Why I Fail as a Mom ... and Accept it!

Hello everyone,

I pray and hope that when you read this post, you are keeping safe and healthy. I know that warmer weather is here and that restrictions have eased up - yet, we still need to keep safe by washing our hands and not touching our faces. Covid-19 is still rampant and if you or someone you know is currently or has been afflicted by it, I hope you are or have recovered. To all those who have lost someone during this pandemic, I am so sorry.

I don't sleep well because I am a Mom. As exhausted as I am, the minute my head hits the pillow, it starts. I begin to play out the day in my head and then, I am off to the land of "I am such a failure with my kids - I am the worst Mom!" And I am pretty sure that I am not the only that goes through this - not that it makes me feel better.

I feel like a failure when I am not patient, when I yelled at them, when I let them cry a bit because I wanted to sleep in, when I was a bit harsh with time out because I had enough... and when they cry, my heart breaks into a million pieces.

Like many, I think I am the only one that is going through this. When we feel like failures, we forget that others are going through the same thing. Yet, we just look inward and sit in our shame all by ourself. Doing so, is such a lonely place - one that I no longer wanted to stay in.

Rarely did I talk about my failings out of fear and being reprimanded by others. In my eyes, it felt like everyone else had it together and could do it all. I always felt like such a mess. One afternoon, I needed to get some groceries and decided that it would be a good idea to bring our daughter (one - at the time) and our son (not yet one). As I stood in the frozen food section, unable to find the ONLY frozen pasta that my daughter would eat, I felt a light tap on my shoulder. 

At first, I thought I was in the way - because my first reaction is always to think that I have done something wrong. Then, I noticed that it was a store employee. Looking confused, she smiled back at me and handed me a pamphlet. Then, she whispered to me: "You don't have to do this. We can deliver your groceries to your house. You don't have to do this. Please, let us deliver your groceries." I smiled back and thanked her and then I thought: "Yikes! Do I look that bad???" And the honest truth was that I did...

I tried so hard to make the kids look perfect that I didn't even bother to pay attention to me - the kids looked great, but I was a mess. I had no makeup on, was poorly dressed and really looked ragged. What message was I sending to my kids? What message was I sending to others?

Don't get me wrong... I am NOT saying that you need to look perfect each time you leave the house. What I am wanting to convey, however, is that just because you have children, it does not give you a pass at not taking care of yourself. And yes, I know - I can hear you - WHERE DOES ONE FIND THE TIME??? And, unfortunately, the crappy, yet honest answer, is that you have to find the time. I wake up earlier to have time to get ready - yes, I sacrifice sleep to be able to have five minutes to look put together. And you need to ask for help. YES!!! YES!!! I know, Moms should not have to ask for help and that is a big, fat LIE!!! 

Once we started having children, I went into full-time Mom mode. With our daughter, it was easy because she was pretty chilled out. But when we adopted our son - I was miserable. I never asked for help and was just a mess each day. I stopped showering and would stay in my pajamas all day. A few times, I had to beg my husband to come home earlier from work because I could no longer hear them crying. I was left so unhappy and looking old - my father kept telling my Mom that I looked old. It reminded me of that scene in "My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding". 

I was failing so badly and ...it was my own fault. It often is our own fault when we fail. In my case, I was failing because I was unable to do one simple thing: ASK FOR HELP!!! In our case, our families are in another country, so we can't get it from them. So, I spoke with my husband - he was just so sad knowing that I was miserable. We then got a Mother's Helper for a summer - that was a big help. And then, we went ahead and hired a nanny. I was so resistant, but knew that I could not take care of the kids, run the household, pursue my Masters and keep volunteering and writing. And I know that many will judge me for wanting to do all these things when my kids should be my priority.

But the thing is that I did make my kids a priority by asking for help. I was getting too tired and would take the easy way out with them - with Netflix and YouTube - instead of giving them ME. I was failing them and they deserve better. That I fail, I can take it - but to fail my children, no, I am not going to do that.

Slowly, I took a long look at myself and said: You are a failure and it's okay! Yup! I am a failure and it's okay. I accept my failure as a Mom because each day, I get up and think: what did I learn from yesterday that I will not do today? My past mistakes and failings are encouraging me to do better because I am okay with failing. One of my favorite saints, St. Padre Pio, says that "If you should fail, be humble, make a resolution to be submissive to God's will and then get up and carry on." That is what I choose to do now. As difficult as things get, I must accept my failings, learn from them, ask for God's grace and move on.

Am I able to do it always? NOPE... I would be lying if I said otherwise. But, I am learning and trying each day to get better at it. And it is always comforting to know that we are growing in our journeys instead of staying stagnant.

Are you a Mom who feels like a failure? Good - that means you care about your children! Are you able to forgive your failings and carry on? I hope you are. I know it's hard - I still struggle. But remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN FEELING THIS WAY!!! Talk to someone about how you feel, get support and help - even if it's a few hours a week - it will make such a difference. It does not mean that you love your kids less. It actually means that you love them so much that you are taking care of you so you can give them the best of you.

Please share your experience and let's build our community. Together, it's always better. You are not alone!

Until my next post, please keep safe and healthy. Let's stop the spread of Covid-19, but let's never stop the spread of kindness!

SM