What to know before you adopt - my personal experience
Hello everyone,
When we adopted, we knew NOTHING! I knew a couple of women who had adopted, but they were not much help because they had adopted internationally and that's an entirely separate thing from domestic adoption.
So, looking back on our own personal experience, here are five things I think people should think of or know before they start an adoption process. They are in no particular order of preference or importance.
1) Why are you adopting?
Seems like an obvious answer, right? yet, you would be surprised how many couples adopt for entirely different reasons and then it can stall the process or end it permanently. So, before starting anything, have an honest discussion with your spouse about why you wish to adopt. Don't assume the other person is thinking or feeling the same as you.
2) What are the adoption agencies in your area?
It's important to have a team behind you that can provide you with all the answers to your questions. Adoption is a very beautiful journey, but it can quickly become a very painful one if you are not feeling supported. Know the agencies in your area and don't hesitate to read the reviews or ask around. You may be surprised at how many people around you either are adopted or have gone through an adoption process.
3) Know your State laws!!! This is VERY important!!
Each State has their own laws when it comes to adopting. In certain States, the birthparents can change their mind within 30 days of you bringing the baby home. In other States, once the consent if signed by both parents, it is irrevocable and they can no longer take the baby back. They can take you to court and say that they believe they would be the better parent - although this can happen, it happens rarely. It's also important to know what happens when you adopt out of your State. What laws will apply? Yours or the State the child was born? This takes me back to point number 2 where it is important to know your agencies. You want to make sure that they know how to navigate the system
LITTLE SIDE NOTE - I had a friend who ended up stopping the adoption process because she felt as though she had all the research and the work. I am sorry, but that is not right!! So, make sure you get the right team behind you!!
4) Domestic or international?
Depending which you wish to do, there are advantages and disadvantages to both. In some countries, they are not open to a couple where one of the spouses has had a history of mental illness. In other countries, you can only adopt girls or boy or the children have disabilities. So, you need what you are willing to be open to so that you don't end-up saying no to a child, after you initially said yes.
5) What are you open to?
This one piggybacks on the previous one. Don't be surprised once you meet with an adoption agency about this particular question: so, tell me, what kind of baby do you want? I was very shocked and only answered: a human one! I was asked again and then my husband said to me: they want to know if we are open to a different race? YES...They will ask you! So, have that conversation and be honest with your answer. If you feel that your family would not be receptive to a child that does not look like the rest of the family, then, it may be wise not to adopt a child of a different race. If you feel that it would be difficult to raise a child with a disability, then do not ask for one. Those children deserve to go into a home that will love them no matter what. Their birthparents are entrusting you with their child - so be honest!
Now, there are many other things that you should know, but from my experience, these were the things that I wish I knew before. Knowing more also empowers you and makes the experience better for anyone involved.
Have you adopted and wish you knew something before you did? Did you have any unexpected surprises?? Please share!
SM
When we adopted, we knew NOTHING! I knew a couple of women who had adopted, but they were not much help because they had adopted internationally and that's an entirely separate thing from domestic adoption.
So, looking back on our own personal experience, here are five things I think people should think of or know before they start an adoption process. They are in no particular order of preference or importance.
1) Why are you adopting?
Seems like an obvious answer, right? yet, you would be surprised how many couples adopt for entirely different reasons and then it can stall the process or end it permanently. So, before starting anything, have an honest discussion with your spouse about why you wish to adopt. Don't assume the other person is thinking or feeling the same as you.
2) What are the adoption agencies in your area?
It's important to have a team behind you that can provide you with all the answers to your questions. Adoption is a very beautiful journey, but it can quickly become a very painful one if you are not feeling supported. Know the agencies in your area and don't hesitate to read the reviews or ask around. You may be surprised at how many people around you either are adopted or have gone through an adoption process.
3) Know your State laws!!! This is VERY important!!
Each State has their own laws when it comes to adopting. In certain States, the birthparents can change their mind within 30 days of you bringing the baby home. In other States, once the consent if signed by both parents, it is irrevocable and they can no longer take the baby back. They can take you to court and say that they believe they would be the better parent - although this can happen, it happens rarely. It's also important to know what happens when you adopt out of your State. What laws will apply? Yours or the State the child was born? This takes me back to point number 2 where it is important to know your agencies. You want to make sure that they know how to navigate the system
LITTLE SIDE NOTE - I had a friend who ended up stopping the adoption process because she felt as though she had all the research and the work. I am sorry, but that is not right!! So, make sure you get the right team behind you!!
4) Domestic or international?
Depending which you wish to do, there are advantages and disadvantages to both. In some countries, they are not open to a couple where one of the spouses has had a history of mental illness. In other countries, you can only adopt girls or boy or the children have disabilities. So, you need what you are willing to be open to so that you don't end-up saying no to a child, after you initially said yes.
5) What are you open to?
This one piggybacks on the previous one. Don't be surprised once you meet with an adoption agency about this particular question: so, tell me, what kind of baby do you want? I was very shocked and only answered: a human one! I was asked again and then my husband said to me: they want to know if we are open to a different race? YES...They will ask you! So, have that conversation and be honest with your answer. If you feel that your family would not be receptive to a child that does not look like the rest of the family, then, it may be wise not to adopt a child of a different race. If you feel that it would be difficult to raise a child with a disability, then do not ask for one. Those children deserve to go into a home that will love them no matter what. Their birthparents are entrusting you with their child - so be honest!
Now, there are many other things that you should know, but from my experience, these were the things that I wish I knew before. Knowing more also empowers you and makes the experience better for anyone involved.
Have you adopted and wish you knew something before you did? Did you have any unexpected surprises?? Please share!
SM
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