How we Survive our Failed Adoption Match
Hello everyone,
When you begin an adoption process, you never think that it won't work out. Yet, sometimes, the adoption match does not take fruition for a number of reasons. In the end, the birthparents are the ones that either sign or don't sign the birth consent. When it does get signed, it is a moment of great joy! When it doesn't, tremendous sadness and anger take place and it can stay that way for a while.
We had a failed adoption match earlier this year and it was a crushing blow. I will admit that I was not surprised that it happened, but had not expected that the birthmom would have acted that way.
Let me first be very clear that I was not angry because she decided to parent her own child. I was angry because her intentions were dishonest and misleading.
I knew something was off right at the start of it all. When we spoke to her for the first time, she had no questions for us. I found that odd because with our previous adoption, the birthmom had a number of questions and concerns and she wanted us to address them. This person was not interested in us. She was more interested in speaking about herself and her problems.
Then, texts became very short and sparse...until one night, very late into the night, she started to say she was not well, that she had an argument with her mom and that she had no money and started asking for money. She also said she had called an ambulance.
We heard nothing back from her that night and panic settled in. I called the lawyers and they confirmed that she was asking for money to them as well... We were advised to hold out on funds because thebithmom had not done her initial paperwork confirming that she was in need of living expenses.
Days later, the paperwork was filed and we agreed to have the funds partially distributed. We continued with texts, but it was mostly from our end.
Yet, she sent us a video of the baby moving and I was touched that she had sent such a personal message. But, that was the last time she texted anything so touching.
Near the due date, we began to receive emails with the texts from the birthmom to them. She was no longer contacting us. She did, however, texts us a week before the due date that she would provide us details of the directions to the hospital and asked us to buy everything for the "child" - that is how she referred to the baby - because she had bought nothing.
Previously, when we texted her, she would text back quickly. A week before the due date, she didn't reply to a text from us. We waited and waited but no answer. We asked the lawyers if they had heard from her...still nothing.
As the due date came closer, we still had no word. I started Facebook stalking and was unable to find her profile. That put me in such a state of panic and fear. I can honestly say that I thought that I had to go to the hospital because I was fearing the worst.
The worst came on the following Thursday. I was now able to see her Facebook profile. I initially was so excited that I could finally see activity that I completely neglected to pay attention to a very important detail. Later in the afternoon, I went back on her profile and I saw it: she declared that she mom to A and B - the names, clearly were other, but I am not going to share them - and then, I screamed for my husband to come into my office and he saw what I saw.
We called the lawyers and they were as shocked as we were... They called the hospital and for some unknown reason to us, and clearly, it no longer matters, they were never called when she went into labor. She had already given birth and was at home.
I had felt like I was miscarrying all over again. I felt such anger, pure rage and was so embarrassed because we had already told so many that this little girl was coming. My mother was with us already because I needed help when we were going to bring this new baby home and she shared in our grief, while telling us that maybe this was for the best.
The next few days were very dark and painful and I was unable to talk about it with anyone until a few days later. Everyone had assumed she had decided to parent, but we knew that was not the truth. The reality is that this person had no intention of ever letting us parent. She had hidden things on her Facebook page that I was only able to see after. She had announced the pregnancy and seemed so happy to have another child. She just wanted money and she did get some... she stole from us, not just money, but our hopes as well.
Saint Thomas Aquinas says that you need to do four things when you are grieving: 1) cry, 2) take a warm bath, 3) get some rest and 4) drink a glass of wine. And so, we both did that. And after we both did that, we started to grieve and move on. I also wrote in my diary a letter to this person. It was filled with so much anger and rage, but I just needed to let this anger out and putting it down on paper was very therapeutic for me. I spoke about to my therapist and just had to trust that we may have dodged a bullet there...
And we did... a month and a half later, we adopted a beautiful baby boy and that joy all came back.
But, that was not the end of this failed match. Two weeks after adoption our son, we got a call that this person wanted to know if she could still "give us the child" - her words. We were shocked!!! It had already been two months since she had ghosted us and now, she wanted to dump her baby on us.
We thought about it and prayed and spoke to our social worker. In the end, we just felt that it would not be good for our family at the time because we had just adopted a newborn and we already had our one year old. It would not have been fair.
Later, we heard that she had then picked another family from our area and did the same to them. This poor baby ended up with a family member, who according to our social worker, was the worst thing for this innocent little baby. It broke our hearts, but we felt at peace with our decision.
I will forever remember her birthday and will also think of it as the day we lost another child, or a potential child. I pray for her each day because I fear the conditions she was put into. May God bless her with much happiness and graces.
I guess the coming of our son did help to heal the crushing blow we received. We also started hearing about a lot of couples who had experienced failed matches and we became less alone in our sadness.
We lived our grief together and that helped tremendously. Now, it is a fact that men and women live greed differently, but living it together is always better than going through it separately. We cried together and were angry together and then, we began to laugh again and have hope. And we least expected, we got the call for our son.
If or someone you know had gone through failed matches, I am sorry for you and know your pain. I hope that since then, you have received great joys, but if you are still waiting...don't despair. Do grieve and don't let anyone diminish your pain and sadness. Give yourself time to live out through the roller-coaster of emotions and then, laugh again and be open to joy again.
SM
When you begin an adoption process, you never think that it won't work out. Yet, sometimes, the adoption match does not take fruition for a number of reasons. In the end, the birthparents are the ones that either sign or don't sign the birth consent. When it does get signed, it is a moment of great joy! When it doesn't, tremendous sadness and anger take place and it can stay that way for a while.
We had a failed adoption match earlier this year and it was a crushing blow. I will admit that I was not surprised that it happened, but had not expected that the birthmom would have acted that way.
Let me first be very clear that I was not angry because she decided to parent her own child. I was angry because her intentions were dishonest and misleading.
I knew something was off right at the start of it all. When we spoke to her for the first time, she had no questions for us. I found that odd because with our previous adoption, the birthmom had a number of questions and concerns and she wanted us to address them. This person was not interested in us. She was more interested in speaking about herself and her problems.
Then, texts became very short and sparse...until one night, very late into the night, she started to say she was not well, that she had an argument with her mom and that she had no money and started asking for money. She also said she had called an ambulance.
We heard nothing back from her that night and panic settled in. I called the lawyers and they confirmed that she was asking for money to them as well... We were advised to hold out on funds because thebithmom had not done her initial paperwork confirming that she was in need of living expenses.
Days later, the paperwork was filed and we agreed to have the funds partially distributed. We continued with texts, but it was mostly from our end.
Yet, she sent us a video of the baby moving and I was touched that she had sent such a personal message. But, that was the last time she texted anything so touching.
Near the due date, we began to receive emails with the texts from the birthmom to them. She was no longer contacting us. She did, however, texts us a week before the due date that she would provide us details of the directions to the hospital and asked us to buy everything for the "child" - that is how she referred to the baby - because she had bought nothing.
Previously, when we texted her, she would text back quickly. A week before the due date, she didn't reply to a text from us. We waited and waited but no answer. We asked the lawyers if they had heard from her...still nothing.
As the due date came closer, we still had no word. I started Facebook stalking and was unable to find her profile. That put me in such a state of panic and fear. I can honestly say that I thought that I had to go to the hospital because I was fearing the worst.
The worst came on the following Thursday. I was now able to see her Facebook profile. I initially was so excited that I could finally see activity that I completely neglected to pay attention to a very important detail. Later in the afternoon, I went back on her profile and I saw it: she declared that she mom to A and B - the names, clearly were other, but I am not going to share them - and then, I screamed for my husband to come into my office and he saw what I saw.
We called the lawyers and they were as shocked as we were... They called the hospital and for some unknown reason to us, and clearly, it no longer matters, they were never called when she went into labor. She had already given birth and was at home.
I had felt like I was miscarrying all over again. I felt such anger, pure rage and was so embarrassed because we had already told so many that this little girl was coming. My mother was with us already because I needed help when we were going to bring this new baby home and she shared in our grief, while telling us that maybe this was for the best.
The next few days were very dark and painful and I was unable to talk about it with anyone until a few days later. Everyone had assumed she had decided to parent, but we knew that was not the truth. The reality is that this person had no intention of ever letting us parent. She had hidden things on her Facebook page that I was only able to see after. She had announced the pregnancy and seemed so happy to have another child. She just wanted money and she did get some... she stole from us, not just money, but our hopes as well.
Saint Thomas Aquinas says that you need to do four things when you are grieving: 1) cry, 2) take a warm bath, 3) get some rest and 4) drink a glass of wine. And so, we both did that. And after we both did that, we started to grieve and move on. I also wrote in my diary a letter to this person. It was filled with so much anger and rage, but I just needed to let this anger out and putting it down on paper was very therapeutic for me. I spoke about to my therapist and just had to trust that we may have dodged a bullet there...
And we did... a month and a half later, we adopted a beautiful baby boy and that joy all came back.
But, that was not the end of this failed match. Two weeks after adoption our son, we got a call that this person wanted to know if she could still "give us the child" - her words. We were shocked!!! It had already been two months since she had ghosted us and now, she wanted to dump her baby on us.
We thought about it and prayed and spoke to our social worker. In the end, we just felt that it would not be good for our family at the time because we had just adopted a newborn and we already had our one year old. It would not have been fair.
Later, we heard that she had then picked another family from our area and did the same to them. This poor baby ended up with a family member, who according to our social worker, was the worst thing for this innocent little baby. It broke our hearts, but we felt at peace with our decision.
I will forever remember her birthday and will also think of it as the day we lost another child, or a potential child. I pray for her each day because I fear the conditions she was put into. May God bless her with much happiness and graces.
I guess the coming of our son did help to heal the crushing blow we received. We also started hearing about a lot of couples who had experienced failed matches and we became less alone in our sadness.
We lived our grief together and that helped tremendously. Now, it is a fact that men and women live greed differently, but living it together is always better than going through it separately. We cried together and were angry together and then, we began to laugh again and have hope. And we least expected, we got the call for our son.
If or someone you know had gone through failed matches, I am sorry for you and know your pain. I hope that since then, you have received great joys, but if you are still waiting...don't despair. Do grieve and don't let anyone diminish your pain and sadness. Give yourself time to live out through the roller-coaster of emotions and then, laugh again and be open to joy again.
SM
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