Attachment - should I be scared of not attaching to my baby and\or vice-versa?
Hello everyone,
When we first started telling people that we were adopting, many asked about the whole "attachment" issue. What if I don't attach to the baby? What if I don't love him\her? What if they don't attach me?
And this is a genuine fear or concern, but it should be addressed because there really is nothing to fear or be concerned about. However, since I am not an expert in this, I am going to speak about my own experience only. If you wish to know more about this, I recommend that you read up on it on your local adoption agency.
I remember having a conversation with someone who had adopted and they, unfortunately, ended-up having attachment issues with their child. It was still present, although their child is now in their teenage years. When this person speaks to me about this adoption, it is clear that there is some trauma regarding attachment because she keeps asking how I am doing with both of our adopted children...and I always feel so blessed that we don't have any issues, so far, and should we have some, we know that we will get the support we need to help us all get through it.
One thing that I need to insist on is that when you are told you need to go to seminars to help you to adopt...GO TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM! They will be very helpful and you will get so much out of it! I am bringing this up because it is where we learned about attachment and how it really should not be a concern for us.
The one thing that I took away is that attachment is something that comes not only from delivering. We get attached to our siblings, family relatives, friends, co-workers...so why would we not get attached to these kids that we would be adopting? Exactly! Because attachment comes with time and love.
Was I attached instantly to our kids? No, but I learned to love them more and more each day until one day, I looked at them, with tears in my eyes and said: Wow! I love you so much that I would die for you! With our daughter, it was faster, because she was our first and we had a couple months notice before we adopted her. For our son, it took about 4 months because he was a total surprise and it was really tough on our daughter. I felt awful for feeling that way towards him, but as the days went by, my love for him grew and grew.
I also did read up on it, beforehand, to be able to understand what it meant and how I could deal with it. That helped a lot to relieve any concerns that I had.
An interesting I learned was also that mothers who had delivered their own children, also had attachment issues and I wondered how that could be. However, it makes sense because although they are carrying their child, it is still a stranger to them because they don't see them or are able to touch them...and so, it made me feel better to know that attachment is something that occurs to any parent, regardless of how their family was created.
We may experience attachment issues as they grow older, especially in the teenage years, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. Meanwhile, we are talking to them about adoption - even if they are still infants - so that it becomes a constant conversation. We want them to know where they came from and not hide anything - this will be another post.
If you are experiencing attachment issues, please do share.
God bless,
SM
When we first started telling people that we were adopting, many asked about the whole "attachment" issue. What if I don't attach to the baby? What if I don't love him\her? What if they don't attach me?
And this is a genuine fear or concern, but it should be addressed because there really is nothing to fear or be concerned about. However, since I am not an expert in this, I am going to speak about my own experience only. If you wish to know more about this, I recommend that you read up on it on your local adoption agency.
I remember having a conversation with someone who had adopted and they, unfortunately, ended-up having attachment issues with their child. It was still present, although their child is now in their teenage years. When this person speaks to me about this adoption, it is clear that there is some trauma regarding attachment because she keeps asking how I am doing with both of our adopted children...and I always feel so blessed that we don't have any issues, so far, and should we have some, we know that we will get the support we need to help us all get through it.
One thing that I need to insist on is that when you are told you need to go to seminars to help you to adopt...GO TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM! They will be very helpful and you will get so much out of it! I am bringing this up because it is where we learned about attachment and how it really should not be a concern for us.
The one thing that I took away is that attachment is something that comes not only from delivering. We get attached to our siblings, family relatives, friends, co-workers...so why would we not get attached to these kids that we would be adopting? Exactly! Because attachment comes with time and love.
Was I attached instantly to our kids? No, but I learned to love them more and more each day until one day, I looked at them, with tears in my eyes and said: Wow! I love you so much that I would die for you! With our daughter, it was faster, because she was our first and we had a couple months notice before we adopted her. For our son, it took about 4 months because he was a total surprise and it was really tough on our daughter. I felt awful for feeling that way towards him, but as the days went by, my love for him grew and grew.
I also did read up on it, beforehand, to be able to understand what it meant and how I could deal with it. That helped a lot to relieve any concerns that I had.
An interesting I learned was also that mothers who had delivered their own children, also had attachment issues and I wondered how that could be. However, it makes sense because although they are carrying their child, it is still a stranger to them because they don't see them or are able to touch them...and so, it made me feel better to know that attachment is something that occurs to any parent, regardless of how their family was created.
We may experience attachment issues as they grow older, especially in the teenage years, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. Meanwhile, we are talking to them about adoption - even if they are still infants - so that it becomes a constant conversation. We want them to know where they came from and not hide anything - this will be another post.
If you are experiencing attachment issues, please do share.
God bless,
SM
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