Forgetting Who You Are - Mom Life!

Hello everyone,

I hope you all enjoyed a great and blessed 4th of July! Sorry for my absence but my husband was on vacation and we took a week to just make memories! 

Wherever you are, please remember that Covid-19 is still rampant and you need to wash your hands, not touch your face, wear your masks (just do it!) and go places ONLY when it is essential. Social distancing is key when it comes to this virus.

Today's topic - I think every mom can relate to it. As we move along the different stages of our lives, we evolve and we change who we are. We begin as babies then move on to children and then teenagers and, finally, adults. It is during our adulthood that many life altering events take place - however, there are many who go through such events in their younger years.

During my adulthood, I became a law graduate, went on to working at a law firm, got engaged, married and moved countries - and, after years of infertility, I became a mom through the wonderful gift of adoption. And all these life altering events took place within the span of fifteen years. This may seem like a long time, but trust me - it went by in a flash!

I always knew who I was during all those years...and then, I became a mom. Somehow, things shifted and I felt completely disoriented. It was as though I lost myself completely. It was such a weird thing because I had always wanted to be a mom. Now, I was and I felt so lost. It was not as prominent when we had our daughter, but it became more evident when we started growing our family. 

From one day to the next, I became this tired, over exhausted, impatient, cleaning constantly machine. It felt as thought my days consisted of just keeping my children alive while ensuring that the floor was no longer sticky. I felt as though I was no longer interesting because the only thing that I could talk about are the best baby wipes and cord-free vacuum. It was hard - and then it got harder.

It got harder because I was going about it the wrong way. I was under the impression that kids would make me happy and bubbly. I had all these scenarios in my head with all of us baking cookies and making crafts. Instead, it was constant battles with eating, playing and daily tantrums - because that is what kids do. And I felt as though I was failing - still feel like that, almost on a daily basis...

You see when you hold those babies in your arms, so many things go through your head. You immediately feel the need to protect them from everything and everyone. You go into "Mama Bear" mode and it is impossible to get off to it. You try so hard to let them be but it's stronger than you are - and you stay in that mode always... and that is when things get more difficult. That is the precise moment when you begin to lose yourself. This is where I took a wrong turn...

I started to resent my husband because he still went to work and he got to speak with adults. I was constantly speaking baby language. I was always in diapers and trying to just keep things clean - and I was under the crazy impression that my husband was expecting me to get everything done - cleaning, cooking, laundry, groceries and everything else to make the house run smoothly... This was a HUGE mistake. 

After about two years - I was DONE! I could no longer sustain it and I was miserable with the kids. I was always tired and not able to enjoy my kids and had no energy for my husband. It was my worst self and it was time for a change.

What is a mom's worst trait? Come on...think hard! Nope, not that - nope, not that either... A mom's worst trait is that she is UNABLE or ASHAMED to ask for one very simple thing ... wait for it... HELP!!! Moms are unable, ashamed or unwilling to admit that they need help. I was that person...and because of it, I was miserable and not being a good mom and wife.

I refused to ask for help because I thought that I had to be able to do it all - why and how I reached that conclusion was unbeknownst to me, but there is was. I did not ask for help and was just trying to keep going... and it was not becoming healthy. There were days when I did not even shower or get dressed just so the kids could be clean and look perfect for then dad came home - like, seriously!!!

How did I change? Well, let's be honest - it took a while and a lot of talks with my husband and therapist. I first needed to admit to myself that I was not that stay at home mom that I thought I would be. Instead, I was that mom that my own mom was - a working mom. It had to be clear in my mind that it was okay that I was going to be that mom who stayed home all day. I was that mom that was still getting her Masters and was volunteering and had a nanny to help her to achiever her goals. Not only did I have to be okay with it but I also had to stop justifying it.

Getting help was the best thing ever because I started actually enjoying my kids more. I also became a better wife - and I showered each day and made sure that I looked put together - not just for my husband, but for myself. I also wanted my kids to see that moms do take time for themselves so they can take care of others after. It's like when you are on a plane - you put your oxygen mask first, then you put it on your children...

Wherever you are in your mom journey, remember that you are not alone. We are all struggling in our own way. It does get better, but you need to accept that some days will be bad, but there will be so many more moments of joy and laughter. Hang in there and don't ever stop taking care of you so you can then take care of them. Your kids and spouse need you - so be good to you and go back to who you are - that strong woman who is a greater mom than she thinks.

If you are struggling and need support - please get the help you need. There is no shame in getting help. 

Until my next post, keep safe and healthy. Remember to wash your hands, not touch your face and wear your mask.

SM