Adoption Series - Blog Post #3
Hello everyone,
Hope all of you are having a good day, if not, I hope that it will get better.
So, staying in the theme of the adoption process, let's now tackle what most are concerned about AFTER the adoption is final.
When we brought our daughter home, the concerns started the moment we put her in the car. I remember driving home, in the back seat and thinking: Who is this stranger? while she was probably thinking the same. I remember very vividly taking her around the house and telling her which room she was in. I know that she was but three days old, but I had read to do that...and so I did. I did the same with our son.
The first concern is mostly about the medical history of your child. We were very fortunate as we know most of their medical history. Most adoptive parents do not know and I can only imagine how that must be for them.
When you get matched, it's so very overwhelming and it can be hard to focus. That is why it is important to make a list of questions that you want to ask the birthmom, if you meet her. If it's a surprise baby, get as much information as you can. If you are unable, then, proceed with having your baby tested, once the baby is yours. Before anything is final, you, as prospective adoptive parents have no rights on this child. After, you can do as you wish.
For our son, there was an important test that he not been screened for. It was a mishap, on the part of the hospital. Unfortunately, the birthmom could not provide an answer for a couple of weeks. We then went for testing, which is scary, but we got through it. So, we know what it is feels like to just now know and hope that your baby is healthy.
Getting a DNA or some sort of genetic testing is also not a bad idea, because sometimes, people do forget to disclose certain things. It is your responsibility to ensure your child's safety, and so, get the testing done so you have as much information as you can. Not only is it important for you to know, but also for your child to know. As they grow older, they will be asking more questions and will be appreciative that you took the time to get as much information as you could.
The second most common concern would be the "real" parent issue. Often, people ask me where their mothers are. At first, it stings worse than a paper cut. Your first instinct is to lash out, but you need to remember that most people do not know the "adoption language". When this happens, keep calm and take this opportunity to educate and not lash out with hate. This is a great time to teach about the difference between a birthmom and a mom. I guarantee that when you act in such a way, people will no longer make that mistake when they meet someone else who has adopted.
You may also not feel like the "real" parent, because your child does not look like you. And that is quite normal and a part of the adoption process. However, when I look at all my nieces and nephews, some of them do not look like one of the parent. Does that mean they are not the "real" parent? Not at all!
You ARE the parent, because you are there to nurture, raise, educate, nourish and love. Your love for this child will grow exponentially and you will be surprised at how much you are the "real" parent because you are. If someone makes you feel otherwise, don't let their ignorance remove your true and valid parenthood from your child.
The third concern that I will deal with are the relations with the birth family. This will depend on the type of adoption you have chosen to go with. If you are in a "closed" adoption - where there is to be no contact with the birth family, there are no concerns. The only legal obligation you have towards them is to write a letter briefing them on how the child is doing together with any pictures, letters or drawings that the child wishes to share with them.
Should you be in an "open" adoption, things are a bit different. Yet, you are still the parent and things need to be done with your child's best interest. We know of parents who used to see the birthmom on a very regular basis, but as things got busier, they had to be honest with her and set a more appropriate and realistic visiting schedule. I am sure it was hard for both parties, but in the end, the child's interest must always come first.
This is where a good communication comes in. It is also important to not promise things you cannot go through with. If the birthmom wants to spend vacations with you, don't say she will and then not follow through with it. That will be not only hurtful but can backfire when your child know what was done. Therefore, if you say you will do something, do it. If you cannot, just say it. Be honest and be mindful to the woman that gave you the gift of a child.
I hope this comes in handy. Adoption, to outsiders, is always seen as something so exciting. Yet, to those who are actually going through it, it is not as exciting because so many factors come into play. Regardless of the journey, adoption is still a wonderful loving option and gift to those who wish to expand their family.
If you have a concern about adoption and want me to let you know about it, please share.
Wishing you a good one and if it's crappy when you read this, I pray and hope it gets better after this.
SM
Hope all of you are having a good day, if not, I hope that it will get better.
So, staying in the theme of the adoption process, let's now tackle what most are concerned about AFTER the adoption is final.
When we brought our daughter home, the concerns started the moment we put her in the car. I remember driving home, in the back seat and thinking: Who is this stranger? while she was probably thinking the same. I remember very vividly taking her around the house and telling her which room she was in. I know that she was but three days old, but I had read to do that...and so I did. I did the same with our son.
The first concern is mostly about the medical history of your child. We were very fortunate as we know most of their medical history. Most adoptive parents do not know and I can only imagine how that must be for them.
When you get matched, it's so very overwhelming and it can be hard to focus. That is why it is important to make a list of questions that you want to ask the birthmom, if you meet her. If it's a surprise baby, get as much information as you can. If you are unable, then, proceed with having your baby tested, once the baby is yours. Before anything is final, you, as prospective adoptive parents have no rights on this child. After, you can do as you wish.
For our son, there was an important test that he not been screened for. It was a mishap, on the part of the hospital. Unfortunately, the birthmom could not provide an answer for a couple of weeks. We then went for testing, which is scary, but we got through it. So, we know what it is feels like to just now know and hope that your baby is healthy.
Getting a DNA or some sort of genetic testing is also not a bad idea, because sometimes, people do forget to disclose certain things. It is your responsibility to ensure your child's safety, and so, get the testing done so you have as much information as you can. Not only is it important for you to know, but also for your child to know. As they grow older, they will be asking more questions and will be appreciative that you took the time to get as much information as you could.
The second most common concern would be the "real" parent issue. Often, people ask me where their mothers are. At first, it stings worse than a paper cut. Your first instinct is to lash out, but you need to remember that most people do not know the "adoption language". When this happens, keep calm and take this opportunity to educate and not lash out with hate. This is a great time to teach about the difference between a birthmom and a mom. I guarantee that when you act in such a way, people will no longer make that mistake when they meet someone else who has adopted.
You may also not feel like the "real" parent, because your child does not look like you. And that is quite normal and a part of the adoption process. However, when I look at all my nieces and nephews, some of them do not look like one of the parent. Does that mean they are not the "real" parent? Not at all!
You ARE the parent, because you are there to nurture, raise, educate, nourish and love. Your love for this child will grow exponentially and you will be surprised at how much you are the "real" parent because you are. If someone makes you feel otherwise, don't let their ignorance remove your true and valid parenthood from your child.
The third concern that I will deal with are the relations with the birth family. This will depend on the type of adoption you have chosen to go with. If you are in a "closed" adoption - where there is to be no contact with the birth family, there are no concerns. The only legal obligation you have towards them is to write a letter briefing them on how the child is doing together with any pictures, letters or drawings that the child wishes to share with them.
Should you be in an "open" adoption, things are a bit different. Yet, you are still the parent and things need to be done with your child's best interest. We know of parents who used to see the birthmom on a very regular basis, but as things got busier, they had to be honest with her and set a more appropriate and realistic visiting schedule. I am sure it was hard for both parties, but in the end, the child's interest must always come first.
This is where a good communication comes in. It is also important to not promise things you cannot go through with. If the birthmom wants to spend vacations with you, don't say she will and then not follow through with it. That will be not only hurtful but can backfire when your child know what was done. Therefore, if you say you will do something, do it. If you cannot, just say it. Be honest and be mindful to the woman that gave you the gift of a child.
I hope this comes in handy. Adoption, to outsiders, is always seen as something so exciting. Yet, to those who are actually going through it, it is not as exciting because so many factors come into play. Regardless of the journey, adoption is still a wonderful loving option and gift to those who wish to expand their family.
If you have a concern about adoption and want me to let you know about it, please share.
Wishing you a good one and if it's crappy when you read this, I pray and hope it gets better after this.
SM
· Feelings that you're
not the "real" parent of your adopted baby
· Worries about known
or unknown biological, genetic influences
· Talking with your
child and others about the adoption
· Relations with the
birth family
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