Why I went to therapy and still do!

 Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you healthy and well. I have changed when I post - Tuesday and Thursday. I would rather put out better content on less days than post mediocre posts every day.

Therapy is something that I recommend you do, at least, once in our life. Some may only need a few sessions and others, like me, need it to maintain balance and accountability. I had my first therapy session in my mid-twenties. It was a referral from a co-worker of mine. Not knowing what to expect, the only idea I had was of having to lie down on a couch, in a dark room and just talk.

Why did I go to therapy? There were many reasons. I was in an abusive - verbal and mental - relationship. I was not happy with my body image and I felt lost. I wanted to be saved and thought a therapist could do that. 

I never told my mom where I was going. Therapy is not well seen in my family. It is something that only "crazy" people do. And because I was afraid that she would tell everyone at our parish - I kept it to myself. My appointments were always later in the day. That set a routine for me. I would go to the restaurant in the corner to get some lunch (where I faced my fear of eating alone) and would go off to my session.

My therapist was not what I expected. Her office had a very cozy ambiance and there was no couch but a nice chair with pillows. I sat down, placed the pillow in my lap - I did that to hide my body - and looked at her as she smiled at me. Her first words were: "So, what are you doing here?" It set me off. I started to cry. All those emotions and thoughts repressed for so long and all I could say was absolutely nothing. I just cried. 

Once I got that out of my system, the session started. I stayed with her for about a year and a half and then, it got too hard. That's therapy; it gets easy then when it gets hard, it gets harder before the real work begins. I stopped going. It was too tough. I had to reach into places and parts of me that I was not ready to work on. 

I then started law school, got extremely busy and only went back to see her to show her how much I had evolved. Only then did I realize how far I had come. I had broken up and stopped going back into that toxic abusive relationship (because although we had broken up, I kept going back to him). I was healthier and had more confidence. I had come a long way.

Life continued and years later... I went into a moderate to severe depression and therapy was part of my treatment. Once again, the moment I sat down and was asked why I was there... I cried again. It was the same cry because I felt that sense of loss, lack of confidence and utter despair. Unlike years ago, I did not stop going when it got tough. My sessions were no longer scheduled on a weekly basis and I started going on a monthly basis, as I was evolving. 

Four years later, I am still in therapy. I now meet up twice a month and it helps me keep grounded. Most times, I feel like he will tell me: hey, you are doing so great, we can stop meeting! No such luck - the moment the session begins, some issue comes up and I am back to square one. 

Therapy is not a crutch. It is hard work each time that continues, even after the session is over. It's like a workout, except you are training your brain and soul. When I miss a session, I notice it right away. Then, are weeks when the session could not come soon enough. Covid-19 was a big part of my sessions once the pandemic hit. I have battled all areas of my life and self - nothing has been left unturned.

I went into therapy believing the therapist would save me. Turns out that the only person that can save me is me. Yes, that is therapy! Many fail to understand that concept and it is one of the reasons why they quit. I knew a girl who never kept up with any therapist because she thought they were there so save her - she failed to see that the hard work had to come from her. 

Everyone needs therapy, in some shape or form. It is so powerful to have a complete stranger look at you and say: Okay, that is enough! I have heard you and now, you need to get it together and start living!! Therapists give you insight and they teach you the tools you need to save yourself. Although, God (if you are religious) also gives you the strength you need to battle those inner demons. Once you have pierced through the thick of the problem - you start to see the light. It will not come easily and after only one session. It will take time and, some times, medication, to help alleviate all that sadness, despair, frustration, anxiety and any other crap you have to deal with.

For me, it has been a way to maintain my mental health in check. It is how I keep healthy and stay happy. Even after so many years, some sessions are harder than others. There is always more work to be done and that is part of the game. I can space them out as I see fit, but for now, twice a month is a good balance.

If you are considering therapy, don't be scared. Therapists are not there to judge or laugh at you. You may need to change therapists if they or their methods are not a good fit for you. Spacing between sessions may differ as you progress or regress. Taking a break can happen. Regardless of the situation, going to therapy does not mean you are a loser or weak. It takes courage and wisdom. It requires looking inside you, facing all that ugliness and brokeness  and taking the steps to break free!

Are you in therapy, have been or are contemplating starting? Share your thoughts and stories and let's build our community. 

Until my next post, please do your part to stop the spread of Covid-19. You need to wear your face mask, wash your hands, not touch your face and only leave the house if necessary (like work and other essentials). 

Take care and keep safe and healthy!

SM