My spouse does not want to adopt - now what?
Hello everyone,
I don't know where you are as you are reading this, but we are experiencing a dense fog - not fun. Yet, I will take it as some are experiencing horrible storms with heavy rain, snow, ice... so, I am good with fog.
Yeah, this is a touchy topic, because I don't have a personal experience but have seen it take place and it looks like an awful thing to go through... when we are about to take on such a big step, it's nice and comforting to know that our spouse is also on board.
It was during an adoption class that I met a man who was all alone. Usually, it can happen that the other person cannot attend. This was not the case here. In this case, the partner decided that he no longer wanted to go through the adoption... I felt sad for him because I could see that he was hopeful that his partner would change his mind, but I also sensed that he knew that things would not change.
Among some of the people know that are unable to have children, we know that some of the men are not open to adoption. To them, it feels like if they can't have a child that looks like them, then they should have any children - this is heartbreaking to watch, especially because we know how upset it makes the wife.
Unfortunately, the only advice I can think of giving is to talk about why there is this hesitance towards adoption. It may be that there is an underlying issue that just needs to be resolved. It could be a fear of loss again - when the match does not go through. It could be a fear of not being able to love a child that does not look like them. It could be an ego thing - hey, it can happen because everyone deals differently with infertility.
An issue like this does capture the importance of always being honest with each other and ourselves. In some cases, there is one spouse that is only doing it because they see that the other one is longing so much to be a parent. Acting in such a way is a HUGE MISTAKE. You BOTH need to be on the same page when it comes to adoption - this is NOT the time to do something just to please the other... This is too important to do such a thing.
I think this may occur because no one ever thinks that they will have issues conceiving. It is something that never crosses our minds - until it happens to us. For this reason, my husband and I have started to tell engaged couples to talk about infertility and how they would deal with it. It's such a crushing blow to find out that we cannot have children, so we need to be prepared - in some sort.
In the event that this is your case or know someone who is, know you\they are not alone. Seek help and reach out to anyone that may provide you with any guidance. If it's your friend or family, just listen to them. They don't need more than that - just listen to them.
Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone if you are in this situation. Seek out help and don't live this alone.
SM
I don't know where you are as you are reading this, but we are experiencing a dense fog - not fun. Yet, I will take it as some are experiencing horrible storms with heavy rain, snow, ice... so, I am good with fog.
Yeah, this is a touchy topic, because I don't have a personal experience but have seen it take place and it looks like an awful thing to go through... when we are about to take on such a big step, it's nice and comforting to know that our spouse is also on board.
It was during an adoption class that I met a man who was all alone. Usually, it can happen that the other person cannot attend. This was not the case here. In this case, the partner decided that he no longer wanted to go through the adoption... I felt sad for him because I could see that he was hopeful that his partner would change his mind, but I also sensed that he knew that things would not change.
Among some of the people know that are unable to have children, we know that some of the men are not open to adoption. To them, it feels like if they can't have a child that looks like them, then they should have any children - this is heartbreaking to watch, especially because we know how upset it makes the wife.
Unfortunately, the only advice I can think of giving is to talk about why there is this hesitance towards adoption. It may be that there is an underlying issue that just needs to be resolved. It could be a fear of loss again - when the match does not go through. It could be a fear of not being able to love a child that does not look like them. It could be an ego thing - hey, it can happen because everyone deals differently with infertility.
An issue like this does capture the importance of always being honest with each other and ourselves. In some cases, there is one spouse that is only doing it because they see that the other one is longing so much to be a parent. Acting in such a way is a HUGE MISTAKE. You BOTH need to be on the same page when it comes to adoption - this is NOT the time to do something just to please the other... This is too important to do such a thing.
I think this may occur because no one ever thinks that they will have issues conceiving. It is something that never crosses our minds - until it happens to us. For this reason, my husband and I have started to tell engaged couples to talk about infertility and how they would deal with it. It's such a crushing blow to find out that we cannot have children, so we need to be prepared - in some sort.
In the event that this is your case or know someone who is, know you\they are not alone. Seek help and reach out to anyone that may provide you with any guidance. If it's your friend or family, just listen to them. They don't need more than that - just listen to them.
Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone if you are in this situation. Seek out help and don't live this alone.
SM
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