Attachment and adoption - my experience

Hello everyone,

I hope you are having a good day and are keeping safe and healthy. 

When we started telling people that we were adopting, the one thing that came up was about attachment. Would we be able to attach to a baby that was not biologically linked to us? What if we could not love them or them love us? What about attachment and bonding? 

At first, I was not bothered by it, but as the questions kept coming regarding the same matter... I started to wonder about it. Then, when we started to attend the mandatory classes when you adopt, all my doubts, fears and apprehensions went away. The way it was presented to us was that attachment comes with time. Just like we got attached to our spouses as we got to spend time with them and our love grew for them, the same applied to when you adopt. They also assured us that the moment we held that baby in our arms - it would be instant love!!

After that class, I was no longer afraid of creating a bond with our baby. In fact, it never bothered me again and when asked, I just told them what I had been told at that class. When we held our daughter, a few weeks later, it was instant love and the attachment was there. To be honest, I bonded with her when I saw the picture sent from our lawyers - I loved her from that moment. And our bond has grown even more as I keep watching her grow and learn and discover. It was the same with our sons. There was never a time when I did not feel love for them. And I know they are attached to us - each time they are scared, happy or hurt - they run to me, their mom.

But, I do know that many others who have adopted, have not had the same luck. I can't really say what may have caused it, maybe they adopted an older child, maybe the child had many health issues, maybe they had not worked out their own issues...whatever the reason, attachment can be an issue when you adopt. So, if you know someone that is going through these issues, be kind and compassionate with them, because it must be so hard.

I just feel very blessed that I have not had any major issues when it comes to attachment. Yet, I cannot cry out victory because my children are still very young. I have no clue what may take place as they grow older and start to ask questions or wonder about their adoption story. In addition, when those teenage years come in with all those hormones - yikes...yeah, I can already foretell some scenarios... What I do know, however, is that when it will happen, I will have already told them most of their story. 

Even now, as babies, I tell them about their adoption story. They may not be able to understand me, but this way, I can already practice what to say when they will be able to comprehend. I am slowly preparing myself by anticipating all the questions they will be asking... and I know that they will not like what they hear, at times ... but we, as parents, will be there for them. And that is what attachment and bonding are. When things get rough, you don't shut them out, you stand with them in their joy, but even more in their pain.

There is one thing I need to mention that came as a total surprise to me. As I was speaking to someone about attachment, she confessed that it took her a while to bond with her daughter... You might be thinking: What makes this so surprising to you? Well, the thing is that she had given birth to her daughter!!! Yes, there is also an attachment and bonding issue when you have biological children!!! I was shocked!!! Okay, that is enough with all the exclamations... But it did teach me that adopted or biological, we all can face that hurdle where we cannot connect with our children...and that's okay because with time, it develops and grows stronger.

So, if you or someone you know is considering adoption and attachment is holding you back - DON'T LET IT HOLD YOU BACK! You will love them. You will bond with them. You just need to give it time and give them time as well. Remember, when we hold those babies in our arms, they are strangers to us as we are strangers to them. If you feel called to adoption, don't let this get in your way - trust me and all those that have adopted before you.

Have you experienced attachment or bonding issues? Have they been resolved? Are you still struggling? Are you getting any support from friends, family or a professional? Please share your story and let's build our community.

Until my next post, enjoy the weekend and keep safe. Remember to do your part and stop the spread of Covid-19.

SM