Post-Adoptive Depression (Baby Blues) - It Happened to Me!

Hello everyone,

 

I hope this post finds you healthy and blessed.

We often hear about women experiencing postpartum depression, after giving birth. But what about adoptive mothers? Do they experience something similar? This is today’s topic. I will link down below the online blog post that inspired me together with the book that I read on this matter.

 

When we started our first adoption process, our social worker gave us a couple of books to read about adoption. The nerd in me was extremely excited to start reading them – which I did. One topic caught my attention: post-adoption depression or also known as the “Baby Blues”. I found it interesting that even if a woman does not experience childbirth, she can still undergo some sort of postpartum depression.

 

I would just like to preface that postpartum depression is serious and should not be dismissed. It is not just a “sad” moment in a mother’s life – it can become dangerous if the mother does not get proper medical attention. If you or someone you know is currently feeling symptoms of postpartum depression, please don’t dismiss them and contact your doctor for immediate help.

 

That being said, when we brought our daughter home, I felt a mix of joy and fear. I was joyful because she was finally ours and at home. I was scared because here was this perfect stranger in my house, my life and my heart.

 

I will admit we were lucky with our daughter. She was an easy newborn. She would wake up on schedule and when she hit two months, we sleep trained her in less than three days. I could leave her to play in the kitchen area and still go on with my usual work and school activities. I could take her anywhere and she was an absolute joy – still is!

 

But, each time we posted life updates to her birthmom, I would get anxious. I over thought every picture, caption and letter, as I was concerned about saying the wrong thing. I began to feel guilty because I was getting to watch her grow-up and not her birthmom. It hit me even more when we hit the three-week mark after the adoption was finalized. It is usually around that time that a birthmom will start to feel like she may have made the wrong decision about the adoption plan. Thoughts of guilt and fear began to consume me and I was trying to put myself in her shoes.

 

Eventually, the thoughts and fears dissipated but know that each big life event of our daughter, I always think of her birthmom. And the same goes for my two other children. For that reason, I make sure the life updates and photos provide a very detailed image of then and who they are becoming.

 

Baby Blues can happen to both the mom and dad. On average, “over 25% of adoptive parents may experience Baby Blues”* (Launching Baby’s Adoption, p. 155). When one experiences them, they may go through some anxiety, worry, fear of not being able to attach to the baby, worry about the birthparents and wonder how they are handling the brave decision they made.

 

Many factors can contribute to the Baby Blues. The most obvious one is that you have become a parent – at times – overnight! With our daughter, we had about two month’s notice. With our sons, we had one day with our middle child and three hours with our youngest son. All in all, we became parents of three children within twenty-six months – I know…overwhelming!!!

 

Becoming a parent takes a toll on you. For one, you have never done this before. For two, no matter how much you read and researched, you feel like you know absolutely nothing. And three, you feel you are doing everything wrong – especially when the baby cries and you can’t comfort them. Add sleepless nights – because newborns wake up a lot during the night to eat, be burped, be changed and then fall asleep …only to be repeated about less than two hours after the moment they hit the pillow… and you get tired like you have never been tired before.

 

Another factor that contributes to the Baby Blues are the unresolved infertility issues that, in some instances, can arise. One may think why these are popping up at what is to be te most incredible moment in your life. But it happens. I began to start feeling sad because I was not present when our daughter was born. I only saw her for the first time during a text exchange with the lawyers. I also realized I could not have a baby book for her because they usually start with pictures before the birth. Little side note, I did end-up finding an excellent baby book that started the moment they were born – excited to start on that project!

 

In the end, I just had to come to terms with it. It did not matter that I was not present before. What mattered was that I was present now and would be for their whole life, God willing. It was all about changing my perspective and adapting it to my current reality instead of wishing for a different past.

 

Depending from which State you adopt, there may be a thirty-day grace period in which the birthparents can change their mind about the adoption plan. This waiting period can create some very anxiety-filled weeks as you count the days until the thirty days are up. Therefore, it is possible that on day thirty, the birthparent comes back for the baby. I have not had to experience this as it does not apply in our State, but can only imagine the added stress to an already stressful situation.

 

When people started to visit us after we adopted our daughter, I often heard that it was normal that I was not exhausted since I had not given birth. Okay, yes, that is a fact. I did not give birth to any of my children. However, you should ever say this to an adoptive mom. First of all, I would have been honored to be in labor for an entire week for those children – but my reproductive system is dormant and God’s will was to have me become a mom via adoption. So, I don’t need to be reminded that I did not give birth to my children. Knowing that another woman had to give birth so that I could be a mom was painful to accept.

 

Second of all, whether or not you have given birth to your child, you will be physically and mentally exhausted. That is because newborns are demanding, as they should be. You have these tiny humans who can’t do anything on their own. They depend on you for absolutely everything and you have to be there for them all the time.

 

Is there a way to get over the Baby Blues? Of course! The first thing is to acknowledge that you are experiencing it. Whether you are the mom or the dad, you can experience it. It is a real thing; it is normal and is to be expected.

 

Second, give yourself the time to adjust to your new life. Your house will no longer be the same, as it will soon be filled with all these baby products and toys. I know people will want to visit and see the new baby, but it’s okay to let them know you need some time to adjust and settle in with your new little one. Give yourself the time to bond and enjoy time alone with this new bundle of joy.

 

Third, and this is a GAME CHANGER, whoever is staying home with the baby should always take a shower and get dressed before the baby wakes up. This may mean you need to lose a bit of sleep, on top of the sleep you are already losing. But, trust me, it will be more beneficial to you than you think. I can tell you from experience that when I slept in, I never got a chance to shower and get dressed. My husband would often come home from work and I was still in my pajamas and all crusty – yeah, not a good look.

 

Fourth, schedule time for yourself and your marriage. Don’t think that it’s selfish. If you don’t take care of you, no one else will. In addition, you will not be able to be there for your husband and your kids if you burn yourself out. It will a bit of time to find those hidden moments, but once you do, you will notice a difference in your mood. Just because you have kids, it does not mean you have to stop caring about your appearance.

 

We started scheduling “day-dates” because going out at night is exhausting for us. Putting it on the calendar means you have to do it and it will be nice for you and the kids to have a break from each other. Yes, your will talk about the kids, but find activities that you will both enjoy and make you forget a bit about the kids. Keep the romance alive and fresh!

 

Fifth, do not lock yourself in your house. Go out, run errands and take your kids with you. It will take some careful planning, but it will be good for everyone. Find a local mom group in your neighborhood, at Church or the park and schedule play dates. It’s good for the kids and it’s good for you. If you live around the kids only, you will go insane – and you don’t want “The Wheels On The Bus” to the only song you hear over and over again.

 

Sixth, try as best as you can to keep eating right and getting some sleep. This will be a trial and error phase for any new parent. At first, coffee was my only source of nutrition together with whatever the kids threw on the floor or me. I lost ten pounds when we brought our second child home – I looked good but felt like crap. Remember what I wrote earlier: if you don’t care of yourself, no one else will.

 

I may no longer experience the Baby Blues, but it has made me more mindful when it comes to life updates. It is a constant reminder that three brave women chose life and did the most selfless and loving act: making an adoption plan. These women gave me a great gift, one that I am honored to have been chosen for.

 

Just like postpartum depression can become dangerous, so can the Baby Blues. If your symptoms persist, you should consult your doctor, social worker and any support group you have.

 

Have you experienced the Baby Blues? What were your symptoms? Please feel free to share any thoughts or comments.

 

Until my next post, be still in waiting.

 

Blessings,

SM

 

Online blog post: https://www.americanadoptions.com/blog/what-you-need-to-know-about-postpartum-and-post-adoption-depression/

 

Book: Launching a Baby’s Adoption – Patricia Irwin Johnston (not an affiliate link)

https://www.amazon.com/Launching-Babys-Adoption-Strategies-Professionals/dp/094493420X