So...where are their Mothers?
Hello everyone,
I wanted to address something that I get asked, quite often: So, where are their Mothers? Another variation would be: So, what do you know about their parents? Either way, it still hurts to have someone ask that question. And although, our children are too young to fully comprehend, they will soon enough and they will be the ones answering.
Now, I can fully understand that someone would be curious because our children don't look like us, but that does not mean that they are not our children. Yet, I can comprehend people being curious. However, why are they all assuming that we are not the parents, that I am not the Mother? That is what hurts most..because when they ask that question, they don't know my story.
Now, my first instinct is to be snarky, but knowing that I need to be an example to my my kids, I prefer to be more diplomatic and take this opportunity as more of a teaching moment. You would be surprised at how many people don't know much about adoption and this could serve as a very interesting conversation. It can bring awareness and mindfulness to others.
I often reply with the same question: Why do you ask? or I am their Mother. If they still have that puzzled look, I push a bit more...until I say that my children are adopted and I am their Mother. I then add that they must be asking about their Birthmoms. And that engages in another conversation.
Very often, the conversation lasts no longer than five minutes, but it can sometimes last a bit longer...depending on how it is going. There are have been some instances when they would then want to know details and I always answer the same thing: I understand that you are curious, but that belongs to my children's story and I am not at liberty to share that information.
This question still hurts, but just not as much because I have changed my perspective on how to answer it. However, I cannot say at many times, they always add: No...I am speaking of the one that gave birth to them... and my heart breaks because I am again reminded that I did not give birth to them. But, that is my cross to carry and I have no other choice but to carry it.
The next time someone asks you this question, please don't reply in anger. Be classy and respond with kindness. For all you know, they may have adoption questions and you may be the only person they know that they ask questions to. They could also be curious because a family member or friend is wanting to adopt and they have questions. Either way, being snarky is never a way to answer because when your kids are older, they will be the ones answering. What kind of answer would you want them to give? A snarky one or one with diplomacy and that will engage conversation and serve as a great teaching moment? I know my answer. Do you know yours?
Don't be hurt by it, expect it and be firm and educating in your answer.
Sonia-Maria
I wanted to address something that I get asked, quite often: So, where are their Mothers? Another variation would be: So, what do you know about their parents? Either way, it still hurts to have someone ask that question. And although, our children are too young to fully comprehend, they will soon enough and they will be the ones answering.
Now, I can fully understand that someone would be curious because our children don't look like us, but that does not mean that they are not our children. Yet, I can comprehend people being curious. However, why are they all assuming that we are not the parents, that I am not the Mother? That is what hurts most..because when they ask that question, they don't know my story.
Now, my first instinct is to be snarky, but knowing that I need to be an example to my my kids, I prefer to be more diplomatic and take this opportunity as more of a teaching moment. You would be surprised at how many people don't know much about adoption and this could serve as a very interesting conversation. It can bring awareness and mindfulness to others.
I often reply with the same question: Why do you ask? or I am their Mother. If they still have that puzzled look, I push a bit more...until I say that my children are adopted and I am their Mother. I then add that they must be asking about their Birthmoms. And that engages in another conversation.
Very often, the conversation lasts no longer than five minutes, but it can sometimes last a bit longer...depending on how it is going. There are have been some instances when they would then want to know details and I always answer the same thing: I understand that you are curious, but that belongs to my children's story and I am not at liberty to share that information.
This question still hurts, but just not as much because I have changed my perspective on how to answer it. However, I cannot say at many times, they always add: No...I am speaking of the one that gave birth to them... and my heart breaks because I am again reminded that I did not give birth to them. But, that is my cross to carry and I have no other choice but to carry it.
The next time someone asks you this question, please don't reply in anger. Be classy and respond with kindness. For all you know, they may have adoption questions and you may be the only person they know that they ask questions to. They could also be curious because a family member or friend is wanting to adopt and they have questions. Either way, being snarky is never a way to answer because when your kids are older, they will be the ones answering. What kind of answer would you want them to give? A snarky one or one with diplomacy and that will engage conversation and serve as a great teaching moment? I know my answer. Do you know yours?
Don't be hurt by it, expect it and be firm and educating in your answer.
Sonia-Maria
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