Our failed adoption - the pain and healing
Hello everyone,
If you have adopted or are currently in the process of adopting, you have either experienced a failed adoption (sometimes more than one) or are afraid to experience one.
We had been very lucky with our first adoption and thought our second one would be as breezy...but we were in for a surprise.
It started fairly quickly after we had already started the paperwork...actually less time than with our first one. I remember receiving the text message and was shaking.
As we started to speak to the lawyer, for some reason, I started to have this sinking feeling. I cannot quite express it in words, but it was so powerful that after we hung up, I was not excited at all. My husband was and I felt bad that I wasn't...but I was honest about it. He told me to pray about it and go from there.
It took me forty-eight hours to agree and I will be honest - I was totally into it, but I saw how excited my husband was and I didn't want to pass up an opportunity because I was feeling pessimistic about it. I also thought it might be because I was scared of having a second child and that I may be too overwhelmed...but it was not that.
The sinking feeling got worse when we spoke to the birthmom. She seemed cold and not really interested in us. I mean, with our first adoption, we had so many questions from the birthmom and we were happy that she was eager to know more about us. And we know that every birthmom is different, but this one was just weird. We asked if she had any questions and she simply said: No, I know what I need to know. So, we hung up and our future communications were via text only.
Text messages were brief and rarely from her. And that was okay. Then, late at night, she texts us that she got into a bad fight with her mom who had left her alone. She had no money for rent and she was going to call an ambulance because she was not feeling well. She was demanding cash right away.
Right there and then, I wish I had put my foot down and said: Nope, we are NOT doing this. I knew inside me that something was off. I just knew. But my husband reminded me that she was in a different situation and she needed help. Do not worry, we did not give her any money. That is the last thing you should do, if you find yourself in the same situation. We told her to keep us updated and decided to call the lawyers the nest day.
When I called, they confirmed that the birthmom had also texted them that she wanted cash. We were told not to disburse any funds since the birthmom had not done her paperwork. And so we waited and we never received an update as to to whether or not she had called an ambulance - to be honest, I am convinced she lied about the whole thing.
When the birthmom had done the paperwork, we disbursed the funds.
A week before the due date, our last text from the birthmom was that she was going to provide us with all the directions to the hospital, that we bring everything because she had bought nothing for the "child" - she kept referring to the baby as the "child" always - and that she was looking forward to meeting us all.
Then, complete and utter silence set in and that is when I knew. I started to mourn even before it all happened because that sinking feeling never left me.
We kept texting and nothing...and then, I could no longer find her Facebook and I just knew. She came back the next day and only later in the day was I able to notice that she posted that she was now the mom to two girls. I screamed for my husband to come to my office and we both saw what we feared.
We immediately called the lawyers and they called the hospital. They were in shock since they never even received a call that she had gone in. In tears, we waited while the called. It was then confirmed that she had delivered the baby and was already home.
Devastated...embarrassed... angry...betrayed. That is what we both felt. I remember going downstairs and telling my mom. She had travelled to be with us to help us out when we brought home, what would have been our second daughter. It was awful to have to tell the family and friends. I was so embarrassed and felt like I was slapped in the face so hard.
It took me a while to get over the anger...it took me a very long time. But eventually, it got less and less until all I really felt was pity for her. She took our money and spit on us. I only hoped that she would be a good mom to that little girl...
Well, it did not end there. About two months later, we adopted our little boy, and we were slowly getting used to two babies under the age of two. We receive a text message from the lawyers to call them....
So, this birthmom now wanted to know if it was too late to ask us to take the child...YEAH....Is your jaw dropping? because ours did!! And so, we knew we were not interested but wanted to make sure. We spoke to my sister, our social worker and prayed about it.
My sister told us to go for it, although she was not aware of the whole situation. But she did make some good points. Our social worker was more in agreement with us not going forward, but she also told us that she would support and help us if we decided to go ahead and adopt this little girl.
In the end, we refused because we just knew that if she screwed us over once, she would do it again. And we are glad we did because we came to find out that she did the same thing to another family and ended-up giving the little girl to a family member - we were told this was a terrible decision for that little girl - we keep her in prayer. We pray that she be safe and growing well.
Now, I can say that I am fully healed but it was tough. I pray that it never happens to anyone else, but that is wishful thinking because it will. We heard of a couple who endured five failed adoptions before they adopted their little girl - one of the failed adoptions, she had cut the umbilical cord - and we are now blessed that things turned out the way they did.
I hope this woman learns from what she did and that she never do it again. I do go on her Facebook account and I am not even sure that she is taking care of her older daughter...but now, she is no longer my problem and I have stopped going on her account, because it only brought back bad memories and I need to move on and forgive her - which I have. I should actually pray for her more because I feel that she needs it more than I think.
If you have experienced a failed adoption, please feel free to share. You are not alone and you will get through this.
SM
If you have adopted or are currently in the process of adopting, you have either experienced a failed adoption (sometimes more than one) or are afraid to experience one.
We had been very lucky with our first adoption and thought our second one would be as breezy...but we were in for a surprise.
It started fairly quickly after we had already started the paperwork...actually less time than with our first one. I remember receiving the text message and was shaking.
As we started to speak to the lawyer, for some reason, I started to have this sinking feeling. I cannot quite express it in words, but it was so powerful that after we hung up, I was not excited at all. My husband was and I felt bad that I wasn't...but I was honest about it. He told me to pray about it and go from there.
It took me forty-eight hours to agree and I will be honest - I was totally into it, but I saw how excited my husband was and I didn't want to pass up an opportunity because I was feeling pessimistic about it. I also thought it might be because I was scared of having a second child and that I may be too overwhelmed...but it was not that.
The sinking feeling got worse when we spoke to the birthmom. She seemed cold and not really interested in us. I mean, with our first adoption, we had so many questions from the birthmom and we were happy that she was eager to know more about us. And we know that every birthmom is different, but this one was just weird. We asked if she had any questions and she simply said: No, I know what I need to know. So, we hung up and our future communications were via text only.
Text messages were brief and rarely from her. And that was okay. Then, late at night, she texts us that she got into a bad fight with her mom who had left her alone. She had no money for rent and she was going to call an ambulance because she was not feeling well. She was demanding cash right away.
Right there and then, I wish I had put my foot down and said: Nope, we are NOT doing this. I knew inside me that something was off. I just knew. But my husband reminded me that she was in a different situation and she needed help. Do not worry, we did not give her any money. That is the last thing you should do, if you find yourself in the same situation. We told her to keep us updated and decided to call the lawyers the nest day.
When I called, they confirmed that the birthmom had also texted them that she wanted cash. We were told not to disburse any funds since the birthmom had not done her paperwork. And so we waited and we never received an update as to to whether or not she had called an ambulance - to be honest, I am convinced she lied about the whole thing.
When the birthmom had done the paperwork, we disbursed the funds.
A week before the due date, our last text from the birthmom was that she was going to provide us with all the directions to the hospital, that we bring everything because she had bought nothing for the "child" - she kept referring to the baby as the "child" always - and that she was looking forward to meeting us all.
Then, complete and utter silence set in and that is when I knew. I started to mourn even before it all happened because that sinking feeling never left me.
We kept texting and nothing...and then, I could no longer find her Facebook and I just knew. She came back the next day and only later in the day was I able to notice that she posted that she was now the mom to two girls. I screamed for my husband to come to my office and we both saw what we feared.
We immediately called the lawyers and they called the hospital. They were in shock since they never even received a call that she had gone in. In tears, we waited while the called. It was then confirmed that she had delivered the baby and was already home.
Devastated...embarrassed... angry...betrayed. That is what we both felt. I remember going downstairs and telling my mom. She had travelled to be with us to help us out when we brought home, what would have been our second daughter. It was awful to have to tell the family and friends. I was so embarrassed and felt like I was slapped in the face so hard.
It took me a while to get over the anger...it took me a very long time. But eventually, it got less and less until all I really felt was pity for her. She took our money and spit on us. I only hoped that she would be a good mom to that little girl...
Well, it did not end there. About two months later, we adopted our little boy, and we were slowly getting used to two babies under the age of two. We receive a text message from the lawyers to call them....
So, this birthmom now wanted to know if it was too late to ask us to take the child...YEAH....Is your jaw dropping? because ours did!! And so, we knew we were not interested but wanted to make sure. We spoke to my sister, our social worker and prayed about it.
My sister told us to go for it, although she was not aware of the whole situation. But she did make some good points. Our social worker was more in agreement with us not going forward, but she also told us that she would support and help us if we decided to go ahead and adopt this little girl.
In the end, we refused because we just knew that if she screwed us over once, she would do it again. And we are glad we did because we came to find out that she did the same thing to another family and ended-up giving the little girl to a family member - we were told this was a terrible decision for that little girl - we keep her in prayer. We pray that she be safe and growing well.
Now, I can say that I am fully healed but it was tough. I pray that it never happens to anyone else, but that is wishful thinking because it will. We heard of a couple who endured five failed adoptions before they adopted their little girl - one of the failed adoptions, she had cut the umbilical cord - and we are now blessed that things turned out the way they did.
I hope this woman learns from what she did and that she never do it again. I do go on her Facebook account and I am not even sure that she is taking care of her older daughter...but now, she is no longer my problem and I have stopped going on her account, because it only brought back bad memories and I need to move on and forgive her - which I have. I should actually pray for her more because I feel that she needs it more than I think.
If you have experienced a failed adoption, please feel free to share. You are not alone and you will get through this.
SM
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