Did I Have Any Fears About Adopting?

Hello everyone,

 

I hope this post finds you healthy and blessed.

 

When adoption became real - when we knew it would be the only way to grow our family - I would be lying if I said I had fears about it. I honestly did not. Sure, there were concerns and apprehensions, those were a normal part of the adventure. Yet, there were no fears. This is today's topic!

 

Before I start, I want to make it clear that this is my story. While I did not experience any fears about the process, it does not mean that someone else will feel the same.

 

For me, fear occurs when I am not comfortable and feel an imminent danger with whatever situation or person around me. It paralyzes me and renders me unable to go along with normal activities. If I base fear on my own definition of it, then, I can honestly share I had no fears when it came to adoption.

 

What I did experience, as I mentioned earlier, were normal concerns. For example: what if we don’t get matched right away? what if the birthmom decides to parent the baby? what if we are not “attractive” as prospective adoptive parents? what if the baby does not like me? These were genuine concerns, which all prospective adoptive parents go through. Most of these drifted away as the process continued.

 

For some, I know and can understand the discomfort around the issue of “attachment”. This is a genuine thing that we all go through as we begin an adoption process. Once we learn more about, we quickly realize that attachment is something to just get past and things do come together, in the end. I have friends who adopted and were faced with severe attachment issues – still leaving scars years after the adoption was finalized. It is very challenging, for anyone involved, and I extend all my compassion and prayers to anyone reading this post and are going through this particular situation.

 

Adoption can seem scary. There is all this uncertainty and as much as there is joy, there is also disappointment and hurt. Yet, when one chooses the adoption route, they know – I hope they do – that they are in for a bumpy ride. As long as you have your spouse to help you, a good support group and the conviction this is what you really ever wanted, you will get through it. I have come to hear so many stories about adoptive parents who had to go through five failed matches to finally become parents. To many, it would seem crazy to put yourself through so much anticipation and then loss…but for them, it was the only way to become parents and they never let go of the dream.

 

I am also a firm believer that when it feels right, there is no place for fear. When I had my surgery for my endometriosis, I was not afraid. While my husband, who is a surgeon, thought of all the worst-case scenarios, I was finally excited to see how my fertility journey would end. I never thought that I could die, that I could get an infection, that an instrument could be left inside me or that they could perform the wrong surgery on me. I felt at peace because I knew that I was ready and it felt right – and I was highly medicated.

 

When it came to starting the adoption process, it was all about getting things done. I was focused and then…we started having our children. It was amazing and still sounds so surreal…

 

Yes, I did think about how sad and heartbroken I would be if the birthmom would choose to parent. But that is a normal thought to have when adopting. And it may sound harsh to say, but it’s part of the journey. We also experienced a failed match and as painful as it was, it did not stop us from pursuing another adoption.

 

When we share our story, many questions arise: what if the birthmom comes to get the baby back? what if you don’t like the baby? what if the birthmom changes her mind months later? what if your family does not like the baby? what if the baby does not like your family?? I could go on, but I think you get where I am going…

 

Are these fears? Not for me and they should not be for you too. They are legitimate concerns and most definitely are things that need to be talked about and prayed about. Yet, when you want to be a parent and grow your family, you will be surprised at how strong you are when it comes to dealing with certain ups and downs. The longest hour was waiting for the lawyers to confirm that the birthmoms had signed the consent. It was an hour, but felt like an eternity. My fear was not so much about the adoption not going through, but how would I react and how I would cope with it.

 

Our second adoption failed. It hurt  so much and left us both feeling betrayed and gutted… I will never forget that moment when I called out to my husband to come into my office. I remember looking at the computer, at her social media account, and seeing she had not only given birth, but never bothered to let anyone know. My entire body started to shake as I violently started sobbing. It felt like another miscarriage. That day changed me forever. I never forgot about that baby and keep her in my prayers. Maybe that was all I was to be for her – a prayer warrior. After the shock passed, peace and hope started to settle in again. A few weeks later, we had our son. Rachel Hollis in her book “Girl, Wash Your Face” writes several times: “God’s has perfect timing.” And she is right. When it did not work out, it was because it was not our time. When it did, it was our time.

 

If you go on in life and never set out into anything new because of fear … you will miss out on so much. I would never have the life I have if I had not taken a chance and put my fears aside. I left my job, family and country to be with my husband that I knew for only a year and a half. I adopted three children within twenty-six months without batting an eye. Is it crazy? Maybe. Fear is the killer of joy and now, I have so much joy that I am glad that I did not give into fear.

 

Are you afraid of adopting? What is the underlying cause of that fear? If you are afraid, don’t be. Let fear dissipate and don’t give it power. If you want to parent and grow your family via adoption, go ahead and pursue that dream. You are not alone in your journey. I keep you in prayer.

 

Until my next post, be still in waiting.

 

SM