Birth Stories - How and When to Share

Hello everyone,

I hope you all had a great and safe weekend! 

Every baby has a birth story. Every woman loves sharing her birth story. But when you adopt, those birth stories are not to be shared with the world...at least, not until your children are old enough. Why? because when it comes to adoption, birth stories are personal and confidential. They should only be told by the children's themselves. When do you start to tell them? How do you tell them? What can you share with family, friends or strangers?? This is the topic of the day!

When you adopt, everyone wants to know everything! If you are the first in your family to adopt - TRUST ME - there will be a ton of questions! You will learn fairly quickly what you can share and what you cannot. It is too easy to give others all the details, but you need to remember that the birth stories of your children are their stories to tell - not yours. It can be hard to juggle all that information because family and friends - and yes, strangers - can be so curious... Yet, I need to repeat that it is NOT your story to tell.

We had our share, and still do, of questions - and they find such clever ways to ask but not ask!!  It is okay to ask because it shows interest for our kids. But, it is not okay to pester us about their stories and some do... And, at times, it has been so close where I was about to divulge things that were personal to our kids - I caught myself and thought - wow, that was close... so, how do I handle it?

First, you do not have any obligation to tell anything to anyone about your kids birth stories. Those are personal and confidential to your family. You need to respect your children's privacy and let them, if they wish, to choose who and what they wish to divulge.

Second, you can and should start telling them their birth story. I do it while on a walk with them - since I speak many languages, I pick the one that most people would not understand. I speak to them about their birthparents, how we knew about them, the first time we met... And since they are still so young, they have no clue what I am saying. But, that is not the point - the important thing is that you start telling them so that when they do start to understand, you have it nailed and it has become natural.

Third, it is not okay to keep things from your children's story. Not all parts of their story will be nice and rosy and it is up to you to let them know the whole truth. It is better they hear it from you than a stranger. We know we will have to deal with difficult issues and some uncomfortable questions, but we have started acquiring the tools and resources we need to deal with those as they come along. Ideally, you have already had conversations about their adoption story - therefore, DO NOT WAIT until they are teenagers - BAD IDEA!! So, start speaking to them now - even as babies. If you are concerned about hurting them, don't be - choose your words wisely and know that it is okay to say: I don't know... don't invent things or make them appear better than they are. Be honest and be there for them!

Fourth, I mentioned this in the point below - but choose your words wisely. For example, don't badmouth the birthparents. We know some of their story, but we don't know the details and it does not matter. What your children need to know is that their birthparents were in difficult adult situations which made them unable to care for them - the proper way, the way they wanted to. As such, they chose the most loving and self-sacrificial way of showing them how much they loved them - they made an adoption plan. Be aware of all the assumptions that will be made about their birthparents - remember that you need to be their advocates as well. As they gave you respect, in choosing you to parent the child they brought into this world - be respectful to them as well.

Fifth, teach your kids how to share, when to share and who to share with. Since it is their story, they may want to divulge all about them. Yet, it may be important to keep certain details confidential. Part of their story is their birthparents story - and just like you should not be telling others your children's birth story, the same applies to their birthparents. That is why is it so important to start having that conversation as early as you can!!

For us, we are still at the good stage - the kids are too young and they are not fully verbal. But, within a year, the two older ones will start to speak more. Our daughter already notices the change in skin color - another thing to consider - differences in races and ethnicities. They are more in tune to these things than you think. Be aware of comments, assumptions, remarks and inappropriate jokes - yes, some people think it is okay to make fun of children - give your children the gift of respect and safety. If they can't feel respected and safe with you - trust me, the world will be only more cruel to them.

All in all, it is a process. It takes work and patience. It takes us getting properly educated and reading about it. It takes asking for help - because trust me, no matter how much you read, nothing can prepare us for everything! Knowledge is power - maybe a cliche but it is true. Use the correct words to say and name things. Start as soon as you can. Trust yourself - remember, you were chosen to parent these children - you got this!

Do you have any experiences, good or bad, about birth stories? Did you say too much and then, it came back to haunt you? Were you pressured into sharing or were criticized for not giving details? Share your experience and let's build our community!

SM