Being the "infertile one" in the family - a heavy cross to bear!

 Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you well and healthy. We are, FINALLY, almost back to normal. My husband has gone back to work after a full week of recovery. I am starting to feel better and am finally done with my antiviral medication. If you didn't read my last post, my husband and I thought we had Covid-19. Turns out, he had some other virus that affected his breathing and I had shingles - it was quite challenging!

Today, I wanted to write about something that most women with infertility struggle with. Here is the scenario: it's Christmas or any other family gathering and everyone is having a great time!  All of a sudden, while you are feeling good about being surrounded by everybody else's children... it happens - another pregnancy announcement and, once again, it's not you. Obviously, you are happy for your family member, but inside, you just want to run and scream. You hold your tears and let them out on the way home (I did that numerous times).

This scenario took place almost every year for us. Each time was a struggle. The worst came when I had two family members announce their pregnancies around the same time. My nightmare was coming true. I wanted to disappear to a place where I could let out all of my anger and pain.

It's bad enough when family knows you have infertility -but when friends start to find out, that piece of information spreads like wildfire. It is impossible to miss their quick glance to your tummy, each time you see them, to look for any sign of a bump. People interpret your Facebook posts as a sign of being pregnant and leave inappropriate comments. I even had the husband of a friend tell me: my wife thinks your pregnant! He just blurted it out and I was shocked! I wanted to scream - because I thought: I am not pregnant yet must look fat for her to think that... And then, I started to become self-conscious about how I looked and what I wore. 

Obsession about always needing to look good took over. If I did not like slim, then people would think I was pregnant. That would lead to looks and glimpses and questions. I wanted to avoid that at all cost. If someone would not tell me that I looked fit and trim - I began to panic and think: Oh no, I look fat and have nothing to show for it... Anxiety attacks became more and more frequent and so did my alcohol consumption. 

Infertility .... it SUCKS! It sucks even more when you are the only one who has it while everybody else in the family is shouting pregnancy announcements, sharing photos of bumps, ultrasounds and that first picture when the baby is born - all things I never had and never will. And it's not like you can tell them to stop doing that - they should not have to stop showing their joy because you are unable to have it. It is not their fault you have infertility.

After we started adopting, pregnancy announcements got easier. But, there was still a hint of hurt when the same family members who got pregnant together in the past, were doing a repeat this year. I was happy, but quietly, I did pray and ask God that it would be nice if our next adoption came first... and God heard. The infertile couple were the first to become parents again this year - plot twist!!

When I was teaching NFP, I remember meeting a client who had suffered numerous miscarriages. She just cried as she recounted how she felt at each family gathering. All I could do was listen to her. I think she just wanted to meet with me to share her pain because she knew that I understood it. She also needed validation as to not having to attend each birthday party or baby shower. I never saw her again and I have kept her in prayer. I pray and hope that things resolved themselves and that she has found peace.

Nobody likes to be left out - that is what it feels like when you are infertile. You are not part of this club that you so desperately want to be a part of. Even as a mom now, because my kids are adopted, I am unable to be part of that club. There are many things that I can bring, but there are so many more that I cannot bring to that club. 

It took me years to get over the harsh reality of my infertility. My kids, unlike what many think, did not cure it - that should not be on them. It still kinda hurts to see pictures of ultrasounds, baby announcements,  and that first moment when the baby enters the world... but I have come to peace with it. I had to because if not, then, I could not be a good mom or wife. The mourning process is a long and tough one, but when it is over, you attain freedom. It is easier to be happy for others and that is a sign that you have moved on from your grief.

Does it still suck? yeah...it does, but far less. I don't think it will ever not suck - because I do feel like I did miss out. Yet, I also know that God does things perfectly. And although I can't understand why He made things the way He did - I know that He made them this way because it was the way things needed to be.

Are you the "infertile" one in the family or in your group of friends? How are you coping? Have you grieved? How did you do it? Please feel free to share and let's build our community.

Until my next post, please keep safe, wear your face mask, wash your hands and don't touch your face. Do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19.

SM