How to Deal with Comments - When You’re Kids Are The Only Adoptees In The Family

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you safe and healthy. Weather is getting warmer, but we still need to do our part in stopping the spread of Covid-19.

 

It is very common to look at one’s children and find the similarities within the family. In our home, it is not possible since all three of our children are adopted. Furthermore, the rest of our siblings have biological children – such that our children are the only adoptees in our family. That is the topic of this post!

 

Oh, he looks just like Grandpa! Oh, she has the same nose as her aunt Lily! Things you hear when you look at pictures of the kids. But, when your kids are the only adopted ones, those comments do not bring much joy. Instead, they may cause alienation and distance between your kids and the rest of the family.

 

I completely understand the comments, because, I am the first to say them. However, with that being said, I have become more aware and conscious of how they may affect my children. The reality is they don’t look like anyone in the family. They look like their birthparents. Even our middle child who is Caucasian looks absolutely nothing like us. Yet, people always assume he is our biological child.

 

Can you protect your children from those comments? Not really. You can’t just put them in a bubble and shelter them – that would never be possible! Instead, this is a great opportunity for starting the discussion.  How you speak with them will help them to cope and feel less alienated from their family.

 

Will this always work? No. To be honest, it still bothers me. I only relish in the fact that our children are still too small – yet, they will soon be able to comprehend what is being said. Feelings will be hurt and so many questions will arise.

 

What matters is that your children know you are there for them because you are their advocate. They need to feel safe and understood by you – that will give them the confidence to confront these types of situations. Don’t dismiss how they feel and give their feelings the importance and time it needs.

 

The key is to start with small things and never let things pass with the mindset that: “Oh, that is not what they meant.” The moment you start letting things slide, and then you let others things get by. Remember that you are your child’s advocate. You cannot protect them from everything, but you can give them the tools they need to face those kinds of situation.

 

Another point I need to address is about acknowledging the adoption. Some may want to pretend it is not the case, but the reality is that if you adopt you kids, then they are adopted. Don’t pretend it is not there. I have two kids who are of mixed race. I can’t hide it or deny it, which would be dumb and harmful to them.

 

In doing so, it would be as though I was teaching them that being adopted is bad or something to be ashamed of. My kids already know they are adopted – from the moment I held them, I made sure they knew. Now, how much does my three year old understand? Probably not much, but she knows we look different than her and that does not stop her from calling me Mama.

 

Communication, patience and understanding are key factors when it comes to dealing with any adoption issue. When it comes to comments, they are crucial and feelings should never be dismissed. Learning how to help our kids is a vital obligation on our part as parents. We, as parents, can’t prevent things from happening, but we can certainly help them cope with any situation that will arise.

 

I hope this post has helped you and I would love to hear your story. Let’s build our community by supporting each other.

 

Until my next post, let’s keep doing our part in preventing the spread of Covid-19.

 

SM