Adoption Series - Blog Post #2
Hello everyone,
I apologize that I was not able to write during the week. I injured my right shoulder and I am waiting to see if I will need surgery. So, if you are waiting to hear back if you will need surgery, know that you are NOT alone and we will all get through this - we have no choice!
So, you have infertility and you have been dealing with it for a few years now. You now feel ready, as a couple, to proceed with an adoption. Here are some things you need to consider. Know that we went through this and so, I speak from experience.
It was not our case and will never be, but there are couples, who struggled with infertility, and became pregnant after adopting. I am sure that many questions and concerns may arise if this was the case. It would not be a bad thing at all. Why would it be?
However, I will say that when you are struggling with infertility, you will be told to stop all fertility treatments while you are undergoing an adoption process. The reason for this is quite simple: to avoid you having been matched and then refusing the match because you got pregnant. That is a major NO NO - not the getting pregnant part, but accepting a match and then not following through.
Another reason is to avoid what they call "twinning". This is when you adopt children, very close in age...or adopt while becoming pregnant. Now, I am not going to get into the controversy that surrounds this, but I will say that we came close to it, and we knew it would not be good for our family. We had just adopted our son and it felt unfair to both him and our daughter to have go through all that chaos. Yet, it does not mean that it cannot be done, but if it becomes your case, do think about it and know that it is okay to say NO.
Now, I can already see your face of shock as I wrote that, but think about it... you tell a birthmom that you will raise their child, while behind their back, you are still trying to conceive your own...that is dishonest and is not something that should be done.
In the event, that you do adopt and that you then become pregnant, that is GREAT!! You will now have a bigger family and you gave your first child a new sibling.
Yes...yes, I know: what if I can't love my adopted child the same as my biological child? You will love them the same because they will BOTH be your children. That is like asking me if I prefer my daughter because she is a girl, like me, while my son is a boy... So, please do not worry about this because you love them because they are your children and you care for them each day and love them more and more each day.
Little side note, I was astonished when I was told by Moms who gave birth to their own children that they experienced having to bond with this "stranger". You see, I had always been under the impression that if you gave birth to your own child, then, you would automatically with your child - turns out I was wrong!! WOW - why do we make such assumptions??
Something that is also discussed during an adoption process, particularly with a couple that has infertility, is how they have dealt with their grief - or have they?
This is a very important conversation to have because if you have not dealt with your grief, then, you are not ready to adopt. Let me be honest. Infertility is a very difficult thing to go through for a woman, a man, a couple and a family. It is not something that you just get over. You don't get over it - you deal with it and you MUST grieve it.
Adoption is NOT a solution to infertility. Just like a child cannot fix a broken marriage, a child cannot fix your infertility. Don't impose that on them. It is not their cross or path to bear and fix.
Therefore, before you start an adoption process, make sure that you have fully grieved and are ready to move forward!! Trust me, it will make this process far easier. You need to be ready to know that you will not have a regular pregnancy announcement, a baby shower before the baby arrives, a gender reveal, an ultrasound, the first look as they enter the world ... You cannot and should not start an adoption process unless you have grieved and are ready to move on.
Ouf, this was a heavy topic to tackle, but it comes with the adoption journey.
All in all, infertility is already a very difficult thing to overcome. Adding the stress of an adoption to it, without having dealt with that heavy and silent pain is just adding oil to the fire. You don't need that - nobody does.
I hope to be able to write more next week - if not, I will try to at least write once a week until I am able to blog more consistently.
Until then, take care and be safe.
SM
I apologize that I was not able to write during the week. I injured my right shoulder and I am waiting to see if I will need surgery. So, if you are waiting to hear back if you will need surgery, know that you are NOT alone and we will all get through this - we have no choice!
So, you have infertility and you have been dealing with it for a few years now. You now feel ready, as a couple, to proceed with an adoption. Here are some things you need to consider. Know that we went through this and so, I speak from experience.
It was not our case and will never be, but there are couples, who struggled with infertility, and became pregnant after adopting. I am sure that many questions and concerns may arise if this was the case. It would not be a bad thing at all. Why would it be?
However, I will say that when you are struggling with infertility, you will be told to stop all fertility treatments while you are undergoing an adoption process. The reason for this is quite simple: to avoid you having been matched and then refusing the match because you got pregnant. That is a major NO NO - not the getting pregnant part, but accepting a match and then not following through.
Another reason is to avoid what they call "twinning". This is when you adopt children, very close in age...or adopt while becoming pregnant. Now, I am not going to get into the controversy that surrounds this, but I will say that we came close to it, and we knew it would not be good for our family. We had just adopted our son and it felt unfair to both him and our daughter to have go through all that chaos. Yet, it does not mean that it cannot be done, but if it becomes your case, do think about it and know that it is okay to say NO.
Now, I can already see your face of shock as I wrote that, but think about it... you tell a birthmom that you will raise their child, while behind their back, you are still trying to conceive your own...that is dishonest and is not something that should be done.
In the event, that you do adopt and that you then become pregnant, that is GREAT!! You will now have a bigger family and you gave your first child a new sibling.
Yes...yes, I know: what if I can't love my adopted child the same as my biological child? You will love them the same because they will BOTH be your children. That is like asking me if I prefer my daughter because she is a girl, like me, while my son is a boy... So, please do not worry about this because you love them because they are your children and you care for them each day and love them more and more each day.
Little side note, I was astonished when I was told by Moms who gave birth to their own children that they experienced having to bond with this "stranger". You see, I had always been under the impression that if you gave birth to your own child, then, you would automatically with your child - turns out I was wrong!! WOW - why do we make such assumptions??
Something that is also discussed during an adoption process, particularly with a couple that has infertility, is how they have dealt with their grief - or have they?
This is a very important conversation to have because if you have not dealt with your grief, then, you are not ready to adopt. Let me be honest. Infertility is a very difficult thing to go through for a woman, a man, a couple and a family. It is not something that you just get over. You don't get over it - you deal with it and you MUST grieve it.
Adoption is NOT a solution to infertility. Just like a child cannot fix a broken marriage, a child cannot fix your infertility. Don't impose that on them. It is not their cross or path to bear and fix.
Therefore, before you start an adoption process, make sure that you have fully grieved and are ready to move forward!! Trust me, it will make this process far easier. You need to be ready to know that you will not have a regular pregnancy announcement, a baby shower before the baby arrives, a gender reveal, an ultrasound, the first look as they enter the world ... You cannot and should not start an adoption process unless you have grieved and are ready to move on.
Ouf, this was a heavy topic to tackle, but it comes with the adoption journey.
All in all, infertility is already a very difficult thing to overcome. Adding the stress of an adoption to it, without having dealt with that heavy and silent pain is just adding oil to the fire. You don't need that - nobody does.
I hope to be able to write more next week - if not, I will try to at least write once a week until I am able to blog more consistently.
Until then, take care and be safe.
SM
Comments