Adoption Series - Blog Post #6
Hello everyone,
I hope that everyone is having a good day. In my hometown, they are expecting up to twenty inches of snow - yeah, not missing that snow! If your day is not going that great - know that I am truly hoping that it does get better - if not today, then in the days to come.
Today, I want to tackle a sensitive subject. I wanted to talk about grieving the biological child you never had. For some, it is a miscarriage and never being to get pregnant again. For some, it's never having been able to get pregnant naturally. Yeah, quite the sensitive topics, but I feel the need to write about it.
In our case, we experienced a miscarriage and were never able to get pregnant again. It happened seven years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think about our baby. It hits me more around the time of conception and birth. Time has been a great healer, but the pain never leaves. It just lies dormant and resurfaces from time to time, just not as strong.
The most important I learned about grief is that women and men live it differently. Women tend to want to share and feel supported. Men take longer to even acknowledge the issue and then, it takes them longer to process. It's not because they are heartless, it's just how they are. I wish I had known that at the time because it was so hard to see him not be able to be there. Months after it happened, I blurted out to him that I felt so abandoned in my pain. It took that to make him realize that I was still in pain.
Almost seven years later, we don't talk much about it. We still live it separately, but we do share our story at certain speaking events. I guess that is how we talk about it.
And then, you have those that have never been able to get pregnant. That is also something that needs to be grieved. As a woman, we have this natural desire to give life because that is how our bodies were made. I don't know their pain, but I know their anger, frustration, sadness and disbelief.
The pain was acquired differently, but the grief is the same. You are grieving something you never got to experience. You are grieving something that never was - yet, it hurts so much.
I was told once that you can't miss what you don't have. I used to believe that but after having experienced a miscarriage and years of infertility, I can honestly that you can miss what you don't have, even if you never had it. We do miss the pregnancy, the announcement, the baby shower, the nursery, giving birth, the first look on our child, the growing belly, feeling the baby...all things that we felt robbed of. There is a feeling of injustice. We feel bitter and resentful. It's a sucky place to be. It's a very exhausting place to be also.
They say that time heals - and as cliche as it sounds, it is the truth. It took me about four years to fully grieve not only the loss, but the harsh reality that I would never get pregnant naturally. I can't explain it but one day, it just no longer hurt when I found out someone was expecting. I was actually excited and that was such a relief to me. How wonderful that someone's joy was no longer a bearer of shame and hurt. That is when I knew I had finally grieved.
For some, it make take longer or shorter. It all depends on who you are and how you deal with grief. Don't let someone take away your grief. Granted, you can't grieve for years and years on end. But, know that healing will take place and when it does, you will start to smile and laugh again. Yet, don't repress your emotions and do not let anyone take it away from you - only YOU know how YOU feel. Your feelings are real and true because they are YOUR feelings. Get counseling because it will help to have an outsider look into your pain. Because they have no emotional connection with you, they can actually guide you into how you should live your grief while moving on, at your pace.
Why write about this in an adoption series? It's very simple. Most often, those who struggle with infertility will choose adoption to grow their family. As I have written in previous posts, one needs to fully grieve their infertility before even attempting to begin an adoption process. Therefore, it only makes sense that I write about grief.
If you don't allow yourself to grieve before adopting, you will only face more anger, sadness and frustration. You also cannot expect this child that you will adopt to cure or somehow erase your infertility. You will always be infertile. That will never change. The only thing that will go away is your childlessness. You will be a parent, just in a different way. So, give yourself the time to heal and be ready to move on.
I say it each time but you are not alone in this. If you are in this situation and need to share, please feel free to do so. Let's build a community and support each other.
SM
I hope that everyone is having a good day. In my hometown, they are expecting up to twenty inches of snow - yeah, not missing that snow! If your day is not going that great - know that I am truly hoping that it does get better - if not today, then in the days to come.
Today, I want to tackle a sensitive subject. I wanted to talk about grieving the biological child you never had. For some, it is a miscarriage and never being to get pregnant again. For some, it's never having been able to get pregnant naturally. Yeah, quite the sensitive topics, but I feel the need to write about it.
In our case, we experienced a miscarriage and were never able to get pregnant again. It happened seven years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think about our baby. It hits me more around the time of conception and birth. Time has been a great healer, but the pain never leaves. It just lies dormant and resurfaces from time to time, just not as strong.
The most important I learned about grief is that women and men live it differently. Women tend to want to share and feel supported. Men take longer to even acknowledge the issue and then, it takes them longer to process. It's not because they are heartless, it's just how they are. I wish I had known that at the time because it was so hard to see him not be able to be there. Months after it happened, I blurted out to him that I felt so abandoned in my pain. It took that to make him realize that I was still in pain.
Almost seven years later, we don't talk much about it. We still live it separately, but we do share our story at certain speaking events. I guess that is how we talk about it.
And then, you have those that have never been able to get pregnant. That is also something that needs to be grieved. As a woman, we have this natural desire to give life because that is how our bodies were made. I don't know their pain, but I know their anger, frustration, sadness and disbelief.
The pain was acquired differently, but the grief is the same. You are grieving something you never got to experience. You are grieving something that never was - yet, it hurts so much.
I was told once that you can't miss what you don't have. I used to believe that but after having experienced a miscarriage and years of infertility, I can honestly that you can miss what you don't have, even if you never had it. We do miss the pregnancy, the announcement, the baby shower, the nursery, giving birth, the first look on our child, the growing belly, feeling the baby...all things that we felt robbed of. There is a feeling of injustice. We feel bitter and resentful. It's a sucky place to be. It's a very exhausting place to be also.
They say that time heals - and as cliche as it sounds, it is the truth. It took me about four years to fully grieve not only the loss, but the harsh reality that I would never get pregnant naturally. I can't explain it but one day, it just no longer hurt when I found out someone was expecting. I was actually excited and that was such a relief to me. How wonderful that someone's joy was no longer a bearer of shame and hurt. That is when I knew I had finally grieved.
For some, it make take longer or shorter. It all depends on who you are and how you deal with grief. Don't let someone take away your grief. Granted, you can't grieve for years and years on end. But, know that healing will take place and when it does, you will start to smile and laugh again. Yet, don't repress your emotions and do not let anyone take it away from you - only YOU know how YOU feel. Your feelings are real and true because they are YOUR feelings. Get counseling because it will help to have an outsider look into your pain. Because they have no emotional connection with you, they can actually guide you into how you should live your grief while moving on, at your pace.
Why write about this in an adoption series? It's very simple. Most often, those who struggle with infertility will choose adoption to grow their family. As I have written in previous posts, one needs to fully grieve their infertility before even attempting to begin an adoption process. Therefore, it only makes sense that I write about grief.
If you don't allow yourself to grieve before adopting, you will only face more anger, sadness and frustration. You also cannot expect this child that you will adopt to cure or somehow erase your infertility. You will always be infertile. That will never change. The only thing that will go away is your childlessness. You will be a parent, just in a different way. So, give yourself the time to heal and be ready to move on.
I say it each time but you are not alone in this. If you are in this situation and need to share, please feel free to do so. Let's build a community and support each other.
SM
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