Why people choose NOT to adopt
Hello everyone,
I hope and pray that when you read this post, you are all healthy and safe from this virus that is sweeping across the world. If you or a loved one is affected by this virus, know you are prayed for and I pray that you or your loved one gets better and soon.
When you are infertile, you think you are the only one that is. Then, you start to tell others and you quickly realize that you are not alone. You find comfort in it, but also sadness because infertility affects more people than we think.
For those of us, like ourselves, who know that conceiving is no longer a possibility, adoption appears to the next step - but not for all. Before we adopted, I could not understand why infertile people would not be open to adoption right away. Now, that I have adopted - three times, I have a different way of looking at adoption and can understand why it is not for everyone.
The first one that comes to mind is money. Yes, it does cost money to adopt. No, you are not paying for a baby, but for all the lawyer fees, the hospital bills, the court fees, the home study and all the legal paperwork that is required. Although we are blessed and have been able to adopt more than once, these fees can be very overwhelming for many. It's a big imposition on their finances and they need to plan for it for a few years.
The second one is not being comfortable having a child that will not look like you. When you look at our children, it is very clear that they do not look like me. Even our middle child, who is Caucasian, does not look anything like me. To me, it makes no difference because they are my children and I have loved them from the moment that I laid eyes on them. But for some, the pain of infertility is too strong and then your children will not look like you - it's not something for all. Although I can't fully understand it, I can see how some would not be at ease with it.
The third one is that when you start and adoption process, they will look into who you are, as a person, an employee and all about you in your past - as far as your childhood. There is no way that you can hide anything because they can find out everything. You will have to divulge your finances, criminal backgrounds, clinical issues, mental health issues and for some, this can prove to be too much. For those that have fully dealt with those things from the past, they will definitely not want to share them with strangers.
The fourth reason would have to be that not both in the relationship are on board with adopting - or they are doing it because the other partner wants to adopt. This is a recipe fo disaster. If both are not on board, the adoption process, already filled with complications, will be far messier. It can break a relationship. That is why it is so important and necessary that both wish to adopt, not for the other, but for themselves.
The fifth reason would have to be the anticipated reactions of their respective families. For example, you may know that should you adopt a child that is not white, that they won't be accepted into your family. Another example is knowing that your children would never be fully accepted as true members of the family. This is not a bad reason not to adopt, but then again, we adopted children who are not white and although comments were made - some very rude - we already knew that we were ready to not have those family members be part of our children's lives. So, this is a tricky one but it should not fully deter one from adopting.
There are more reasons but these are the top five that I could see as being the main reasons why people would not choose adoption.
In the end, adoption is a very personal and difficult choice. There are so many layers to the process, some that can take quite a toll on someone. Yet, for us, it was the only we knew that we could grow our family - and it is the same for many.
We do know some that have not chosen adoption and we feel sadness for them, because they are still childless and feel so alone in their infertility. We pray for them to attain peace and freedom from whatever is holding them back.
If you are someone who chose not to adopt, please share so that we can build our community.
Remember to stay home, unless you are an essential worker. Try, as much as possible to order food online. Be kind to those around you. Wash your hands and DO NOT touch your face. If you are not feeling well, stay home and don't spread Covid-19. Be safe and keep healthy.
SM
I hope and pray that when you read this post, you are all healthy and safe from this virus that is sweeping across the world. If you or a loved one is affected by this virus, know you are prayed for and I pray that you or your loved one gets better and soon.
When you are infertile, you think you are the only one that is. Then, you start to tell others and you quickly realize that you are not alone. You find comfort in it, but also sadness because infertility affects more people than we think.
For those of us, like ourselves, who know that conceiving is no longer a possibility, adoption appears to the next step - but not for all. Before we adopted, I could not understand why infertile people would not be open to adoption right away. Now, that I have adopted - three times, I have a different way of looking at adoption and can understand why it is not for everyone.
The first one that comes to mind is money. Yes, it does cost money to adopt. No, you are not paying for a baby, but for all the lawyer fees, the hospital bills, the court fees, the home study and all the legal paperwork that is required. Although we are blessed and have been able to adopt more than once, these fees can be very overwhelming for many. It's a big imposition on their finances and they need to plan for it for a few years.
The second one is not being comfortable having a child that will not look like you. When you look at our children, it is very clear that they do not look like me. Even our middle child, who is Caucasian, does not look anything like me. To me, it makes no difference because they are my children and I have loved them from the moment that I laid eyes on them. But for some, the pain of infertility is too strong and then your children will not look like you - it's not something for all. Although I can't fully understand it, I can see how some would not be at ease with it.
The third one is that when you start and adoption process, they will look into who you are, as a person, an employee and all about you in your past - as far as your childhood. There is no way that you can hide anything because they can find out everything. You will have to divulge your finances, criminal backgrounds, clinical issues, mental health issues and for some, this can prove to be too much. For those that have fully dealt with those things from the past, they will definitely not want to share them with strangers.
The fourth reason would have to be that not both in the relationship are on board with adopting - or they are doing it because the other partner wants to adopt. This is a recipe fo disaster. If both are not on board, the adoption process, already filled with complications, will be far messier. It can break a relationship. That is why it is so important and necessary that both wish to adopt, not for the other, but for themselves.
The fifth reason would have to be the anticipated reactions of their respective families. For example, you may know that should you adopt a child that is not white, that they won't be accepted into your family. Another example is knowing that your children would never be fully accepted as true members of the family. This is not a bad reason not to adopt, but then again, we adopted children who are not white and although comments were made - some very rude - we already knew that we were ready to not have those family members be part of our children's lives. So, this is a tricky one but it should not fully deter one from adopting.
There are more reasons but these are the top five that I could see as being the main reasons why people would not choose adoption.
In the end, adoption is a very personal and difficult choice. There are so many layers to the process, some that can take quite a toll on someone. Yet, for us, it was the only we knew that we could grow our family - and it is the same for many.
We do know some that have not chosen adoption and we feel sadness for them, because they are still childless and feel so alone in their infertility. We pray for them to attain peace and freedom from whatever is holding them back.
If you are someone who chose not to adopt, please share so that we can build our community.
Remember to stay home, unless you are an essential worker. Try, as much as possible to order food online. Be kind to those around you. Wash your hands and DO NOT touch your face. If you are not feeling well, stay home and don't spread Covid-19. Be safe and keep healthy.
SM
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