Inappropriate Questions when you Adopt - how to deal with them?

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you safe and healthy. Remember to do your part in stopping the spread of Covid-19.

I was at Walmart, this was pre-pandemic, with my husband and the kids. We were at the self-serve register paying for our items. A lady, an employee assisting with the self-serve registers, approached our kids and said how adorable they were. We replied we were very blessed and then, it happened: a very inappropriate question! She looked me straight in the eyes and asked: "Are they yours? Like yours yours?" Don't worry, it was not the first time I got this question yet it still caught me off guard.

I looked at her, smiled and answered: "What do you mean by that?" This has become my go-to answer. I have learned through many awkward moments like these that when you answer this way, it not only catches them off guard, but allows me to find out where that question actually comes from.

In this case, this lady was an adoptee. Unfortunately, she had a horrible experience and never felt like she belonged. I did not press for answers or clarifications. I just told her I was sorry and that it must be difficult to cope with. I also thanked her for sharing her story with me. I assured her we loved our kids very much. She seemed relieved and shared a little more and I listened. Before we left, she asked we come back and see her again - which I did!

While walking back to our car, my husband and I talked about what had just happened. We both found it heartbreaking to meet an adoptee that never felt accepted or like she belonged in the family she was placed with. We prayed for her and hope she has found peace.

In other situations, I have been asked the following: "Where are they from? How come they were abandoned? How could their mothers not love them? Wow, how lucky are they to no longer be with their parents! You really saved those kids from horrible parents! Are they all adopted? Does it bother you they don't look like you? Why did you adopt a child from another race? Why did you adopt a Caucasian child and give him siblings that are not Caucasian - are you racist? Where is the mother? Who is the mother? Do they look like their parents? Can they speak English? Do they understand you when you speak? Do they have any “issues”? How come you don’t have children of your own? What are they? Oh, you adopted three!!! How much was it?” I could keep going, but I think you get the gist of it.

In spite of all these questions, I am lucky about one thing: my kids are still too small to understand what people are asking. But, they won't be small forever. So, for now, I am still safe…

How to deal with all these questions? It's easy: remain calm and use the opportunity to educate. It may sound simplistic, but trust me, it’s the best thing to do. No matter how much you want to clap back and walk away, you need to remember your kids are watching and listening. No matter how much you want to win the argument, it’s not worth it. In addition, it will help you practice how to answer. This way, your kids will be the ones who answer those questions, when they are old enough, and they will do it with grace and poise.

When answering, stick to facts and take the time to teach them about adoption. I knew absolutely nothing about adoption. Now, I find myself correcting others when they ask questions or are wondering about adoption. I have a family member who keeps asking if our daughter looks like her mother. I always answer: You mean, her birthmother? This family member always, in return, replies: Oh, you know what I mean… Yeah, no, that is not right! And so, I always remind them that I am her mother and that whether or not she looks like her birthmom is personal to her. The wrong way would be to shout: DON’T YOU GET IT??? I AM HER MOTHER!!!!! Remember: stay calm and educate! You can scream later when you are alone!!

Another thing to keep in mind is that you, or your children, are in no way obligated to answer any question. Many, if not all, of the questions pertain to very personal matters that only concern you, your kids and their birth parents. Don’t feel like you need to address anything.

It will always hurt when asked these questions, but it does not allow you to be rude. If you act that way, your kids will do the same. That achieves nothing. It only perpetuates hatred and misunderstanding and we need more kindness and empathy. Besides, you don’t know what the other person is going through or went through.

So, do your research by reading up on adoption and how others have dealt with various situations subscribe to online magazines, Facebook forums, online groups, reach out to your social worker for resources – because yeah, you will not be the only one who gets those questions. Practice answering and take any opportunity to educate – even if you are getting a compliment on your children. Don’t learn things by heart because it will come out as fake. You want to remain you and give your kids the proper tools to cope with these questions.

I must caution about something. Once the situation has passed and you are alone with your kids, it is important to debrief on what just took place. Don’t just let it pass and think they are okay. Communication and addressing what was asked or said is extremely important. You may need to reassure them or listen to their worries and frustrations. Don’t expect them to get used to it because you will not – it always hurts, even more for them.

I hope this has helped in some small way. In the end, it will never be easy to have to listen to all the questions – but you also don’t have to answer them or justify anything. Remain calm, use the moment to educate and who knows? You may actually inspire someone to adopt or get to know someone’s story and make a new friend.

If you have been faced with these questions, how did you cope? Have you had any positive or negative experiences? Please share and let’s build our community!

Until my next post, please keep safe and healthy! Wear your masks, social distance and do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19.

SM