Losing hope and how I had to deal with it
Hello everyone,
Just a quick post about how I had to deal with losing hope that I would never conceive naturally.
To say that it was hard, would be an understatement because it was actually VERY HARD. It took a lot out of me and it had to be dealt with by sinking into a very dark place so that I could finally see the light!
It first took admitting it to myself. It took me looking into the mirror and looking at myself and saying: this is not going to happen, YOU will not know what it is like to carry a child, YOU will never have a positive pregnancy test, YOU will never tell your husband that you are pregnant, YOU will never conceive naturally. That's probably the hardest thing for anyone who is facing a very challenging time..to admit to themselves that what they had hoped for since a child is just not going to happen.
Then, it takes acceptance. It takes courage to accept that we are broken in a way that cannot be repaired. We need to accept that others will proudly obtain that one thing you desire so much, but will never have. I never thought I was strong until I could actually look at a pregnant woman and smile...smile that she looked so beautiful and full of life.
It also takes denial...because hey, I still had hope and I just was not fully ready to just say that it would never happen. I still took pregnancy tests when my cycles were over thirty-one days...and I imagined that I had all these early pregnancy symptoms: nausea, peeing more...but nope, the test was always negative and with it there were tears...so many tears.
Only with my surgery was I finally able to close that chapter so that I could move on the next one, which was adoption. My surgery was the final scene to my "infertility play" because it uncovered a great deal of damage that even if it was all removed - I had Stage IV Endometriosis - the outlook was a bit grim, but I was finally able to move on. It only took five years...five long years.
I was hopeful for the first few months after the surgery, but when it was not happening, I quickly picked myself off and threw out every pregnancy test and ovulation strip that I had and said: FINE, I AM READY FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!
It was so liberating to finally be free of such darkness and uncertainty.
Looking back, I wish that I had faced my infertility with a bit more positivity. I was so quick to turn to anger and food and alcohol. I remember drinking so much to the point of passing out because I just wanted to numb everything out...and it was worse when there was a family pregnancy announcement...
It was when I let go of my hope that I became free of new beginnings and new opportunities. It was a release from five years of utter ugliness and disdain of my reproductive organs.
I no longer feel broken, but repaired back to health because I no longer have so much inflammation and pain. I am healthy and able to run after my kids and play with them and embrace each moment of that beautiful and blessed chaos.
If you are currently in pain and have lost hope, I am praying for you and letting you know that it will get better...but it always needs to get worse before it gets better.
Please share any time you have lost hope and then found it back again.
SM
Just a quick post about how I had to deal with losing hope that I would never conceive naturally.
To say that it was hard, would be an understatement because it was actually VERY HARD. It took a lot out of me and it had to be dealt with by sinking into a very dark place so that I could finally see the light!
It first took admitting it to myself. It took me looking into the mirror and looking at myself and saying: this is not going to happen, YOU will not know what it is like to carry a child, YOU will never have a positive pregnancy test, YOU will never tell your husband that you are pregnant, YOU will never conceive naturally. That's probably the hardest thing for anyone who is facing a very challenging time..to admit to themselves that what they had hoped for since a child is just not going to happen.
Then, it takes acceptance. It takes courage to accept that we are broken in a way that cannot be repaired. We need to accept that others will proudly obtain that one thing you desire so much, but will never have. I never thought I was strong until I could actually look at a pregnant woman and smile...smile that she looked so beautiful and full of life.
It also takes denial...because hey, I still had hope and I just was not fully ready to just say that it would never happen. I still took pregnancy tests when my cycles were over thirty-one days...and I imagined that I had all these early pregnancy symptoms: nausea, peeing more...but nope, the test was always negative and with it there were tears...so many tears.
Only with my surgery was I finally able to close that chapter so that I could move on the next one, which was adoption. My surgery was the final scene to my "infertility play" because it uncovered a great deal of damage that even if it was all removed - I had Stage IV Endometriosis - the outlook was a bit grim, but I was finally able to move on. It only took five years...five long years.
I was hopeful for the first few months after the surgery, but when it was not happening, I quickly picked myself off and threw out every pregnancy test and ovulation strip that I had and said: FINE, I AM READY FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!
It was so liberating to finally be free of such darkness and uncertainty.
Looking back, I wish that I had faced my infertility with a bit more positivity. I was so quick to turn to anger and food and alcohol. I remember drinking so much to the point of passing out because I just wanted to numb everything out...and it was worse when there was a family pregnancy announcement...
It was when I let go of my hope that I became free of new beginnings and new opportunities. It was a release from five years of utter ugliness and disdain of my reproductive organs.
I no longer feel broken, but repaired back to health because I no longer have so much inflammation and pain. I am healthy and able to run after my kids and play with them and embrace each moment of that beautiful and blessed chaos.
If you are currently in pain and have lost hope, I am praying for you and letting you know that it will get better...but it always needs to get worse before it gets better.
Please share any time you have lost hope and then found it back again.
SM
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