Dealing with loneliness as a wife and a mother!

Hello everyone,

I hope that when you read this post, you are safe and healthy.

When we got married, we moved to the US within eight months of our wedding. We not only moved to a different country, but also to a city where we knew no one. It was, to be honest, extremely exciting and I had all these visions of being the perfect little homemaker. Also, we hoped to start our family.

A few weeks in, the reality of it all came crashing down on me. We had a nice little home and I was enjoying running the errands and keeping house. I even bought a book called: "Confessions of an Organized Housewife" and I did read it and did get a lot out of it! But, what I did not expect was that my husband would be working ALL the time, even on weekends. My only company was Youtube - because we could not yet afford Netflix - butter and bread and lots of ice cream (Walmart brand has the greatest flavors). I was lonely, crying all the time and wanted to go back home. As if that was not enough - getting pregnant was not easy and each month brought sadness and disappointment. 

It was rough and I wanted out!!

Fast-forward seven years, we are in a new home, have met several people and made some friends and we now have three beautiful children. Am I still lonely? Of course!! My husband does have a demanding job and now that we are in a pandemic, it has been harder to meet up with family and friends.

During those lonely times, my mother was sad that I had no one to keep me company. But when we started having kids...she started saying things like: "I am so glad you are no longer lonely." or "Now, I can rest assured that the kids are keeping you company." I mean, yes, they do keep me company and it is less lonely - but it is and never was up to them to cure my loneliness. My kids are not here to cure me of anything. My kids are here to help me become a better human and show me how to live the moment. When it comes to my loneliness or any human flaw that I have, that is entirely up to me to get it fixed!

It is a false assumption to believe that once you are married, you do not experience loneliness. That is entirely NOT TRUE!!! There have been so many moments of loneliness in our marriage, even to this day. And I know others who are married who experience it too. 

When we first moved, there was so much to do. But after we had put all of the boxes away, there was only so much cleaning, errand running and cooking that I could do. When loneliness settled in, I allowed it.  I did absolutely nothing to prevent it. All I did was watch mindless shows and movies because, at least, there was noise in the house. Somehow, it made me feel like I was not alone. I kid you not, I know every single episode of the Golden Girls, Gilmore Girls, The Office (UK and US versions) and The Cosby Show!!! Those actors on my screen were my company for hours and hours and weeks and weeks...but that only made the loneliness worse.

Running errands became the highlight of my day because I was going to see people. Yes... I admit I was that annoying person that came in smiling into the store at everyone and being talkative at the cash register. Why? because there were weeks when they were the only other people, apart from my husband, that I had physical contact with - ugh, I am cringing just thinking about it.

Eventually, I had to go out into the world and just do something to keep me busy. I started volunteering and I gave it my all. Within a few weeks, I had a schedule. Meeting new people, getting educated and helping out with projects became my new life and I was loving it. I would still have moments of loneliness as I came home to an empty house. My husband worked very long hours and had to attend several conferences. But something changed - I began to change how I dealt with my loneliness. 

I heard on a show, years ago, this line that resonated with me: "How can I be lonely in a room filled with people?" I remember listening to that and thinking that it must be impossible. Then, it happened to me. I can be at Target (pre-Covid) and still get pangs of loneliness... 

But that loneliness is not my children's burden, it is my own. That is why I don't like it when I get comments about how my kids make me less lonely. It is so unfair to use our children to fix our issues - they did not come into the world for that. And the same goes for your spouse or partner - it is not on them.

How do I fix my loneliness? Here are a few things that help me: reading a good book (even if it's just a few pages), writing, listening to a podcast (this is great for having it in the background while you are cleaning), listening to an audiobook, listening to music, going for a walk ...or a good old school thing that people don't do anymore - just pick up the phone and call someone. These have been a great way to help when loneliness hits.

There are times when loneliness hits and no matter what I do, it is still there. When that happens, I just ride with it. There is something very empowering about being able to sit in that emotion and live it. So often, we are told to use distractions to numb our feelings and emotions. I think it's best to confront them and experience them - because numbing does not fix anything, it just perpetuates it.

In the end, loneliness is a facet of my life that I have not only come to accept but also to embrace. It took me years to get here, but now that I am, I feel free. 

Are you lonely? What are you doing to combat it? Please share and lets build our community.

Have a great week and weekend, until my next post, please keep safe and healthy!

SM