Q & A – Common Questions People Have About Adopting

Hello everyone,

 

I hope this post finds you healthy and blessed.

 

I decided to do something a little different for today’s post. I picked out ten questions, from various websites, that people often ask about adoption and will be answering them from my perspective and experience. I will link the articles that I took the questions from below so you can check them out.

 

Here we go!

 

1)    Why did we choose adoption?

 

We chose adoption because we wanted to be parents. I always wanted to be a mom and he always wanted to be dad. Since we were not able to conceive naturally, we knew that adoption was right for us.

 

2)    When do you plan on telling your children they are adopted?

 

To be honest, they already know. Now, do they fully understand, being that they are three, almost two and one? Probably not! Still, I started telling them they were adopted from the moment they were brought home. Whether it was during a walk or just playing around the house, I have told them they are adopted and have a birthmom and an adoptive mom.

 

Doing so allows us to become comfortable in speaking with them about their adoption. I also have started writing a letter to each of them about how they came into our lives. They each have a box with letters, medical records, cards and anything related to their adoption, including a baby book – which is a future project of mine.

 

3)    Why did you choose to have a closed adoption?

 

It was clear, for us, that we were not comfortable with an open adoption. For those who do not know what that means, an open adoption is one where there is physical contact with the birthparents. The frequency of visits is determined between the birthparents and adoptive parents.

 

In our case, we chose to proceed with closed adoptions. It was a question of comfort for us and we always disclosed it to the birthparents before they made their final decision about choosing us. We communicate and provide updates to them via a web portal. As our children grow, we will ask them if they want to write something or draw something for them. It has also been very clear that should our children wish to meet with their birthparents, we will encourage it and help them throughout the process.

 

4)    How did we find the birthmoms of our kids?

 

In our case, our lawyers were the ones that found them for us. From what I know, our lawyers would meet with expectant mothers and only show our profile if it was a one that would interest the birthmom.

 

5)    Did we have any control over the birthmoms?

 

Yeah, there is no such thing as controlling a birthmom. She is not a thing, she is a person and she does not need anyone to control her. I guess what people refer to as “control” may be more related to knowing what her daily activities are or what she is eating or drinking or anything that she could be doing that may impact the baby. The answer is simple: You do not have control over the birthmom, nor should you!

 

You may not agree with her lifestyle, but it is her lifestyle. All she needs from you, as a prospective adoptive parent, is to know that you are being truthful to them, that you will love and nurture their child, should they proceed with the adoption plan and that you give her the space she needs. I am not one who enjoys being controlled. Therefore, I would never control a birthmom.

 

6)    Did the birthmom change her mind? If so, how did we react?

 

We do have three children, so, it is fair to assume that the birthmoms did not change their mind. Also, there is no such thing as a birthmom coming back to get her child once the adoption is final. That is a myth. Stop spreading that lie!

 

However, it does happen that a birthmom no longer wishes to go through with the adoption plan she made. That is normal and is really their decision to make. As painful as it is - we know from experience - it is a decision you must respect.

 

Without going into much detail, when it happened to us, it felt like a miscarriage. We went through a number of emotions: anger, sadness, betrayal and then, acceptance. In the end, it was not our baby, it was hers and she had every right to change her mind. Within a few weeks, we ended-up adopting another baby but that little girl will never be forgotten.

 

7)    What are our hopes and dream for our children?

 

We hope they always feel loved. We hope they also know how much their birthmoms loved them. They may not be able to understand why adoption plans were made, but we hope they will see how beautiful that plan turned out to be. Not only did their birthmoms choose life for them, they also made the most loving and brave act by making adoption plans and choosing, carefully, whom they wanted to see raise their children.

 

We also hope they learn how beautiful adoption is and how we have become better because they came into our lives.

 

8)    How much do we know about raising an adopted child?

We knew nothing – but had started reading books and attended some workshops. I am also subscribed to an online magazine to help navigate through some challenging situations.

 

In the end, we are still learning. As long as we are open to asking for help, educating ourselves and accepting that we may not have all the answers – everything will be just fine. Parenting is hard – whether or not you adopt.

 

9)    When were we ready to adopt?

 

We knew we were ready before I had surgery. We did give ourselves time to conceive naturally. After six months, with no pregnancy, we were ready to move on. We still needed to wait for the Green Cards – they arrived at the end of the summer of that year.  Within a few weeks, the paperwork had been started and before the end of the year, we had been matched to a birthmom.

 

 

10) Would we recommend adoption to anyone?

 

I would recommend adoption 100%. Yes, it has many ups and downs – you will go through a roller-coaster of emotions. You may face challenges you never thought possible. Yet, if you want to be a parent and your fertility is challenging or you simply want to grow your family, adoption is a wonderful option to consider.

 

I hope these questions gave you an opportunity to learn a little more about my experience. If there are other questions you wish for me to answer, please leave a comment and I will gladly answer them.

 

Until my next post, be still in waiting.

 

SM

 

Links:

https://adoption.org/common-questions-people-adoption

https://www.americaadopts.com/questions-expectant-parents-should-ask-adoptive-parents/

https://consideringadoption.com/adopting/adoption-101/top-5-questions-families-have-about-adoption/