Dealing with infertility - what helped and what didn't!

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you all safe and healthy. For some, the restrictions are easing off and for others, they are back to a partial shutdown. Regardless of where you are, remember to do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19. 

When we started telling people we were having issues conceiving, I heard the same three things:

1) Stop worrying, it will happen!

2) You are stressing too much - have some wine and relax!

3) I know someone who conceived when they were about your age - no problem!

When I miscarried, I heard these three things:

1) Hey, at least now you know you can conceive!

2) Oh, don't be sad, you can try again next month!

3) Everybody miscarries the first time - you will get pregnant soon!

Did any of these statements help or give me hope? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Most often, they were made by women who had no fertility issues - therefore, they knew nothing about my situation! And when you don't know about one's journey, it is best to just say nothing! When I hear someone's story and I can't relate, I keep my mouth shut or say: I am sorry that you are going through this, it must be so hard. How can I help?

It's not to say that the women who told me those things were insensitive - well, some were - but they just wanted to make me feel better. Many prayed for me and when they heard we were adopting, they prayed harder so we would become parents soon!

It was extremely hard to be the infertile one in the family. Not that others haven't shared losses, but I am the only one who does not have biological children. And still, I sometimes feel like I am not part of the club - I have no ultrasounds to share, no first moment into the world... I have a phone call that tells me that I have been matched to a birthmom, from there, an adoption may or may not happen. There is much uncertainty. 

After years of dealing with infertility, I found that surrounding myself with women who have gone through it helped tremendously. Only they could understand my anger, pain and frustration. Only they could feel what I was feeling. Unfortunately, I did not have that many around me who could share in my journey - they all popped out once I had dealt with my pain. This got me thinking - was going through it alone what helped me now be there for others? This may be a future post...to be continued!

I love reading, that is a fact. During that time, I looked for books that showed the reality of infertility. I was not wanting to read a rose-colored, fluffy book that would patch the cold and hard reality of what infertility truly was. I wanted books that spoke the truth and where the authors had gone through it or were still in it. I did find a few book - I will link them below. 

While reading them, it brought back so many of those dark times. Yet, it also brought me comfort to see that others had not only gone through it, but had come out more joyful and stronger in their faith. That was inspiring. When we are knee deep in our pain, we are unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We find it hard to even conceive of the idea that things will get better...that we will find joy again. 

Writing, therapy, exercising and coloring have also brought much comfort and peace in my journey. Each of these has helped in a different way and together, they have shown me that there is an end to the pain.

What does not help is having people make you feel like it is in your head. Negative and toxic comments will only make you sink deeper into the pain. As such, it is important to surround yourself with positive and uplifting people. So, it may not be a bad idea to look around you and maybe even make a few changes.

What has helped you? What did not help you? Please share and let's build our community!

Until my next post, keep safe and healthy!

SM