Adoption Series - Blog Post #5
Hello everyone,
I hope everyone is having a great day! If you are not, I am sorry about that and I hope that it does get better.
Today, I wanted to share about our experience with meeting a birthmom. If you adopt, you may have the chance to meet her and you may be wondering what to say or what to do or how to feel. This is my experience and what I have learned.
Just as a disclaimer, I am not an adoption expert. I am simply sharing my story and my experience.
When we received news of our adoption match, we were so excited. After so many years of grief and wait, we were now closer to becoming parents. Yet, we were nervous about one thing: meeting the birthmom. We had read about how to act, what to say and what to expect, but to be honest, only when you go through it can you get the full experience.
With our daughter, we had a meeting together with some phone calls with her birthmom. The first conversation was so weird. We were at my parents for Christmas and the only place we could have some privacy was in my parent's basement.
Our lawyers advised us to treat it as a first date. We prayed before dialing and just let things happen naturally. We wanted her to feel in control of the situation. We asked questions but wanted to mainly give her an opportunity to ask as many questions or address any concerns she may be having. The first few minutes were intense because there were some moments of silence. What do you tell the woman that could potentially make you a parent? Eventually, it became more comfortable.
During the phone conversation, we decided to meet in person. I think it was important for her to meet us to solidify her decision. We also wanted to be able to share with her who we were and not just leave her with a paper impression of us - which is how she initially knew about us.
When we got back from Christmas, a face-to-face meeting was scheduled at our lawyer's office. The moment I saw her, I thought: wow, she is so beautiful! She was nervous, as we were, but I am sure she was the most nervous person in that room. She was holding on to her hands, kept moving around in the chair and looking around.
We let her take charge of the meeting and thought it to be less awkward than when we first spoke. It was, actually, reassuring because we got to know who she was and she got to know who were were. It turned out she was worried that we would not take the baby. We then admitted that we feared that she would choose to parent. It was nice to be honest- she was very honest with us.
After about an hour, we left and continued to maintain contact through text message and occasional phone calls. Then, we saw her when our daughter was born.
We had researched and read about meeting a birthparent. We read about the good, the bad and the very ugly. We felt blessed that our experience was a good one.
I did learn a few things, though. I learned that doing your research is necessary. This meeting will be most impactful one you will ever experience. It will change you and your views forever. So, don't treat it lightly. Be prepared.
Praying was also very important. It helped to ground us and keep us focused on the task at hand. This was not about us. It was about a woman who was about to undergo the most loving, unselfish and self-sacrificial act of love.
I mentioned letting her be in control. This was key because most often, these birthmoms feel such a loss of control over their own lives and situation. We wanted and needed to empower her. We made sure that she knew that she was the one in charge of the calls, texts and how the birth would go. We also made sure she had all the time she could have with the baby, once she was born.
All in all, you need to remember that the birhtmom is going through a slew of emotions. She is about to take on the biggest life-changing event of her life. You cannot and should not make this about you and your desires. You need to put her at the forefront of it all. You also need to be her advocate because no one else will. You will need to protect her and forbid anyone of treating her poorly or saying anything negative about her.
Our birthmom cared and nurtured her child for nine months. She gave life to a child who later became ours. For that, I am eternally grateful.
If you currently undergoing an adoption and are about to meet the birthmom, know that you are not alone. Be calm, be honest and let her take charge.
SM
I hope everyone is having a great day! If you are not, I am sorry about that and I hope that it does get better.
Today, I wanted to share about our experience with meeting a birthmom. If you adopt, you may have the chance to meet her and you may be wondering what to say or what to do or how to feel. This is my experience and what I have learned.
Just as a disclaimer, I am not an adoption expert. I am simply sharing my story and my experience.
When we received news of our adoption match, we were so excited. After so many years of grief and wait, we were now closer to becoming parents. Yet, we were nervous about one thing: meeting the birthmom. We had read about how to act, what to say and what to expect, but to be honest, only when you go through it can you get the full experience.
With our daughter, we had a meeting together with some phone calls with her birthmom. The first conversation was so weird. We were at my parents for Christmas and the only place we could have some privacy was in my parent's basement.
Our lawyers advised us to treat it as a first date. We prayed before dialing and just let things happen naturally. We wanted her to feel in control of the situation. We asked questions but wanted to mainly give her an opportunity to ask as many questions or address any concerns she may be having. The first few minutes were intense because there were some moments of silence. What do you tell the woman that could potentially make you a parent? Eventually, it became more comfortable.
During the phone conversation, we decided to meet in person. I think it was important for her to meet us to solidify her decision. We also wanted to be able to share with her who we were and not just leave her with a paper impression of us - which is how she initially knew about us.
When we got back from Christmas, a face-to-face meeting was scheduled at our lawyer's office. The moment I saw her, I thought: wow, she is so beautiful! She was nervous, as we were, but I am sure she was the most nervous person in that room. She was holding on to her hands, kept moving around in the chair and looking around.
We let her take charge of the meeting and thought it to be less awkward than when we first spoke. It was, actually, reassuring because we got to know who she was and she got to know who were were. It turned out she was worried that we would not take the baby. We then admitted that we feared that she would choose to parent. It was nice to be honest- she was very honest with us.
After about an hour, we left and continued to maintain contact through text message and occasional phone calls. Then, we saw her when our daughter was born.
We had researched and read about meeting a birthparent. We read about the good, the bad and the very ugly. We felt blessed that our experience was a good one.
I did learn a few things, though. I learned that doing your research is necessary. This meeting will be most impactful one you will ever experience. It will change you and your views forever. So, don't treat it lightly. Be prepared.
Praying was also very important. It helped to ground us and keep us focused on the task at hand. This was not about us. It was about a woman who was about to undergo the most loving, unselfish and self-sacrificial act of love.
I mentioned letting her be in control. This was key because most often, these birthmoms feel such a loss of control over their own lives and situation. We wanted and needed to empower her. We made sure that she knew that she was the one in charge of the calls, texts and how the birth would go. We also made sure she had all the time she could have with the baby, once she was born.
All in all, you need to remember that the birhtmom is going through a slew of emotions. She is about to take on the biggest life-changing event of her life. You cannot and should not make this about you and your desires. You need to put her at the forefront of it all. You also need to be her advocate because no one else will. You will need to protect her and forbid anyone of treating her poorly or saying anything negative about her.
Our birthmom cared and nurtured her child for nine months. She gave life to a child who later became ours. For that, I am eternally grateful.
If you currently undergoing an adoption and are about to meet the birthmom, know that you are not alone. Be calm, be honest and let her take charge.
SM
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