Adoption Series - Adoption After Infertility
Hello everyone,
I hope when you read this, you are having a great day. If you are not, I am sorry about that and I hope that your day ends better than it started.
Adoption is how most infertile couples get to become parents. Yet, adoption after infertility is not like applying a Band-Aid to an open wound. Infertility is an open wound that always stays open, no matter what. Therefore, it is very wrong and misleading to think that adoption CURES infertility, because it does not. And most importantly, your child or children you adopt are not a cure or solution to your infertility as well.
I remember being at a coffee shop with a friend and she was shocked that I was still struggling with our infertility, even after having adopting our daughter. She was under the assumption, as most are, that when you adopt, it magically makes your infertility disappear. And nothing could be further from the truth.
Although I am a mother of two living children, I am also the mother of a child that died almost eight years ago. After that loss, it took us five long and painful years to become parents of living children. Our adoption journey was not an easy one or one that brought a solution or cure to us.
We are still infertile and we still remember our lost child. But, we are so appreciative of the birthmoms that chose us to parent their children. Two strangers chose us to be the parents of our daughter and son and that was and is the ultimate gift for us.
I always wanted to adopt, but when push came to shove, it dawned on me that I would never get pregnant with our biological children. In the end, I had to take the time and ask myself a very simple but powerful question: Do I want a baby or do I want to be a Mom?
A simple question to many, but to those who face infertility, it is the most difficult question to face and answer truthfully. In my mind, it became as clear as day that I wanted to be a Mom. And that became my focus and goal.
Something needs to shift inside you. You must let go of that need and desire for a biological child. If you find yourself longing and not fully accepting that your children will not look like you, then, maybe adoption is just not for you, right now.
It took my husband the longest to come to terms with it. But I think after my surgery, when things were not working...he was on board and we started the process.
I don't see adoption as the next best thing. I see adoption as another way of becoming parents. Because it is also wrong and misleading to believe that only infertile couples adopt. Many couples who are able to have their own children choose adoption to grow their family.
If one adopts because they want to fill a void that they cannot fill in an other way, then, they should not be adopting. No child can ever fill the void of infertility or the loss of a child. It is unjust to do so. They don't deserve that pressure or expectation because they will never be able to live up to it.
I know the pain of infertility far too well. It's been eight years and, at times, it feels like it has been longer. It is draining and frustrating, but it has become me. It has shown me that I can be brave and strong. It has shown me that our marriage is stronger than I ever thought possible. It has connected me with wonderful people that I would have never met had I not experienced it. It also led me to talk about it and, hopefully, inspire others to keep hoping that they will become parents.
One last thing, infertility has made me more aware of people's pain and suffering. It has allowed me to learn how to listen...actively listen. Infertility is a broken and silent pain, let's give it a voice.
If you or someone you know are experiencing infertility and are contemplating adoption, please share your struggles, fears, joys, expectations...let's build a community.
Take care,
SM
I hope when you read this, you are having a great day. If you are not, I am sorry about that and I hope that your day ends better than it started.
Adoption is how most infertile couples get to become parents. Yet, adoption after infertility is not like applying a Band-Aid to an open wound. Infertility is an open wound that always stays open, no matter what. Therefore, it is very wrong and misleading to think that adoption CURES infertility, because it does not. And most importantly, your child or children you adopt are not a cure or solution to your infertility as well.
I remember being at a coffee shop with a friend and she was shocked that I was still struggling with our infertility, even after having adopting our daughter. She was under the assumption, as most are, that when you adopt, it magically makes your infertility disappear. And nothing could be further from the truth.
Although I am a mother of two living children, I am also the mother of a child that died almost eight years ago. After that loss, it took us five long and painful years to become parents of living children. Our adoption journey was not an easy one or one that brought a solution or cure to us.
We are still infertile and we still remember our lost child. But, we are so appreciative of the birthmoms that chose us to parent their children. Two strangers chose us to be the parents of our daughter and son and that was and is the ultimate gift for us.
I always wanted to adopt, but when push came to shove, it dawned on me that I would never get pregnant with our biological children. In the end, I had to take the time and ask myself a very simple but powerful question: Do I want a baby or do I want to be a Mom?
A simple question to many, but to those who face infertility, it is the most difficult question to face and answer truthfully. In my mind, it became as clear as day that I wanted to be a Mom. And that became my focus and goal.
Something needs to shift inside you. You must let go of that need and desire for a biological child. If you find yourself longing and not fully accepting that your children will not look like you, then, maybe adoption is just not for you, right now.
It took my husband the longest to come to terms with it. But I think after my surgery, when things were not working...he was on board and we started the process.
I don't see adoption as the next best thing. I see adoption as another way of becoming parents. Because it is also wrong and misleading to believe that only infertile couples adopt. Many couples who are able to have their own children choose adoption to grow their family.
If one adopts because they want to fill a void that they cannot fill in an other way, then, they should not be adopting. No child can ever fill the void of infertility or the loss of a child. It is unjust to do so. They don't deserve that pressure or expectation because they will never be able to live up to it.
I know the pain of infertility far too well. It's been eight years and, at times, it feels like it has been longer. It is draining and frustrating, but it has become me. It has shown me that I can be brave and strong. It has shown me that our marriage is stronger than I ever thought possible. It has connected me with wonderful people that I would have never met had I not experienced it. It also led me to talk about it and, hopefully, inspire others to keep hoping that they will become parents.
One last thing, infertility has made me more aware of people's pain and suffering. It has allowed me to learn how to listen...actively listen. Infertility is a broken and silent pain, let's give it a voice.
If you or someone you know are experiencing infertility and are contemplating adoption, please share your struggles, fears, joys, expectations...let's build a community.
Take care,
SM
Comments