Adoption Series - Blog Post #7
Hello everyone,
I hope you are all having a great day. If your day started rough or got rough, know that I do hope that it will get better and brighter. If it's a rough patch, remember that all rough patches smooth out, but all in time. Trust me, I have been there.
We recently published our adoption updates for the kids. Each time, there is a mix of joy and sadness that comes with preparing those updates. I also have been reflecting on how our experience has been with having a closed adoption with our children.
First, if you are unfamiliar with adoption, you may be wondering what a closed adoption is. When you begin an adoption process, one the many things you need to discern is if you wish to have a closed or open adoption.
An open adoption is one where the identities of the birthparents are known. There is also contact with the birthparents. The amount of contact can be determined at the start of the process or as things progress while always keeping the child's interest at the center of every decision.
In the case of a closed adoption, the identities of the birthparents and adoptive parents, or either, are unknown. Once the birth consents are signed, there is no contact with the birthparents. You are, however, required to provide updates according to a set schedule. I believe they are all the same, regardless of the state you adopt, but just in case, this is our schedule of updates looks like:
- first ten days
- one, two, three, six and nine months
- one year and one year and a half
- two years
- every year until their eighteenth birthday
I would say that the first year is the one that stresses me out the most because you want to make sure you miss nothing, because there are so many things that happen within those first few months. But then, it gets easier. As the kids get older, they will be included and they will choose whether they wish to write some letters or send drawings. We will leave it up to them.
So, what's it like to have a closed adoption? You would think that it's simple and that not much thought goes into it. However, after having lived it for the last two years, here are some of my thoughts.
I will admit that after publishing the updates, I hope they will be viewed. I get excited thinking that they might contact me or ask questions. Then, after a few days, I begin to notice that the albums have not been viewed...in fact, they stopped viewing them a while ago. There are no questions. There are no comments on the pictures. There is just silence.
My mind begins to go to that place where anxiety lies. It begins to fill my mind with doubts and fears. Have I posted something awful about them? I begin to doubt everything I published. I fear they may have been offended. I fear I hurt them and they now regret their decision. It consumes me for a few weeks - then, I forget...until the next update needs to be published. The only comfort I have is that our daughter's updates are annual now and it will soon be the case for our son. That will remove some of my anxieties.
People assume that when you have a closed adoption, you no longer think about the birthparents. You just publish updates and that is it. This may be the case for some, but it's not the case for me. In fact, they never left my mind.
For one, I am eternally grateful to them because they made me a mom. They gifted me the one thing that my body could never do. They gave me the most precious gift - motherhood. For that reason, I have not and could never forget them.
They come to mind any time that the kids accomplish something or they have achieved another development milestone - teething, walking, running, crawling, baptism, birthdays,vactions... I make sure that all events - big or small - are captured because I want them to see everything and experience it through these pictures and letters.
I also wonder what has become of them. Are they well? Are they okay and confident about their decision? Do they think about them? Do they like the updates? - these are all things that I have no control over and that, in reality, do not belong to me.
A part of me is also sad when I see that the albums are not viewed as much or at all. It makes me sad because if they are no longer watched, I fear what the kids will say or how they will feel. Oh goodness, I want them so much to know that they were loved by them...yet, the only thing I need to focus on is making sure that they know that we, their parents, love them. That should be my focus. I can't control their birthparents...I can only control, somewhat, my own parenting, loving and nurturing of those kids.
So, it's not just giving updates and that's it. For me, it's my journey of embracing their journey. It's about me not making it about myself. It's about giving them space and understanding. It's about never forgetting them. It's about being reminded that even if they are silent, it does not mean that they have stopped caring or loving or wondering how they are.
And yet again, I am peeling away at the many layers that envelop adoption...one by one, this blog has allowed me to share my inner thoughts and feelings. It has been great to have this outlet.
If you have chosen a closed adoption, or open one, please share your experience. Let's build our community and share among each other.
SM
I hope you are all having a great day. If your day started rough or got rough, know that I do hope that it will get better and brighter. If it's a rough patch, remember that all rough patches smooth out, but all in time. Trust me, I have been there.
We recently published our adoption updates for the kids. Each time, there is a mix of joy and sadness that comes with preparing those updates. I also have been reflecting on how our experience has been with having a closed adoption with our children.
First, if you are unfamiliar with adoption, you may be wondering what a closed adoption is. When you begin an adoption process, one the many things you need to discern is if you wish to have a closed or open adoption.
An open adoption is one where the identities of the birthparents are known. There is also contact with the birthparents. The amount of contact can be determined at the start of the process or as things progress while always keeping the child's interest at the center of every decision.
In the case of a closed adoption, the identities of the birthparents and adoptive parents, or either, are unknown. Once the birth consents are signed, there is no contact with the birthparents. You are, however, required to provide updates according to a set schedule. I believe they are all the same, regardless of the state you adopt, but just in case, this is our schedule of updates looks like:
- first ten days
- one, two, three, six and nine months
- one year and one year and a half
- two years
- every year until their eighteenth birthday
I would say that the first year is the one that stresses me out the most because you want to make sure you miss nothing, because there are so many things that happen within those first few months. But then, it gets easier. As the kids get older, they will be included and they will choose whether they wish to write some letters or send drawings. We will leave it up to them.
So, what's it like to have a closed adoption? You would think that it's simple and that not much thought goes into it. However, after having lived it for the last two years, here are some of my thoughts.
I will admit that after publishing the updates, I hope they will be viewed. I get excited thinking that they might contact me or ask questions. Then, after a few days, I begin to notice that the albums have not been viewed...in fact, they stopped viewing them a while ago. There are no questions. There are no comments on the pictures. There is just silence.
My mind begins to go to that place where anxiety lies. It begins to fill my mind with doubts and fears. Have I posted something awful about them? I begin to doubt everything I published. I fear they may have been offended. I fear I hurt them and they now regret their decision. It consumes me for a few weeks - then, I forget...until the next update needs to be published. The only comfort I have is that our daughter's updates are annual now and it will soon be the case for our son. That will remove some of my anxieties.
People assume that when you have a closed adoption, you no longer think about the birthparents. You just publish updates and that is it. This may be the case for some, but it's not the case for me. In fact, they never left my mind.
For one, I am eternally grateful to them because they made me a mom. They gifted me the one thing that my body could never do. They gave me the most precious gift - motherhood. For that reason, I have not and could never forget them.
They come to mind any time that the kids accomplish something or they have achieved another development milestone - teething, walking, running, crawling, baptism, birthdays,vactions... I make sure that all events - big or small - are captured because I want them to see everything and experience it through these pictures and letters.
I also wonder what has become of them. Are they well? Are they okay and confident about their decision? Do they think about them? Do they like the updates? - these are all things that I have no control over and that, in reality, do not belong to me.
A part of me is also sad when I see that the albums are not viewed as much or at all. It makes me sad because if they are no longer watched, I fear what the kids will say or how they will feel. Oh goodness, I want them so much to know that they were loved by them...yet, the only thing I need to focus on is making sure that they know that we, their parents, love them. That should be my focus. I can't control their birthparents...I can only control, somewhat, my own parenting, loving and nurturing of those kids.
So, it's not just giving updates and that's it. For me, it's my journey of embracing their journey. It's about me not making it about myself. It's about giving them space and understanding. It's about never forgetting them. It's about being reminded that even if they are silent, it does not mean that they have stopped caring or loving or wondering how they are.
And yet again, I am peeling away at the many layers that envelop adoption...one by one, this blog has allowed me to share my inner thoughts and feelings. It has been great to have this outlet.
If you have chosen a closed adoption, or open one, please share your experience. Let's build our community and share among each other.
SM
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