Adoption Updates - A Simple How-To Guide
Hello everyone,
I am writing later in the day - we had our final home study meeting earlier. Now, the clock ticks as to when the phone call will come in...but all in God's time.
I hope you had a great day. If it was not a good one, I am sorry about it. I hope it gets better, if not today, within the next few days.
I get a lot of questions from friends and family as to how we provide updates to our birthparents. I thought of going through how and what we do for our updates. Just as a disclaimer, this is how we do it in our state. It may be entirely different in your state or country, but it may give you some pointers or help you understand what it entails when adoptive parents provide updates.
Depending on the schedule that you will need to follow, you will have to submit, most often via a web portal, letters and pictures of your child. This is done, mainly, to help reinforce the decision that the birthparent took. It also allows us to show how their precious gift is doing and holds us accountable to keeping up with photos and events. For is, it has been a great way to keep taking pictures!!
In our case, the schedule we need to follow is the following:
- first ten days
- one, two, three, six and nine months
- one year and one year and a half
- two years
- every year until their eighteenth birthday
Within a month of the due date of the album, we receive an email reminder each day. It helps to keep the dates in our calendar, to avoid missing an update. However, if you need more time, you can always contact your agency and they will give you more time. We try to give them a few days ahead because we don't want to be rushed and then miss something important.
Because these are done every few months and then annually, it's important to keep track of pictures and events. It's also helpful to have family members forward us pictures they have as well. We then start to gather them in a folder on our computer and go through which ones are the best ones. We make sure we have a good amount of pictures to represent what has been going since the last update.
When it comes to pictures, it is very important to be mindful of the ones you will choose. Make sure that they highlight your child and not others around them. The child needs to be the focus. You also need to make sure that the pictures are clear, not blurry and showcase the child in his\her best behavior.
Depending on the web portal, you may need to provide a brief description of each picture. You want to let the birthparents who is with the child. It helps to have them know who is interacting with your child on a daily basis. It also provides them with a sense of security that the child is not always alone.
The cover letters can be as simple or elaborate as you want them to be. Be mindful of your words and be kind. Don't just write basic things like: they eat, sleep and poop. NO!!! Pretend that you are writing about your child to a stranger and you want them to know who your child is. You can mention what they have been doing, what they are eating now, a favorite book or toy, a trip that they enjoyed...
I have been told that I give way too much information - too much, according to my husband... But, in my mind, I figure that the kids will want to read those letters later. Therefore, I don't want them to feel as if we did not put in the work and effort. I would hate for them to think that we did not care about them or their birthparents.
As the children get older, include them in the creation of these updates. For example, have them pick out the pictures and provide their own description. They may want to write the letter or provide a drawing or show something they did at school or camp. They may wish not to participate, but if they are open and willing, let them help you with these updates. It is their story, let them have control, while you, as the parent, are there to help them.
Depending on the web portal, there may be an opportunity to share messages. For this reason, when you write your letters, remember to let them know that you are open to any questions or concerns they may have. Let them know that it is okay to write to you and ask questions.
Providing updates can be stressful, but the more you do them, the easier it gets. You just need to remember that you are giving them a glimpse into what has been going on and letting them know that their gift is well taken care of.
One more thing I feel that I need to mention: when the birthparent is no longer viewing the profiles. This has been especially difficult for me. After doing some research and speaking with our social worker, it has brought me some peace. In the end, these birthparents may be in a different headspace and are just unable to deal with the updates. They may also just need more time and space and that is their choice. They do come back and their silence does not mean that they are angry or no longer love this child. On the contrary, they never stopped loving that child!! And they will be back to watch the updates - only when they are ready. So, keep posting and updating and doing a great job at it, because they will appreciate it when they come back and know that they do.
If there is anything else that you wish to know, please don't hesitate to ask.
Wishing you a great day!
SM
I am writing later in the day - we had our final home study meeting earlier. Now, the clock ticks as to when the phone call will come in...but all in God's time.
I hope you had a great day. If it was not a good one, I am sorry about it. I hope it gets better, if not today, within the next few days.
I get a lot of questions from friends and family as to how we provide updates to our birthparents. I thought of going through how and what we do for our updates. Just as a disclaimer, this is how we do it in our state. It may be entirely different in your state or country, but it may give you some pointers or help you understand what it entails when adoptive parents provide updates.
Depending on the schedule that you will need to follow, you will have to submit, most often via a web portal, letters and pictures of your child. This is done, mainly, to help reinforce the decision that the birthparent took. It also allows us to show how their precious gift is doing and holds us accountable to keeping up with photos and events. For is, it has been a great way to keep taking pictures!!
In our case, the schedule we need to follow is the following:
- first ten days
- one, two, three, six and nine months
- one year and one year and a half
- two years
- every year until their eighteenth birthday
Because these are done every few months and then annually, it's important to keep track of pictures and events. It's also helpful to have family members forward us pictures they have as well. We then start to gather them in a folder on our computer and go through which ones are the best ones. We make sure we have a good amount of pictures to represent what has been going since the last update.
When it comes to pictures, it is very important to be mindful of the ones you will choose. Make sure that they highlight your child and not others around them. The child needs to be the focus. You also need to make sure that the pictures are clear, not blurry and showcase the child in his\her best behavior.
Depending on the web portal, you may need to provide a brief description of each picture. You want to let the birthparents who is with the child. It helps to have them know who is interacting with your child on a daily basis. It also provides them with a sense of security that the child is not always alone.
The cover letters can be as simple or elaborate as you want them to be. Be mindful of your words and be kind. Don't just write basic things like: they eat, sleep and poop. NO!!! Pretend that you are writing about your child to a stranger and you want them to know who your child is. You can mention what they have been doing, what they are eating now, a favorite book or toy, a trip that they enjoyed...
I have been told that I give way too much information - too much, according to my husband... But, in my mind, I figure that the kids will want to read those letters later. Therefore, I don't want them to feel as if we did not put in the work and effort. I would hate for them to think that we did not care about them or their birthparents.
As the children get older, include them in the creation of these updates. For example, have them pick out the pictures and provide their own description. They may want to write the letter or provide a drawing or show something they did at school or camp. They may wish not to participate, but if they are open and willing, let them help you with these updates. It is their story, let them have control, while you, as the parent, are there to help them.
Depending on the web portal, there may be an opportunity to share messages. For this reason, when you write your letters, remember to let them know that you are open to any questions or concerns they may have. Let them know that it is okay to write to you and ask questions.
Providing updates can be stressful, but the more you do them, the easier it gets. You just need to remember that you are giving them a glimpse into what has been going on and letting them know that their gift is well taken care of.
One more thing I feel that I need to mention: when the birthparent is no longer viewing the profiles. This has been especially difficult for me. After doing some research and speaking with our social worker, it has brought me some peace. In the end, these birthparents may be in a different headspace and are just unable to deal with the updates. They may also just need more time and space and that is their choice. They do come back and their silence does not mean that they are angry or no longer love this child. On the contrary, they never stopped loving that child!! And they will be back to watch the updates - only when they are ready. So, keep posting and updating and doing a great job at it, because they will appreciate it when they come back and know that they do.
If there is anything else that you wish to know, please don't hesitate to ask.
Wishing you a great day!
SM
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