To Say or Not to Say To An Adoptive Mother – article linked

Hello everyone,

 

Please accept my apologies for not having posted in a while. It has been busy with school and I was also recovering from a back injury – my oldest son decided to use my back as a trampoline…

 

I hope this post finds you well, safe and healthy. We are closer to the end of this pandemic but we still need to wear our masks, practice social distancing and wash our hands.

 

Ever since we told people we were adopting, we were bombarded with so much advice. Much of it, to be honest, came from people who never adopted. As for those who had, they would tell us about the downfall of adoption and, at times, it was not positive at all.

 

Don’t get me wrong: advice is great! However, advice is often based on one’s own personal experience. This is problematic because one finds themselves projecting their own experience on the other person – and realistically, you have no idea what the other person is actually going through. So, most of the advice, I took with a grain of salt. I am glad I did.

 

This leads me to today’s post. It is, once again, inspired by a blog entry I read on American Adoptions: 7 Well Meaning but Misguided Comments About Adoption – the link can be found down below. While reading it, I found myself wondering how could people say such things? Clearly, they must have come from people who never experienced infertility or adoption. Okay, this introduction is getting too long, so let’s dive into the top four “well meaning but misguided comments about adoption.”

 

Comment #1

“It’s so wonderful that you chose to save these children in need.”

If I had a penny each time I heard this one… It’s a common one and I get it – yet, that is not what adoption is about. Those who adopt are not saving anyone. What they are doing is welcoming a child into their home and promise to love and nurture them. There is no place for being a hero when you adopt. The true hero, in my opinion, are the birthmoms that carry their children in their womb and make the most loving and selfless decision to make an adoption plan.

 

4. “He/she is adopted? But you look so much alike!”

In our case, we have two children of mixed race and one is Caucasian. Obviously, most assume he is our biological child. When we say he is adopted, most are in shock. How can that be? He looks like you!! I tend to laugh at that comment and kindly reply that I would have remembered carrying a child and delivering him.

I would like to share a true and funny story – well, it’s not funny “haha” but mostly funny in a ironic way. A couple we know adopted an African-American baby and they are Caucasian. The dad went to the hardware store and proudly brought his son with him. The clerk at the store commented on his son and the father mentioned that he was adopted. The clerk looked puzzled and said: Really? He looks exactly like you! Some of us felt like it could have been one of two things: 1) this person got uncomfortable because they never knew someone who adopted or 2) they were being a bit cruel. I am hoping that it was the first one.

 

5. “You’re so lucky you got to avoid weight gain and stretch marks.”

As a woman who felt broken during her infertility journey – still do, trust me when I say that I would have gladly been happy with all the weight gain, hormonal shifts, body aches, frequent bathroom visits and stretch marks. Also, those would have been irrelevant since I would have been overjoyed with having had the privilege to be pregnant. So, please, don’t project your negative thoughts about pregnancy on women who struggle with infertility.

 

7. “At least you got to choose your kid.”

Okay, this is a tricky one. Let’s start with the facts. Our children are not commodities. We do not look through a catalog and pick them. Let’s get that straight! Now, it is true that when proceeding with an adoption, you will be asked what type of child you are looking to adopt. You are asked about age, gender, race and medical conditions. For this reason, I can understand how someone from the outside can perceive it as choosing a child. In our case, we were open to every gender, race and medical condition – except for terminal illness. Others, for example, may feel less inclined to adopt a certain race due to what the family would say. And this leads to another post that I will be issuing in the coming weeks.

 

But going back to this comment, although we may choose a child that is healthy, nothing can predict what will happen in the long term. But the same can happen with couples able to conceive who are told by their doctor that their baby is not healthy. Some will then have to contemplate whether or not to continue with the pregnancy – nothing is guaranteed whether in natural conception or through adoption.

 

So, what have we learned? To be mindful with how we comment on things we have not experienced. I would also add that is the kids are present, to be even more careful. As adoptive parents, we are starting to talk to our oldest daughter, who is three, about how she is adopted. The last thing she would need is to feel less loved or abandoned should someone make such comments.

 

Have you experienced these comments? How did you react? Do you have others than those mentioned here or in the article? Please share and let’s build our community.

 

Until my next post, please keep safe and healthy.

 

SM

https://www.americanadoptions.com/blog/7-well-meaning-but-misguided-comments-about-adoption/