Infertility and anger - when you need to get over it and why!

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you safe and healthy. How was your weekend? Ours was busy, but we got a sweet treat from the kids - they let us sleep in until almost nine in the morning on Sunday - YAY!!!

Today, I wanted to share about something I went through and have seen in many women who have infertility. When you have infertility, you go through several stages, but the hardest one to get over is the "ANGER" stage. Many remain in it for years before they free themselves from its grip and some, although rare, never get beyond it. As difficult as it is, we need to get over that stage and move onto the next or else, it will poison you and those around you.

Before I continue, I need to say something that is very important. Every one grieves differently. Every one reacts differently. Every one has their own journey. Just because someone got over it within six months, it does not mean you have to do the same. With that being said, you need to take your time to grieve. It is a crucial step to take. If you do not move beyond it, you cannot achieve the final goal - freedom and joy within the pain of infertility (yes, it does exist - I am living proof!)

I was in my "ANGER" stage for about five years. It was a heavy and dark time in my life, my marriage and my spiritual life. I would shy away from any birthday party or event that included children. There was no way I could face being surrounded by small children. The thought of being the only one without a child brought on immense shame.  

During those years, it was impossible for me to feel true joy when I heard pregnancy announcements. Obviously, I never showed my true emotions in front of them. I think it is rude and inappropriate to take away someone's joy - besides, they are not responsible for your infertility. I would avoid looking at them and had stopped following many who were pregnant on social media. I would not even look at pictures of my own nephews and nieces because it would only add to the shame that I was unable to have children. I did whatever I could to protect myself from being in more pain.

It was a great defense mechanism but it could only last for so long. Eventually, you need to go out into the world and you cannot walk around always looking down and avoiding eye contact...  I even went to an event with kids while I was miscarrying  - yeah, that was excruciating! But, it was still easy to avoid friends who were pregnant - but I could not do the same with family members. There was no place to hide during those pregnancy announcements. 

Overwhelming feelings of sadness took over. I coupled those feelings with alcohol and food - a deadly mix. Tears would come and go and my anger just kept getting worse and worse. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated even more the pity looks I would get at any family gathering from family and close friends...

In my case, the anger left when I was ready to know why it was not happening. I needed and wanted to know. In the doctor's office, I cried but also felt relieved that he would give me a real answer. In the car ride home, I suddenly felt excited because I knew the end would be near. I would be free and could FINALLY  move on into our next journey - whatever that would be!

Once we knew that conceiving was no longer an option - there was no more pain. It was finally over and all that anger drained itself from me. It was replaced with acceptance and it was pure bliss. Finally, I was free from the shackles of anger that had been weighing me down for the last five years... It was socially, mentally and spiritually draining. And that is why we need to move on from the anger stage - because while you are in it, you are rendered unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel. It sinks you in more and more and it won't let go.

In my case, surgery was how I got over anger. For you, it may be something else. Whatever it is, you need to find what will help you to move beyond that point. Because although it looks like it will never end, you must believe that it will. Don't let anger take over your life - you will miss out on so much, if you let it win. Remember that you are not alone in this pain. Find the support you need to move on and grab your life back! Be strong because you are strong! Going through infertility takes a strong woman and you are that strong woman!

Are you in the anger stage? How long has it been? Do you have a support group? Please share and let's build our community!

Until my next post, please keep safe and healthy!

SM