Why we chose adoption to grow our family
Hello everyone,
I hope you are all having a great day. If your day started off not so good, I hope it gets better. In this time of coronavirus becoming rampant, remember to wash your hands and avoid touching your face, as much as possible! If you are feeling unwell, don't leave the house, rest and take care of yourself.
Oh, you have such a good heart to have adopted...😒
Oh, how lucky are they to have been taken in by you...😒
Oh, they are adopted (they say in a whisper - as if it was a bad thing)😳
Oh, you have a boy and a girl - how great! Now, you have one of each...😕
Oh, so happy you are not one of those large Catholic families....😩
Oh, you have such a big heart to have adopted such a child ( they were referring to our daughter who is African-American)😒
I read these comments and cannot help but think how many have the wrong idea about why people adopt. And so, today, I have chosen to write about why we chose adoption to grow our family.
When our infertility was confirmed, after all the testing and surgery, we then moved on to the next step of our plan on how to grow our family. We had been talking about it for a while. It was not something that we decided on whim. It was not this light bulb that suddenly went off and POUFF...WE ARE ADOPTING! It took time, prayer, discernment and more prayer.
There are three reasons why we chose adoption:
1) We wanted to become parents
For years, we had longed to have a house filled with noise and toys. Each trip, we kept talking about the things we would do the next time when we had kids. Each year, it was the same sadness that kept coming back because, once again, it was a year without children.
When infertility became a permanent fixture in our marriage, we knew that the only option we had was adoption. We wanted to become parents and were not fixated on having a baby (yes, there is a distinction - I will address this in a future blog)
2) We did not want to do IVF
Yes, we are Catholic and would not choose IVF for moral reasons. Yet, the reason why we did not choose IVF was more than just because of religion. For us, it was also about not wanting to manufacture our children. We also worried about all the children that would be thrown away so we would have the "perfect" baby.
Us not being able to have biological children changed how we viewed growing a family. In the end, it was about becoming parents, which is our main reason for having chosen adoption. It was never about having a baby.
Also, so many go through IVF only to feel like cattle. They are not given the dignity that they deserve as both men and women and it becomes a cash industry and nothing more. Oh, it didn't work? No problem, give us another fifteen to twenty thousand dollars and we can do that for you all over again...
We never even discussed trying IVF because we both knew it was not for us.
3) It did not matter - still doesn't - what our children would look like
We have a daughter that is of mixed race and a son who is Caucasian and are on the list for a child of mixed race or Black. So, clearly, looks were never our main focus. In addition, we have been open, since our second adoption, to a child with special needs. Again, it's clearly not important for us what our next child will look like or what challenges may come with them. In the end, our goal is to become parents again and grow our family.
Our children have taught us how to be more open to the world. It has made us aware of our surroundings and of situations that we would never have thought of, hadn't it been for them. I am so grateful for all the wonderful life lessons that have taught us and will continue teaching us.
All in all, it was simple for us that adoption was how we would achieve our dream of becoming parents. As we continue on with our third adoption, we are so blessed to have been chosen by wonderful birthmothers who trusted us to love and raise wonderful children.
There are some reasons that I found online as to why people choose adoption and some were pretty appalling and weird to me. I wanted to mention some of them.
1) People adopt to OVERCOME their infertility
For this one, I believe it is the choice of the word "overcome", that gets to me. One does not overcome their infertility with adoption. First, you overcome infertility by grieving and making peace with it. Second, once the grieving period is over, then, you move on to adoption. But, you do not adopt to overcome infertility, just like you don't adopt to overcome a bad marriage.
2) People adopt because they wish to choose the sex of their baby
Okay, maybe some people do that, but seriously...just knowing that you will have a baby and your family will grow should be enough. This leaves such a bad taste in my mouth because it turns adoption into shopping for children - which it is not!
3) People adopt because they want to save a child
I have dealt with this in previous blogs and so, I believe that it bears repeating: WHEN YOU ADOPT, YOU ARE NOT SAVING A CHILD! It is true that some birthparents are in a tough situation, but it is false to think that we adopt to save anyone. That is wrong and leaves the impression that birthparents are all in bad situations.
Please stop saying that we are saving children...no, no, no!!!
4) People adopt to balance population growth
I have never heard this as an argument for adopting...but it seems weird as some adopt multiple children and end up with large families - some even have 11 to 12 children. So, I am not sure that this is an argument at all. Honestly, it is actually insulting to the children that are adopted.
Adoption brings its challenges, but the joys outweigh them all. We are so proud of our family and cannot to wait to keep it growing!
If you have other reasons why you chose to adopt, or chose not to adopt (I want to address this in a future blog, as well), please share and let's build our community!
SM
I hope you are all having a great day. If your day started off not so good, I hope it gets better. In this time of coronavirus becoming rampant, remember to wash your hands and avoid touching your face, as much as possible! If you are feeling unwell, don't leave the house, rest and take care of yourself.
Oh, you have such a good heart to have adopted...😒
Oh, how lucky are they to have been taken in by you...😒
Oh, they are adopted (they say in a whisper - as if it was a bad thing)😳
Oh, you have a boy and a girl - how great! Now, you have one of each...😕
Oh, so happy you are not one of those large Catholic families....😩
Oh, you have such a big heart to have adopted such a child ( they were referring to our daughter who is African-American)😒
I read these comments and cannot help but think how many have the wrong idea about why people adopt. And so, today, I have chosen to write about why we chose adoption to grow our family.
When our infertility was confirmed, after all the testing and surgery, we then moved on to the next step of our plan on how to grow our family. We had been talking about it for a while. It was not something that we decided on whim. It was not this light bulb that suddenly went off and POUFF...WE ARE ADOPTING! It took time, prayer, discernment and more prayer.
There are three reasons why we chose adoption:
1) We wanted to become parents
For years, we had longed to have a house filled with noise and toys. Each trip, we kept talking about the things we would do the next time when we had kids. Each year, it was the same sadness that kept coming back because, once again, it was a year without children.
When infertility became a permanent fixture in our marriage, we knew that the only option we had was adoption. We wanted to become parents and were not fixated on having a baby (yes, there is a distinction - I will address this in a future blog)
2) We did not want to do IVF
Yes, we are Catholic and would not choose IVF for moral reasons. Yet, the reason why we did not choose IVF was more than just because of religion. For us, it was also about not wanting to manufacture our children. We also worried about all the children that would be thrown away so we would have the "perfect" baby.
Us not being able to have biological children changed how we viewed growing a family. In the end, it was about becoming parents, which is our main reason for having chosen adoption. It was never about having a baby.
Also, so many go through IVF only to feel like cattle. They are not given the dignity that they deserve as both men and women and it becomes a cash industry and nothing more. Oh, it didn't work? No problem, give us another fifteen to twenty thousand dollars and we can do that for you all over again...
We never even discussed trying IVF because we both knew it was not for us.
3) It did not matter - still doesn't - what our children would look like
We have a daughter that is of mixed race and a son who is Caucasian and are on the list for a child of mixed race or Black. So, clearly, looks were never our main focus. In addition, we have been open, since our second adoption, to a child with special needs. Again, it's clearly not important for us what our next child will look like or what challenges may come with them. In the end, our goal is to become parents again and grow our family.
Our children have taught us how to be more open to the world. It has made us aware of our surroundings and of situations that we would never have thought of, hadn't it been for them. I am so grateful for all the wonderful life lessons that have taught us and will continue teaching us.
All in all, it was simple for us that adoption was how we would achieve our dream of becoming parents. As we continue on with our third adoption, we are so blessed to have been chosen by wonderful birthmothers who trusted us to love and raise wonderful children.
There are some reasons that I found online as to why people choose adoption and some were pretty appalling and weird to me. I wanted to mention some of them.
1) People adopt to OVERCOME their infertility
For this one, I believe it is the choice of the word "overcome", that gets to me. One does not overcome their infertility with adoption. First, you overcome infertility by grieving and making peace with it. Second, once the grieving period is over, then, you move on to adoption. But, you do not adopt to overcome infertility, just like you don't adopt to overcome a bad marriage.
2) People adopt because they wish to choose the sex of their baby
Okay, maybe some people do that, but seriously...just knowing that you will have a baby and your family will grow should be enough. This leaves such a bad taste in my mouth because it turns adoption into shopping for children - which it is not!
3) People adopt because they want to save a child
I have dealt with this in previous blogs and so, I believe that it bears repeating: WHEN YOU ADOPT, YOU ARE NOT SAVING A CHILD! It is true that some birthparents are in a tough situation, but it is false to think that we adopt to save anyone. That is wrong and leaves the impression that birthparents are all in bad situations.
Please stop saying that we are saving children...no, no, no!!!
4) People adopt to balance population growth
I have never heard this as an argument for adopting...but it seems weird as some adopt multiple children and end up with large families - some even have 11 to 12 children. So, I am not sure that this is an argument at all. Honestly, it is actually insulting to the children that are adopted.
Adoption brings its challenges, but the joys outweigh them all. We are so proud of our family and cannot to wait to keep it growing!
If you have other reasons why you chose to adopt, or chose not to adopt (I want to address this in a future blog, as well), please share and let's build our community!
SM
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