoption. Most think these people were awful and hated their kids so they gave their children away - THAT IS NOT THE CASE!!! Are there situations where the birthparents are in a sticky and bad situation? Yes, it happens. But not always. These birthmoms were in an impossible adult circumstance. They chose to do the most loving thing - provide the child they nurtured inside them with a family that would love them and give them what they could not. Don't ever think that they were horrible. And DON'T ever tell that to my kids!!

2) Adoption is so much easier than being pregnant and giving birth - aren't you happy you did not have to go through that?

Again - so many layers to this sentence. I must say that I have close family members who have gone through difficult pregnancies. I think they are the strongest women - because what they went through was ROUGH!! And yes, there were times while they were going through those bad moments that I thought: Yikes, glad that I didn't go through that... 

Despite that being said, I would have loved to have carried my children. I was never able to fill them kick, give birth to them and meet them as they entered the world. I met our daughter through a text message. I met our oldest son in a hospital room and he was a day old. I met our youngest son when he was five days old... I missed out on their entry into the world and will never have that "FIRST" picture. 

There are so many things that I did not get to experience and I do miss them. I lost our daughter, almost eight years ago and I never even got to the point of feeling her inside me. I missed out on baby showers, gender reveals, the bump pictures. For me, these are great losses that I still am grieving from. I envy women with their big bellies - I would stuff pillows under my shirt and look at myself in the mirror... I stopped doing that, but I did for a while. I wanted so desperately to know what it felt like.

So, no - adoption was not easier! I had to be put on a waiting list. I had to prepare a profile with pictures and stories. We had to make ourselves "attractive" to these parents who were making an adoption plan. I had to accept that a stranger was going to make my husband a father. I had to be vulnerable and be scrutinized during a grueling home study process... so, again, adoption is NOT easier. 

3) Oh, your kids are so lucky to have you as parents!

This is a classic line! Every adopted parent has heard this one, at least, once. Each time, I gently say: correction, we are the lucky ones. The reaction is often a surprised look. I then explain that without them, we would have never become parents. They made us parents. They are such a gift to us. 

4) What do you know about their parents?

Even though I know what they are talking about - I must admit that I play dumb at this one. I always reply with: Oh, I know everything about them! In fact, I see them everyday. Their immediate reply is: oh, how come and where? to which I reply: in the mirror... and then, I smile... Again, it's all about education. I explain that we are their parents but that they must be talking about their birthparents. It is important to use the proper language because once my children are old enough to start understanding, they will be the ones answering those questions. For this reason, I need to answer as though they already can understand.

5) Why aren't you breastfeeding them?

This was one that I was not expecting, but it has come up a few times. There have been instances where I was even shamed for not breastfeeding them - like, seriously?? Now, I have learned that even though you are adopting, you can take hormones that will allow you to breastfeed your child. I am not sure of the procedure, so I am not versed in this matter to go into it. What I can tell you is that I have met moms who did breastfeed their adopted children. So, it can be done - if are considering adoption and want to know more about this, I suggest you speak to your doctor on how to proceed. (here is a link that may give you some initial information: https://www.americanadoptions.com/adoption/breastfeeding_an_adopted_baby)

In our case, each adoption happened so quickly that there was no time to prepare. It would have been also reckless for me to start injecting myself with hormones or any other medication without it being possible to know if it would work. It just seemed unreasonable. I know that breastfeeding helps to create that bond, but we would have to create that bond with bottle feeding. And just so you know - we had no issues with bonding!

I have been told many things - and I know more will come. These are the ones that still rub me the wrong way. The important thing is that I have learned to reply with kindness and have used these as opportunities to educate people about adoption. Using snarky remarks can only teach my children the wrong way to answer back. I need to be an example to them.

What kind of remarks have you heard? What hurt the most? Were they from family members, friends or total strangers (they mostly come from total strangers)? How have you dealt with these remarks? Please share and let's build our community.

Until my next post, keep safe and healthy. Do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19.

SM