Is it okay to say NO, after you have said YES
Hello everyone,
So, you have been matched with a birthmom. You are excited and you just cannot believe that in a few weeks or months, you will have a baby or child in your house!
Then, something happens...you either start to learn more about the birthparent and it is making you anxious or friends or relatives have made comments about your match. Slowly your excitement begins to fade to the point that you are wondering if you did the right thing.
Is it okay to say NO, after you have said YES???
Well, no, it's not okay. It's actually very frowned upon to do such a thing, because this birthparent has already gone through so much and they took their time to choose you. Also, a bond between you and them may have already started and it can get very awkward and messy.
Now, am I saying that it hasn't been done? OF COURSE NOT!! It has been done and still keeps happening. But just because something has been done before, it does not mean that it's the right thing to do.
I have read of cases where the prospective adoptive parents got pregnant right after they matched and they went back on their word. I also heard of people only wanting one of the babies - in the case of twins, even preferring a gender. When I read these things, it makes me sad, because adoption is not a transaction. This is NOT Burker King - YOU CANNOT HAVE IT YOUR WAY!
But, I am sure that there are valid reasons for saying no after having said yes: one the spouses or partner died, a divorce process has begun, a change of job, sickness ..
Reasons that are not valid are: fear of becoming a parent, fear of attachment issues, fear of finances, fear of no longer having a life, fear of no more sleeping (okay, I totally get that one, but trust me - IT IS STILL WORTH IT), fear of people's reactions or comments...
And let me be honest, I do still fear comments and reactions depending on where I go with the kids, but that should never stop you from saying yes and committing until the end. You will hit bumps in the road, but you will also get a support group that will help you and provide you all the necessary resources that will help you with each challenge. Don't let fear get the best of you and prevent you from experiencing one of the greatest joys in the world.
Instead of letting fear get you, start thinking of all the wonderful things you will experience. Most important, remember that someone chose YOU to be a parent. That is quite the honor and privilege. You should be feeling special and important. You should be reading up on parenting and also preparing to be goofy and be silly with your little one.
Will it be hard? yes, but you got this! You got vetted and people you know thought you would be great parents. So, if you do say No after having said YES, make sure that it has nothing to do with fear. Trust yourself and know that you will be a great parent - a great parent makes mistakes, but they learn from them and they keep going!
I hope this helped some of you because it does get asked and it does happen. I know that I felt like that with our failed adoption, which I will address in a future post.
If there is something you wish me to address, please let me know.
SM
So, you have been matched with a birthmom. You are excited and you just cannot believe that in a few weeks or months, you will have a baby or child in your house!
Then, something happens...you either start to learn more about the birthparent and it is making you anxious or friends or relatives have made comments about your match. Slowly your excitement begins to fade to the point that you are wondering if you did the right thing.
Is it okay to say NO, after you have said YES???
Well, no, it's not okay. It's actually very frowned upon to do such a thing, because this birthparent has already gone through so much and they took their time to choose you. Also, a bond between you and them may have already started and it can get very awkward and messy.
Now, am I saying that it hasn't been done? OF COURSE NOT!! It has been done and still keeps happening. But just because something has been done before, it does not mean that it's the right thing to do.
I have read of cases where the prospective adoptive parents got pregnant right after they matched and they went back on their word. I also heard of people only wanting one of the babies - in the case of twins, even preferring a gender. When I read these things, it makes me sad, because adoption is not a transaction. This is NOT Burker King - YOU CANNOT HAVE IT YOUR WAY!
But, I am sure that there are valid reasons for saying no after having said yes: one the spouses or partner died, a divorce process has begun, a change of job, sickness ..
Reasons that are not valid are: fear of becoming a parent, fear of attachment issues, fear of finances, fear of no longer having a life, fear of no more sleeping (okay, I totally get that one, but trust me - IT IS STILL WORTH IT), fear of people's reactions or comments...
And let me be honest, I do still fear comments and reactions depending on where I go with the kids, but that should never stop you from saying yes and committing until the end. You will hit bumps in the road, but you will also get a support group that will help you and provide you all the necessary resources that will help you with each challenge. Don't let fear get the best of you and prevent you from experiencing one of the greatest joys in the world.
Instead of letting fear get you, start thinking of all the wonderful things you will experience. Most important, remember that someone chose YOU to be a parent. That is quite the honor and privilege. You should be feeling special and important. You should be reading up on parenting and also preparing to be goofy and be silly with your little one.
Will it be hard? yes, but you got this! You got vetted and people you know thought you would be great parents. So, if you do say No after having said YES, make sure that it has nothing to do with fear. Trust yourself and know that you will be a great parent - a great parent makes mistakes, but they learn from them and they keep going!
I hope this helped some of you because it does get asked and it does happen. I know that I felt like that with our failed adoption, which I will address in a future post.
If there is something you wish me to address, please let me know.
SM
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