Being A Mom With An Anxiety Disorder

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you all well and safe. As always, remember to do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19.

A few years back, I was diagnosed with general and acute anxiety. Basically, I am anxious all the time. However, if something occurs that is out of the realm of my daily anxieties, that is when the acute anxiety kicks-in. This acute anxiety has been causing me to have three episodes of cold sores, in the last month. Yes, I have been very stressed.

I am not talking the usual stresses of a wife and mother of three children under the age of three who also happens to try to have a successful blog, finish her Masters in Theology and has recently decided to add a Certificate to her degree in Ethics and who is trying to write a novel about her experiences from wanting to be a lawyer to realizing that it was not what she was supposed to be while juggling being a doting and supportive wife and loving and nurturing mother and also call my mother and sister on a daily basis and make sure that my house is clean, the laundry is done and that... yikes, no wonder I am so stressed...

Anxiety has crippled me in many ways. It has taken away from me pleasure in the simple things in life. It prevents me of the opportunity to just be present. It is a true killer of joy. I have lived with it for years - possibly as early as five years old and it will not leave me.

Have I tried everything? Yes - medication, less caffeine, calming teas, exercise, daily walks, weighted blanket, silk pajamas, creams with oils that help promote sleep, warm bubble baths, reading, less screen time, prayer, meditation, more fruits and vegetables, less sweets, coloring, listening to music, doing yoga, therapy...and still, my anxiety is with me and I have come to accept that it just won't go away.

What does this mean for me as a mom? It makes me anxious to think about it, but I have come to certain realizations:

1) I will ALWAYS have anxiety

Yes, it will always be who I am. It will never leave me, so it is up to me to choose how it will be part of my life and not how I will be a part of its life.

2) My kids are watching me

Yes, they are watching every move that I make. In fact, my daughter will often play around in the kitchen and pretend she is cooking - because I cook a lot and have her be my helper. I have also seen her exhibit some traits of mine that come out when I get anxious - for example, when there is a loud noise, she will do exactly like me and start getting scared. 

Knowing they are watching has given me the courage to face my anxiety and do whatever it takes to live with it and not lose my sanity.

3) I am still unable to prevent anxiety attacks

Unfortunately, this pandemic has not helped. Having to isolate because my husband is a healthcare worker and having three small children has been a huge sacrifice. Yet, I stick to it because my family comes first and after more than three "quarantine" episodes... I stopped counting and just rolled with it.

I can only notice them when it is too late and, at that point, all I can do is wait until it passes. Prayer, watching YouTube or just lying down are my only remedies - for now.

4) Prayer and the Bible are my solace

Each day, without failing, I journal and read the Bible. I am on track for reading the Bible, in its entirety, by October 1, 2021. Having it scheduled in my daily planner means that I have to do it and I am now, better at doing it on the weekends. If it means getting up earlier, then, so be it! It allows me to vent out any frustration, anger, worry or joy and it also forces me to stay quiet with my thoughts. When I miss a day, it shows...

5) Having a bad day does not allow me to make everyone else's day bad

It's far too easy to make others suffer because you are suffering. Instead, I just vent by myself and remember that just because it's a bad day for me, it should not be a bad day for others. If I find that I am being the party-pooper, then, I remove myself to quiet down and then, come back when I am feeling better.

It also has opened up my eyes as to when one of the kids is having a bad day - if I have bad days, so can they! It has made me have more empathy, patience and understanding with them.

All in all, anxiety is something a lot of people struggle with. For some, medication is the only solace because they have it very bad. For others, several techniques help to ease it. For me, a number of things need to be done to help me manage it. For now, daily walks by myself, coloring intricate patterns, reading and praying and journaling, are helping. It can't prevent the bigger attacks, but has made life a bit more bearable and easier to live.

My mom has anxiety and I learned from her. I don't want my kids to be anxious, but if they are, I hope that I am able to show them that you can be anxious and still be as good as you can be.

Until my next post, please keep safe and remember to do your part in stopping the spread of Covid-19.

SM