Adopting a Child of a Different Race - What I Have Learned

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you healthy and blessed.

 

Since the arrival of our daughter, who is of mixed race, we have learned a lot about skin and hair care and how to navigate sticky situations with family and strangers. These were things that although I knew would happen, were things I was not always prepared for.

 

During the adoption process, we attended a seminar on transracial adoptions. It opened my eyes to things and circumstances I never thought of. The people who had graciously come to share their experience, made us aware of what was to come and how we could prepare for it. For example, it never occurred to us that we needed to teach our children – two of mixed race and one Caucasian – how to interact with the police – should they get stopped.

 

There have been some bumps along the way – and more to come - but I have come to learn a few things and would like to share them with you. Here is my top five!

 

1)    Where You Go Matters

 

A couple of summers ago, we took the kids to the park. At the time, our daughter, who is of mixed race, was one and a half and our son, who is Caucasian, was a few months old. We got to the park and went to the swings. It then happened… kids were no longer going on the swings. They would get close and would leave. Then, I saw it. The moment they saw our daughter, they would not approach the swings.

 

Once we became aware of what was happening, we took both kids and just started walking around the park. My heart was broken and both my husband and I came home so sad. It was then that we realized that where we go now matters. We have become more mindful of where we go.

 

Recently, I had to decline and invitation to a Mom’s Group at our Church. I knew the other kids were white and I did not want our daughter to be the only one that wasn’t.

I know she wants to play with other kids, but I also see them stare at her as though she were an alien. And it happens when the kids are mainly of Caucasian race… For that reason, I try to go somewhere where there is more diversity.

 

2)    Racism will happen

 

Looks – yes, we get looks. I still find it heartbreaking that people look at our kids with disdain. I was even once asked: What? You could not get a white one?

 

As much as you want to protect your kids, they will face challenging situations. With recent events, it has become clear that racism is an issue that is still very much a problem.

 

The best way to remedy to it is to be informed and keep the communication lines open between you and your kids. Don’t dismiss their feelings and don’t act as though they are not of a different race. Don’t be colorblind!

 

I would like to say that racism only comes from outsiders, but some do face racism within their family and friends. Relationships, at times, may have to be severed because there was is no acceptance of the children from a different race. In the end, you, as the parent, need to ensure that you are making your home a safe place and that you are preparing them for those times when racism will occur. For example, one thing I have learned is that when our kids start to have friends, it is our responsibility to teach those friends not to leave our kids alone, should the police come over. The more we make people aware of racism, the more we can change people’s views and misconceptions.

 

3)    Hair and Skin Care – Get With It!

 

There is a scene in Grey’s Anatomy where Derrick comes to the hospital with his daughter, Zola. He gets reprimanded by being told he has perfect hair while his daughter’s hair is “31 shades of wrong” and to “Do your baby’s hair!” It’s a hilarious scene, do check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1KvjpoGXFw

 

Before Covid, whenever I was out with our daughter, I would not hesitate to ask women of dark skin about her hair. I was given much advice and I did follow some of it. I have tried a few and failed at many, but I am learning and her hair is growing beautifully. I have found a lady on YouTube that also has daughters of mixed race and that has been helpful and I have started to do some styles with her hair.

 

As for skin, I knew that I could not use the same lotion I used on our son who is Caucasian. I knew her skin needed more of a richer formula and when I see that her skin is ashy, you bet that I make sure it is well moisturized.

 

The reality is that I know how to take care of white hair and white skin – because I am white. I had to learn about how to take care of her skin and hair. I use YouTube, read books and anything that I can get my hands on to learn more and yes, I ask people at stores, clinics…anywhere! It is important that I make sure my kids are taken care of according to their genes – if not, I am not being a responsible parent.

 

4)    Community is Key

 

This point can be linked to my first one of where you go matters. It’s easy to feel alone when you adopt a child that is of another race. You may find yourself in an area where you are the only family with children of another race. It may be a good and valid reason to move. It’s not because you are not wanted, but you want to show your kids that families don’t always come in the same way. It will make them also stand out less.

 

It may be helpful to get advice from someone who has gone through it before. Schools, doctor’s office, dentists and anyone that needs to come into contact with your kids will need to be a more mindful decision. Our daughter’s dental hygienist is of the same race as her – it will show our daughter that she is not alone in a sea of white people – which can be easy depending on where you are living.

 

Don’t stay in your bubble! Those couples you will meet during your adoption journey – get connected and create that support network for you and the kids!

 

5)    Colors Will Never Be the Same

 

I recently bought a behavior chart for our kids. They may be too young, but it has been a good way to talk about good and bad behavior, what needs to be improved and where they have done great! When I first started it, I used the black marker to indicate the bad behavior. It was my husband who reminded me that maybe using the black marker was not the best color. I was not sure why until he pointed out that it may indicate that our kids who are of mixed race, may associate the color black with bad behavior. Yikes!!! I quickly remedied that situation!

 

The same goes when choosing books for them. It is important to have a variety of books that show a variety of people. It can’t be books that only have white children – they may feel left out and that it not what you would want for your kids. The same goes for educational books – they are not all good. For example, I found one where only children of darker skin color display the bad behavior. The world is cruel enough; make sure your home is safe and welcoming.

 

With regards to toys, it is also important to be mindful. We received a beautiful Nativity set carved in wood. Problem is…every character is white and blond… yeah, we had to remedy to that and we have painted them darker and made the remark to the person who bought it.

 

You can’t shield them from it all, but, as I mentioned earlier, you can make your home a safe place for them.

 

All in all, we have made it our mission to provide our children with a safe, loving and welcoming home. We stop any behavior from outsiders that can be harmful to our children. We also have started to engage them in how they came into our home, via adoption. It is not always easy and we have made mistakes, but we keep at it. I read books, scour blogs, and get connected via social media. I have much to learn – especially as they get older, but knowing that I am not alone makes it better and less overwhelming.

 

Until my next post, be still in waiting! Keep safe and healthy!

 

SM

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