Being a Mom and Feeling Inadequate

Hello everyone,

I hope that when you read this post, you are safe and healthy. Remember to wash your hands, don't touch your face and wear a face mask when you leave the house. We must stop the spread of Covid-19 but we must continue to spread kindness.

This week, my toddler has been particularly challenging. She goes through various phases: hitting, spitting, throwing, screaming...you know, typical toddler behavior. Yet, each time it happens with our nanny, I feel it reflects poorly on me - why can't I stop it? Why am I unable to just make her stop that type of behavior?

The answer is simple: I can't! But my brain is unable to just accept that simple answer. The perfectionist in me wants her to be polite and always behave nicely. But then again, I am not one to always be polite and behave nicely...so why am I expecting it from her? Totally irrational of me to do that.

Inadequate is how I started to feel once our toddler got to be a little older. I first felt it when people would comment about her not still walking at the age of one. It would give me such anxiety because it felt like every other child was already walking but not her. Then, it was about the fact that she is a picky eater. Then, it was about her not yet talking...and the list continues.

The thing with kids is that they are all different and they each have their own developmental schedule. Of course, there are certain things in their development that can be questionable. Yet, in the case of our toddler, our family doctor keeps reassuring me constantly that she is developing as she should be. 

The reality is that she is very smart and observant. She can understand French, Portuguese, Polish and English. She can say some words. She knows her colors, body parts and she is a great little helper around the house. She loves books and music and she is getting better with puzzles.

But whenever someone says something about her - it hits me so hard. The worst is when they bring up the fact that she was adopted...like being adopted has anything to do with how you will develop. That one really gets me angry.

I speak to my sister a lot about my feeling of inadequacy and she listens - which I appreciate greatly. If I speak about it with my husband, he just says what he thinks I want to hear - which is worse. I still talk to him about how I feel but I don't expect much... men just don't get it because of they nature of who they are... Also, I know that he is not the nurturing or empathetic type - so, I just pick when I want to tell him things. Often, I just tell him to listen because he, instantly, just wants to fix it.

I often read up on how my kids are behaving - just to reassure myself that they are acting normally. Still, that feeling of inadequacy resurfaces and, often, it keeps me up at night. That is an awful thing - as exhausted as I am, I am rendered unable to sleep because I keep feeling so inadequate and as if I have failed our kids.

The good thing is that most, if not all, Moms feel the same. I just wish that we would all be honest about it. It seems like many are able to just to do it all - yet, they are hiding all the help they have. For example, i know someone personally that was able, while pregnant, to get her schooling completed while still working part-time. She was complimented greatly and accepted the compliment - yet, what she failed to do was mention that she had a nanny, a husband who did not work long hours and who took the kids while she was working and studying. Instead, she accepted the compliment as though she was superwoman... why do women do that?

I have no shame in saying that I have a nanny, a cleaning crew, a landscaper and a personal trainer. Nope, I have no shame because that it is the truth. I have all those extra helps because I need them to be a better Mom, wife, daughter and sister. I also need them because I would never be able to have anytime for me, be able to write and complete my Masters ...

So let's be more transparent, let's not pretend we are these superhero moms - because although we are pretty amazing and phenomenal, we are human and have our flaws. Let's feel inadequate and not enough together so we can pull ourselves up together and bring ourselves to who we truly are - Moms who are doing the best they can!

Until my next post, please keep safe. Let's stop the spread of Covid-19 but let's never stop the spread of kindness.

SM